She stole my heart
and made me sing.
She tore me limb from limb.
I did not think that I could love
with love that way again.
Again.

How glad I was to be myself,
and use my heart once more.
How glad I was to be a man,
and love that girl that I adored.
Adored.

My eyes shall see light again;
My heart shall bleed right again.
My eyes shall see light again;
My heart heart shall bleed right again.


Wow.. it's as if they have read my blog and written a song about it. Wow.

Baby steps turn to leaps turn to bounds...

It seems as though my legs are under me again, strong and bearing little pain, but I am still just a little wary to really run right away.
Forgiveness and healing have overcome me, and I am forever grateful to God for this. Ken Blount was a great messenger, and I was quickly convinced and shared in his own personal revelation. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I'm no Jacob. I'm not a God-wrestler.
I'm not sure of where to go now, but I understand it's time to build my altar, my memorial and head somewhere new.
I am ever grateful and of an undoubting faith in that my God has doted upon me once again, regardless of being ever undeserving, and given me freedom from self.
I do however, wake up lately with this uneasy feeling and with this unsettling discomfort. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I suppose I do at the same time as I type this out. It takes little sense to know that you've got to fill the hole left after drilling out a cavity, yes?

You took from me this desire to be a "good" man, whatever that means to people. You stole my hope and my faith. My love left me despite the fact I had just learned to love with a never before seen selflessness of magnificent capacities. I loved you because He loved me first, just the same, but now He just loves me. The things on my mind have been devoid of love as of late, but I must take heart because it looks like the refilling has begun. Hopefully again, my cup runs over with that love that I fostered for you. God graces me time and time again with wisdom and understanding that have taken deep root in my mind and spirit, so despite any feeling I might have, the sometimes buried wisdom still shouts out from beneath the surface and puts my heart to rest.
I think I'll take some of that.

In the fallout now
It's hard to feel like we can turn around
With the damage done
It's hard to see how far we've come
We could not be proud
Of where our feet have walked along the ground
In the silence now
We play it back and forwards again

There's a sound in our guiltiness
It's a warning bell that rings
It's a call for our lonliness
And we can't see

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

Play the victim here
You know it's nothing but your pride and fear
But the more you hurt
The more you love the one you were

There's a sound in our guiltiness
It's a warning bell that rings
It's a call for our lonliness
And we can't see

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

In the light of the mourning
Can we change what we felt and heard?
Can we turn it into the glory?
Break the paths of our fathers before us
Though we stand on the outside
We will find what we once believed
And will crawl our way to the clear skies
Standing up we are
Standing up we are

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

You know, more than anything I'd like to get into your head for just a little while and see if I can make some sort of order out of the mess that was.
I write this blog for myself, before you even came along, but I wonder if you sometimes come and have a peek... and further, I wonder what you think if you do.
You've always been the curious kind; you're a vault of secrets to boot.
I like to think that I was a good bit different than most of your interests or whatever you want to call them... maybe I'm just full of myself.
I do believe I was different, undoubtedly, but I think despite the way you've done away with me like something perishable that's been in the fridge for a year, you saw me a little different too. Who knows... I probably never will.
Exactly one year ago, I asked what you really meant all those times you said you loved me, scared as I was to make an ass out of myself. We were on the same page, and I was elated. It was cold that morning, and I had the day off of work. It was the first time I had had the entire week of the holiday off. I was sitting on the phone talking of God and life and everything in between, lying down on the couch under a big blanket because I just liked it that way.
I felt like a little kid, a giddy little boy with braces and zits and blah blah blah.
I was elated, you know?

Anyway... I wonder, ya know, if you come by and check up. Not that it matters I guess. It's not like I could go back even if I wanted to, even if you wanted to. Now is really not the time... if ever.

This year, I lost my future. I lost the most beautiful thing in the world, I did...
but there is always something to be thankful for, yes? I got to hold that most beautiful gift in my arms in the most beautiful city I have ever seen. I have learned this and that, and when I did have that gift, I had never sought God so fervently. That might be telling of my function I suppose... my shortcoming. I've fallen apart ever since, and it is only in the last month or two that I have been able to direct this emotion or this whatever in such a way that I have never put so much into my work as I have now. It keeps me occupied, and it relaxes me. I am not even a quarter of the man I once was, but hopefully I'll get there again. My integrity is not what it was, but the distaste of sitting and dwelling on all the things you left unsaid have driven me to just want to do something else that completely requires my focus and attention. For this I am somewhat grateful, I am.

I do miss you... the oooo baby!... the Holla back shawty!... the peace signs... the ridiculous faces... your dry skin that I could kiss and touch for hours upon hours... your silly little grin and the way your eyes would look up into the corner when you got a little embarrassed... your funny little fist that you would shake... all of your absolute cheesiness. My God, you're cheesy and it was the cutest thing I say.
Oh, and how so very very very much do I miss you reading me passages from your books or sharing the Scriptures that you had read and what God had really showed you.
I loved helping you by text to get big K to eat when she refused because she had this idea of not wanting to get fat. I loved when the little guy would shout Waaalll or Dat dat dat dat dat dat dat.. boom boom boom... even those great big raaaawwrrrs. I'm sure I have said this before, a million times over, but I fell in love with them as I fell in love with you. That's what you asked of me, and that's what I did. That may have been the most difficult part, losing them... these beautiful little gifts when I had already grown to love them so greatly in preparation for what was said to be coming. That was at least half of the pain, but that's a different issue I suppose.

Liar

I know that things are broken,
An' though there's too many words left unsaid.
You say you have spoken,
Like the coward I am, I hang my head.
You lie careless your head on my chest,
An' don't even look at me looking my best.
All these things I can't describe,
You would rather I didn't try.

But please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!

You lean in for your last kiss,
Who in this world could ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck,
Oh this love that I've found, I detest.

I wonder what you were thinking when you closed your eyes at times like these.
I wonder what you were thinking when you fell asleep in my arms at night and woke next to me in the morning.
I would have liked to lounge around the one night, late in Forsyth park, for a little longer there in the dark sitting on the bench.
That was a good night.

Cheesiest girl ever... and I loved it more than you'll ever know.

People still ask about you.
Yesterday when I was asked, I had to count the months. I guess that's a good thing, the fact that I no longer know off the top of my head. The days have turned to weeks have turned to months. I didn't know how to respond to most of the questions with anything other than an "I don't know. I really have no idea." [what had happened... where it all went... How?]

Just a year ago I was falling crown over sole for you.
You were moving me in nice and easy; it was little effort for you, and it wasn't so hard for me to love you either. My heart was broken for you. I gave you full access to this cold hard chest of mine and this time '09 you started doing surgery, cutting deeply and providing me warmth from the inside. I was hopeful and I looked only forward, right into those eyes as they turned from kelly to cornflower.

You blew my mind, sweetheart.
You had me; you had me.

I really do wonder if someone will ever take me away like you did. I really wonder if I'll ever want to be such a man again.
Really... but I guess it's a silly question seeing as I'm only going to be 24 next week. It's kind of hard to imagine being so focused again. It's hard to imagine being so absolutely honest again without fear.
I risked my dignity only to give love a chance.
I feel sick.

I dreamt of you again.
It's been a while, other than that one a few days ago that I really couldn't remember much anything of. This one was relentless, slow, and dragging. It was not as climactic and dramatic as the others, but it slowly rose to its boiling point at the very end. It devastated me again. It pulled me and it had hope poke its head out of this dark hole and stare me in the eye for a second... just a second. It took me away again to a place where the air is cold and the skin is warm. It picked me up; it made my heart race. Then my heart stopped as it dropped me, thrust me toward the ground.

I feel like perhaps I've put your shoes on as I have begun walking this current mile. I wonder if this is how you felt. If it is, I guess I understand you a little more. This is like a not so fun game of musical chairs. No one has pulled any chairs just yet, but we sure are switching places.

I go from this dream to other worries tonight, and it has to be the worst segway ever. I had to stop talking, stop thinking to keep from tears. It's wild how something so stupid, trivial, inanimate like a damn shaved ice can keep me occupied for just long enough to regain some composure, some posture. I feel a litle pathetic for this one.

I've got a few empty things in my hands right now, and it's ironic how these vessels weigh the most when they are devoid of their respective substances.

I am tired, and I am weak.
I am overwhelmed at the moment, and this is foreign.

Let's stand up straight. Head on, here we go.
I love you.
Lord, give me grace.
Give me grace.

Your Boldness Stands Alone

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart.
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start.
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left.
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your
own head.

But it was not your fault but mine,
and it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time,
didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before.
Tremble little lion man,
You'll never settle any of your score.
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck.
Learn from your mother or else spend your days biting
your own neck.

But it was not your fault but mine,
and it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

Arrival

I'll never forget that day.

That was the longest and highest escalator I have ever seen, and it just seemed like it went on forever. For that day it was my little motorized stairway to heaven. I wasn't even sure if you were around yet. I got to the top and walked forward slowly with my peripheral vision, all the while looking down at my phone. I put it away, looked up, and walked more intently with my head up. I saw restroom signs and just beneath them, behind those stanchions, I saw many people. I didn't figure you to be there just yet, but then I felt someone looking and noticed this baby blue beautiful moving about through the crowd. Your face showed a disbelief, a latent excitement, and, as was there so often, that unsureness of self.
You were so nervoues; I only saw your eyes meet mine for just a very quick second before I hugged and kissed you. I picked you up and squeezed you so tight, just elated while my throat closed up a little and it became harder to breathe. I couldn't believe how small and dainty you were. I loved it. I loved you.
You misdirected me nervously to the wrong area for my luggage so we sat there for about five minutes as we watched the same 3 or 4 oversized bags revolve around on a silver belt. This sweet older lady directed us in the right direction after we stood there long enough. All the while you pushed your hands deep into the large pocket in front of your hoodie; you pulled out your phone and flipped it open and closed. You would not even look me in the eye, but you stood beside me as tall as you possibly could with your fingers tangled in mine. I still sometimes smile at the thought of your little crooked fingers in my hand when I am alone. You were so worried, so unsure, apparently in disbelief that I was actually there. You complained of your dry skin, and your flakey hair, but I paid it all no attention. I thought you looked beautiful, and it lit my face up. My heart beat more deliberately; my breathing was slower, steadier, and I too was close to disbelief. I squeezed your little hand as we waited for my bag, pulled you a little closer and kissed you on the cheek several times before it made its way around.

Tonight is not a good night.
I am sad, and I am so aware of how much I miss you. I wonder if I'll ever speak to you again. I wonder if I could compose myself if I ever had the chance.
I loved you so extravagantly and recklessly, and I do love you, sweetheart.
I do not know how to not love you, so I do. I break at the fact that I will never have the opportunity to live out a life that speaks to you each and every day in a way that brings your life value and a recognition that you don't have to do anything to erase your past in order to be loved truly and genuinely. I loved you after I knew what I was getting myself into with hope and faith that God would build you and change your heart as you would allow Him... I guess it never came, that allowance. I guess I'll never be so fulfilled in the way I hoped for with all of my terrible heart... I guess not.

Good night, french fry.

This time no; this time no.

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."

Roll Away Your Stone

Roll away your stone I will roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside

You told me that I wouldn't find a home
Beneath the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
Yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works’
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see

Stars hide your fires
For these here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I will be found
With my stake stuck in the ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

And you, you've gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

Dear

I wonder what has become of you.
I doubt anyone knows because it seems that no one, including yourself, has really known for quite some time.

You were my best friend.
Even Karina hadn't got that close.
I really did give you all I had, and I'm having a hard time finding it all on my own again.
I never trusted like I did you.
I hope I can do it again; I hope I am not entirely walled off and afraid.

You were my best friend.
... and now I do not even know you.
My heart still breaks when I see picture of your beautiful babies, but that's all.
Your pictures are like windows with views of nothing but flat and endless horizons.

My heart breaks for them more than for anything.
I wonder how much she will follow your pattern.
I pray God graces her with a personal encounter somehow or another before she gets there because you know better than any one of us what a terrible terrible path you've walked along.
That's the worst part of it all: You refuse to be honest about where you've been and what you've done. You rob yourself of a strong-built character because of dishonesty, shame, and pride. Those three bound together are not easily cut down, but surely it is possible. You put on this smile made of veneers and shine bright for everyone around you to see, but they don't see a damn thing, do they?

I hope my judgement has gone completely haywire in this, or simply that you've changed considerably in the past few months. I'm not so optimistic though...
but it's all for the sake of your beautiful little ones, and I couldn't possibly throw away all hope if they are considered.

God curse this cycle.
God bless you.
I love you, sweetheart.
I swear I do.

Not only do I miss you.
Not only do I miss your gorgeous little ones.
I miss the man I was, the man I had become.
He seems to be all but entirely absent today..

Lie Down and Stare Up

I remember lying there with you...Beside you, moving your hair aside to kiss your shoulder and neck... whispering closely to your ear, "I love you. I'm so happy that you are all mine..." I breathed in deep with my chest to your back, arm around your waist to keep you ever so close, chin on your shoulder... I exhaled slowly, deeply, and my warm breath danced over your pale skin.
Beneath you, you weighed nothing. You leaned over and kissed me; I kissed you. Hands on your hips, holding you there... You looked down and every time you kissed me, your lips turned upward to smile wide. I moved my hands up your torso. I touched your lovely face. I slipped one hand over your cheek, caressing your skin slowly and moving my hand behind your neck, pulled you forward and kissed you... then the second hand snuck its way behind your ear, your neck. I held you with both hands while I pressed my lips to yours... I stroked your cheek with my thumb. I kissed you again... and again.
Atop you, your legs were strong, and so you kept me close. I rested on my hands, on my elbows and on you. I was afraid I'd break you, smash you, but you loved it. You wrapped yourself around me. Your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist. We laid there quietly with the biggest grins. When we did separate just a bit, you help my face, and I kissed your soft lips lightly... deeply. I will never ever forget the very dim light that trickled through the half shut curtains or the light of the television in the darkness. I remember looking down at you several times here and there in this low ambiance, and the look that looked at me... oh my. I will never forget. At the time, I saw love love love in this stare, in this glare. I've never looked so deep and so far. That look was inside of me. Your eyes saw me inside and out. I was bare before you... but now it's all just barren. I now wonder what went through your head at these visceral times... these formerly wonderful times.
I loved you my dear, and I did my best to have my eyes speak the way yours did. They tore through me like I have never been... that stare.. that look. Those beautiful beautiful eyes turning blue.

I will never forget such a look, such a glimmer.
Of hope.
Hope hoped for.
Love left alone.
You shone so bright my dear.
You shone bright.

Atop.
I'll never forget looking down, looking into, such a vast vast place...

March '10

I think about you standing out here in the cold...
Tungsten and fluorescent above me, around me.
The sky is dark, the pavement black, and my jacket matches their color or lack thereof.
I'm a little chilly, sure, but I've got you on my mind and that keeps me warm...
that and my jasmine tea with honey and cream.
Really though, the little sips warm my thoat and mouth, but I'd much rather your lips...
your rosy flesh is the finest heat.
It's such a small source, but it is beyond concentrated.
It warms my hands, my lips, the flesh of my chest that you press against, yes.
The warm runs further;
it does not crawl or creep in, but it jumps in, pushes its way in forcefully...
past the epidermis,
past the sternum.
The cold pump deep inside my chest burns up by your touch,
and you touch not only by flesh but tonight you warm by thought.
Warmth hits my chest,
it fills my chest,
and it trickles down my arms and into my fingers.
A corner of my mouth turns upward as the warmth rises to my neck like it's the rim of a cup.
My cup runneth over tonight, today.
My love spills this way and that and I pray pray pray that you get a good splash.
I pray that you receive the warmth and love that I try to project and live out,
even though I am flawed so so so.
I love you, Ashley.
You mean the world to me, and though I find fear knocking at my door now and again,
I never answer.
You're precious and rare.
Beautiful beautiful girl.
I love you more and more as we go along.
... and I hope we go much further.
I love you, Ashley Renee.
I love you.

1/14/10

I want to hold you hold you hold you... warming you with my arms pulling you against me, not letting go and trying to think that you really are mine for the moment... hoping like I have never hoped before that this will be over sooner than even YOU think... knowing very well that I'm putting my hopes so high that a fall from here might very well kill them, destroy them, abolish them... but I find you worth it as of now, from this view of things, so I'll stick to... I want to kiss you all the while, softly, lovingly, and when my flesh touches yours it will be devoid of vacant and depreciating lust... Rather, I will have love to guide my hands and my lips in lines, strokes, circles and in embrace... I will chase after the ethereal love that God has for you and I, in my own actions toward you... He will set my paradigm and I will do my best to follow... I still worry very much that my heart will grow colder than it ever has, but I love you, Ashley Renee. My heart breaks daily when others use and dispense of you in a disgusting way behind the guise of flattering words and friendly conversation... I'm holding my position as best I can. I believe at this point, I love you more than you love yourself because I am at a breaking point... I've reached critical mass, but you have not. You continue with the false notion that this is all you CAN do when it is not. I told you I would push and fight, even with you, for what is best for you, and this is it. I am not playing passive anymore because I see you for your true value in the eyes of the most wonderful God, Jesus Christ, who died for your life... your babies' lives. I pray you will be afforded a view from over here because once you do see things this way, once you realize that you are working to lose, being robbed blind each and every time you step into that little white box, losing more in 15 minutes than you'll ever be able to earn... and then... then I promise you your choice will be easy and this current option will no longer be considered... You are precious and priceless. You are wonderful, and you are loved greatly... tremendously. I love you, and I hope you understand how much and why very very soon... < 3

I'd have done anything to get you that wraparound porch.
Screw Orange County...
Screw this place.
I would have loved to grow old somewhere where there were no street lights and the Spanish moss hung low over our heads...
I gave you all of it, everything...
and I have nothing left.