I feel like throwing up.
I want to vomit.
The weight that I carried for some months has been lifted for over a month now, but today distrust will try to swallow me whole.
I have made up my mind on this matter beforehand, and this inclination remains.
I have not lost my logic and reason though, and so I must fearlessly face the question of whether or not I am the fool.
I do not believe that I am, but still this voice speaks to me.
I cannot say to whom it belongs.
Sound judgement is this you?
Former distrust that is devoid of love, is this you?
What is your name?
I am so disconnected and afraid that I am not capable of hearing He Who I wish to Be my True Master with clarity and decisiveness.
I have drifted far away it seems, though I know He is here.
I just wonder if He speaks to me; if so, what's He saying right now?
I like to think I've grown a bit, getting to know this real world with real problems.
It's not at all pretty, and I'm no longer surprised by men and women.
I'm pretty sure the majority of us have been marred in some way or another, and in turn we have done some of our own demolition. Because of this, we feel shame and guilt. It eats at us, and many times we must find an outlet for the pressure.
Some of us too, are simply built with thicker walls, better insulation and piping.
Some of us take these things to the grave if we can.
There is no doubt about it.
Jesus Christ. Is this God working in one of those ways?
Developing character by just shoving something like this in my face?
Is this how I learn my lesson? If only I had known, I would have given up my ignorance and haughty judgement long ago.
Good Lord, you blow my mind every single time.
Wow, God. What else can I do but freaking laugh?
I kind of like to think that you're laughing and that this was some kind of joke, some kind of fake scare, but you are quite serious about these things when it really comes down to it.
What else can I do but eat this huge piece of humble pie?
Please do not count it against me if I do so with the greatest scowl on my face.
... or does that defeat the purpose? What a lesson plan I got for this one.
Apparently there is no other way.
This is eating at me, but really I am eating away at myself in the end.
It is all in my head, right? True love can't be compared.
It is all in contrast; it is on the other end of the scale.
I suppose once I get that through my thick skull and just really leave all this pride and unjust disgust, then I'll be fine.
You make me laugh, O Jesus. Life sure is something else when you actually want to go places and do something meaningful.
Just leave me here in shambles for a second and come back to pick me up...
Again you win!
You freaking win, God.
God.
We all sit in these caves confined by our secrets and shame.
Here in the dark is where they seem so big.
Here in the dark they feed off of the very environment that is devoid of light.
If light comes in then they are exposed for what they truly are.
They are nothings in the light; they are meager and wispy.
The only weight they maintain is by the equally meaningless words of those others who sit and wallow in the darkness, refusing to open their eyes still after the light has become present.
This thought process is so complex and it possesses many heads, but I believe that elaboration is neither necessary nor possible...
Simply, aside from all of this, something that has nagged and gnawed at me is the fact that I need to reconnect with my God. I need to run after Him again, not fearing but trusting His plans, His Love and His Grace.
Today I hold onto this Word, hoping and praying that I do understand its meaning and that I am, with God's help, going to live it out.
By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil...
- Proverbs 16:6
Lord, fill me again.
Lord, please fill me again.
My mind is made up, and only you, Lord, can stop me.
... but you already knew that, right.
