Sit and say you want no part in it, and it comes from this direction and that.
Go after it, and you'll never get your hand on it; you'll never get a whiff...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Say Hi to Daddy...
Sweetheart, I dreamt of you just the other day.
I've been having very vivid dreams, so lively.
Anyway... I was in Target, the one in Cypress, with my buddy James and another fella who I can no longer remember picking up a gift for someone's birthday. I was walking through and past the men's section to the back of the store, and there you were.
Even now as I recall days later, it's fresh and alive as can be; it's rough.
Dressed in your red and khaki with your little name tag. We stopped and just kind of stared at each other for a moment or two before I reached out to hug you. Good Lord, my heart was racing racing racing. My breath was gone, but I squeezed a small exchange out. You said that you'd be around and that we'd see each other again after the boys walked away. I hugged you so damn tight with my cheek pressed into your neck. We parted just a bit, but I did not want to let you go. My hands slipped to your waist before I kissed you on the cheek. Another I gave, but this time I caught the corner of your mouth as you rested your hands on my arms gently. A quick turn of the head and looking at one another came before a true solid kiss. Oh your lips, your lips, I missed them...
We parted slowly and stepped back with eyes welling. We promised we'd see each other again.
Next thing I know, we're paying for our things. I'm last of the three, and as the cashier begins to ring me up, there you are again. Beautiful little Kait and Kaleb at your side. They've gotten so big I thought. I think this time, seeing the babies, was even heavier for me. My legs were gone and the air was knocked out of me. There you are with the baby in your hands, holding her up to me and saying, "Say hi to your daddy." Ooomph. I couldn't hold her, so we all walked over to a table in the snack area while the fellas walked to the car. Even now this is a difficult recollection to live through...
I kissed Big K, little K... how beautiful beautiful beautiful they were.
I took your beautiful little face in my hands, grazing my fingertips over your cheek and behind your ear... stroking the skin softly with my thumb.
I had to go, but yes yes, we will see each other again. I missed you, sweetheart, and I love you more than life itself. I have to go.
I ran outside fearing I'd been left behind, all the while looking back at you looking back at me through the storefront with these beautiful little children at your side... waving those small precious hands back and forth.
Today I see this in slow motion, and it is a dreadfully heartbreaking thing to see. I caught the car as they were pulling away, and away we went... waking me from my sleep.
Thinking of it now, it is more dificult than when I had first lived it.
I looked at your picture today, and I saw very clearly again your face in my mind.
I saw the long upper lip that hung with supple beauty when you stared at me in the dim light. I cannot shake that scene, my dear; your stare, the way you stared, just burned a hole straight through my soul, and I do not imagine forgetting it. It was dark there, and the blue light from the overcast day peeked through the curtains just enough for me to focus on your sublime face and the stare, oh this stare, that you branded me with. Your hand rested on my cheek, o' how I loved that feeling of your tiny little hand against my face, and you craned your neck just a bit. Your beautiful little face and those gems for eyes looked up at me framed by your splayed out hair, framed by a soft, fluffy white pillow. I laid there on top of you, legs wrapped around me, so absolutely astonished by this gaze in your eye. I had never ever seen such a thing, and to this day I don't imagine seeing much anything else close to it.
I suppose it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but when I recall these images and these touches of you, I still fall apart a good bit. I have never had such a wonderful little gift... never ever, and never did I think it would be taken from me like it was.
God help me.
I've been having very vivid dreams, so lively.
Anyway... I was in Target, the one in Cypress, with my buddy James and another fella who I can no longer remember picking up a gift for someone's birthday. I was walking through and past the men's section to the back of the store, and there you were.
Even now as I recall days later, it's fresh and alive as can be; it's rough.
Dressed in your red and khaki with your little name tag. We stopped and just kind of stared at each other for a moment or two before I reached out to hug you. Good Lord, my heart was racing racing racing. My breath was gone, but I squeezed a small exchange out. You said that you'd be around and that we'd see each other again after the boys walked away. I hugged you so damn tight with my cheek pressed into your neck. We parted just a bit, but I did not want to let you go. My hands slipped to your waist before I kissed you on the cheek. Another I gave, but this time I caught the corner of your mouth as you rested your hands on my arms gently. A quick turn of the head and looking at one another came before a true solid kiss. Oh your lips, your lips, I missed them...
We parted slowly and stepped back with eyes welling. We promised we'd see each other again.
Next thing I know, we're paying for our things. I'm last of the three, and as the cashier begins to ring me up, there you are again. Beautiful little Kait and Kaleb at your side. They've gotten so big I thought. I think this time, seeing the babies, was even heavier for me. My legs were gone and the air was knocked out of me. There you are with the baby in your hands, holding her up to me and saying, "Say hi to your daddy." Ooomph. I couldn't hold her, so we all walked over to a table in the snack area while the fellas walked to the car. Even now this is a difficult recollection to live through...
I kissed Big K, little K... how beautiful beautiful beautiful they were.
I took your beautiful little face in my hands, grazing my fingertips over your cheek and behind your ear... stroking the skin softly with my thumb.
I had to go, but yes yes, we will see each other again. I missed you, sweetheart, and I love you more than life itself. I have to go.
I ran outside fearing I'd been left behind, all the while looking back at you looking back at me through the storefront with these beautiful little children at your side... waving those small precious hands back and forth.
Today I see this in slow motion, and it is a dreadfully heartbreaking thing to see. I caught the car as they were pulling away, and away we went... waking me from my sleep.
Thinking of it now, it is more dificult than when I had first lived it.
I looked at your picture today, and I saw very clearly again your face in my mind.
I saw the long upper lip that hung with supple beauty when you stared at me in the dim light. I cannot shake that scene, my dear; your stare, the way you stared, just burned a hole straight through my soul, and I do not imagine forgetting it. It was dark there, and the blue light from the overcast day peeked through the curtains just enough for me to focus on your sublime face and the stare, oh this stare, that you branded me with. Your hand rested on my cheek, o' how I loved that feeling of your tiny little hand against my face, and you craned your neck just a bit. Your beautiful little face and those gems for eyes looked up at me framed by your splayed out hair, framed by a soft, fluffy white pillow. I laid there on top of you, legs wrapped around me, so absolutely astonished by this gaze in your eye. I had never ever seen such a thing, and to this day I don't imagine seeing much anything else close to it.
I suppose it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but when I recall these images and these touches of you, I still fall apart a good bit. I have never had such a wonderful little gift... never ever, and never did I think it would be taken from me like it was.
God help me.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Goodbye Grey
I despise being quick to anger, but I do not know what else to do and how I should react at times. It's all due to sadness mostly, hurt.
I am this terribly mean person lately, having lost love and patience.
I am unhappy in most all areas of my life, and instead of crying out to my gracious God, I just fire up and it's wearing on me.
I see a breaking in my near future.
I really hope it comes because it seems the sweet grey I have kept occupied with for the past several months has gone gone away.
The blazing hot sun is out, and it's no secret how much I despise such a scene.
Good Lord, O' I AM, please please... break me.
I am this terribly mean person lately, having lost love and patience.
I am unhappy in most all areas of my life, and instead of crying out to my gracious God, I just fire up and it's wearing on me.
I see a breaking in my near future.
I really hope it comes because it seems the sweet grey I have kept occupied with for the past several months has gone gone away.
The blazing hot sun is out, and it's no secret how much I despise such a scene.
Good Lord, O' I AM, please please... break me.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
She stole my heart
and made me sing.
She tore me limb from limb.
I did not think that I could love
with love that way again.
Again.
How glad I was to be myself,
and use my heart once more.
How glad I was to be a man,
and love that girl that I adored.
Adored.
My eyes shall see light again;
My heart shall bleed right again.
My eyes shall see light again;
My heart heart shall bleed right again.
Wow.. it's as if they have read my blog and written a song about it. Wow.
and made me sing.
She tore me limb from limb.
I did not think that I could love
with love that way again.
Again.
How glad I was to be myself,
and use my heart once more.
How glad I was to be a man,
and love that girl that I adored.
Adored.
My eyes shall see light again;
My heart shall bleed right again.
My eyes shall see light again;
My heart heart shall bleed right again.
Wow.. it's as if they have read my blog and written a song about it. Wow.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Baby steps turn to leaps turn to bounds...
It seems as though my legs are under me again, strong and bearing little pain, but I am still just a little wary to really run right away.
Forgiveness and healing have overcome me, and I am forever grateful to God for this. Ken Blount was a great messenger, and I was quickly convinced and shared in his own personal revelation. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I'm no Jacob. I'm not a God-wrestler.
I'm not sure of where to go now, but I understand it's time to build my altar, my memorial and head somewhere new.
I am ever grateful and of an undoubting faith in that my God has doted upon me once again, regardless of being ever undeserving, and given me freedom from self.
I do however, wake up lately with this uneasy feeling and with this unsettling discomfort. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I suppose I do at the same time as I type this out. It takes little sense to know that you've got to fill the hole left after drilling out a cavity, yes?
You took from me this desire to be a "good" man, whatever that means to people. You stole my hope and my faith. My love left me despite the fact I had just learned to love with a never before seen selflessness of magnificent capacities. I loved you because He loved me first, just the same, but now He just loves me. The things on my mind have been devoid of love as of late, but I must take heart because it looks like the refilling has begun. Hopefully again, my cup runs over with that love that I fostered for you. God graces me time and time again with wisdom and understanding that have taken deep root in my mind and spirit, so despite any feeling I might have, the sometimes buried wisdom still shouts out from beneath the surface and puts my heart to rest.
I think I'll take some of that.
Forgiveness and healing have overcome me, and I am forever grateful to God for this. Ken Blount was a great messenger, and I was quickly convinced and shared in his own personal revelation. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I'm no Jacob. I'm not a God-wrestler.
I'm not sure of where to go now, but I understand it's time to build my altar, my memorial and head somewhere new.
I am ever grateful and of an undoubting faith in that my God has doted upon me once again, regardless of being ever undeserving, and given me freedom from self.
I do however, wake up lately with this uneasy feeling and with this unsettling discomfort. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I suppose I do at the same time as I type this out. It takes little sense to know that you've got to fill the hole left after drilling out a cavity, yes?
You took from me this desire to be a "good" man, whatever that means to people. You stole my hope and my faith. My love left me despite the fact I had just learned to love with a never before seen selflessness of magnificent capacities. I loved you because He loved me first, just the same, but now He just loves me. The things on my mind have been devoid of love as of late, but I must take heart because it looks like the refilling has begun. Hopefully again, my cup runs over with that love that I fostered for you. God graces me time and time again with wisdom and understanding that have taken deep root in my mind and spirit, so despite any feeling I might have, the sometimes buried wisdom still shouts out from beneath the surface and puts my heart to rest.
I think I'll take some of that.
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