Baby steps turn to leaps turn to bounds...

It seems as though my legs are under me again, strong and bearing little pain, but I am still just a little wary to really run right away.
Forgiveness and healing have overcome me, and I am forever grateful to God for this. Ken Blount was a great messenger, and I was quickly convinced and shared in his own personal revelation. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I'm no Jacob. I'm not a God-wrestler.
I'm not sure of where to go now, but I understand it's time to build my altar, my memorial and head somewhere new.
I am ever grateful and of an undoubting faith in that my God has doted upon me once again, regardless of being ever undeserving, and given me freedom from self.
I do however, wake up lately with this uneasy feeling and with this unsettling discomfort. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I suppose I do at the same time as I type this out. It takes little sense to know that you've got to fill the hole left after drilling out a cavity, yes?

You took from me this desire to be a "good" man, whatever that means to people. You stole my hope and my faith. My love left me despite the fact I had just learned to love with a never before seen selflessness of magnificent capacities. I loved you because He loved me first, just the same, but now He just loves me. The things on my mind have been devoid of love as of late, but I must take heart because it looks like the refilling has begun. Hopefully again, my cup runs over with that love that I fostered for you. God graces me time and time again with wisdom and understanding that have taken deep root in my mind and spirit, so despite any feeling I might have, the sometimes buried wisdom still shouts out from beneath the surface and puts my heart to rest.
I think I'll take some of that.

Lie Down and Stare Up

I remember lying there with you...Beside you, moving your hair aside to kiss your shoulder and neck... whispering closely to your ear, "I love you. I'm so happy that you are all mine..." I breathed in deep with my chest to your back, arm around your waist to keep you ever so close, chin on your shoulder... I exhaled slowly, deeply, and my warm breath danced over your pale skin.
Beneath you, you weighed nothing. You leaned over and kissed me; I kissed you. Hands on your hips, holding you there... You looked down and every time you kissed me, your lips turned upward to smile wide. I moved my hands up your torso. I touched your lovely face. I slipped one hand over your cheek, caressing your skin slowly and moving my hand behind your neck, pulled you forward and kissed you... then the second hand snuck its way behind your ear, your neck. I held you with both hands while I pressed my lips to yours... I stroked your cheek with my thumb. I kissed you again... and again.
Atop you, your legs were strong, and so you kept me close. I rested on my hands, on my elbows and on you. I was afraid I'd break you, smash you, but you loved it. You wrapped yourself around me. Your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist. We laid there quietly with the biggest grins. When we did separate just a bit, you help my face, and I kissed your soft lips lightly... deeply. I will never ever forget the very dim light that trickled through the half shut curtains or the light of the television in the darkness. I remember looking down at you several times here and there in this low ambiance, and the look that looked at me... oh my. I will never forget. At the time, I saw love love love in this stare, in this glare. I've never looked so deep and so far. That look was inside of me. Your eyes saw me inside and out. I was bare before you... but now it's all just barren. I now wonder what went through your head at these visceral times... these formerly wonderful times.
I loved you my dear, and I did my best to have my eyes speak the way yours did. They tore through me like I have never been... that stare.. that look. Those beautiful beautiful eyes turning blue.

I will never forget such a look, such a glimmer.
Of hope.
Hope hoped for.
Love left alone.
You shone so bright my dear.
You shone bright.

Atop.
I'll never forget looking down, looking into, such a vast vast place...

Reacquaint

I've seen you every single day since.
I go to Target and see some Cracker Barrel cheese and I think of you.
A friend of mine mentions at dinner that his company's main offices are in Savannah, Georgia.
I see your polaroids lying around in random drawers of my desk.
I take a screen shot on skype and there next to the latest is you nodding off because you are tired.
I clean out my email and there is an itinerary confirmation for a plane to Atlanta.
The negatives from our time together are strewn about here and there.
My friends invited me to see Sublime tonight...
and this is only in the past week.


Some days I look at your picture and I see a blank screen.
I see no one there; I stare past.
Other days, I can't see your picture without breaking.
It's a knee jerk reaction and the tears come fast.
I don't know what this means exactly.
You are obviously still here somewhere, but it seems I've misplaced you for the sake of sanity.
Regardless, I don't think any of it has helped.
I am plainly broken.
I know where to go, but I can't seem to lift my legs and carry myself there.
I can't see it happening any time soon either.
It's very strange and very new.
Resiliency... hope... where are you?
It seems as though all three of you have left me the same.
Let me have just one.

I have met you again recently.
It breaks my heart.
Januaries and Octobers...
Fair skin.
Broken hearts.
Blue eyes.
One year later.

Oh my.
Oh my...
These late summer nights and the conversations running around them.
Goodnight; goodnight.
Sweet.
Precious.
Lovely.
Oh lovely...

Cynic

I'm glad to have gotten this book out of the way finally. I wish I could have contributed more effort along the way, but I'm grateful and honored that I was able to help in the editing process and the final work. Hopefully people like it; I hope people buy it up next week come conference time... I still need to sit down and read it as a whole. I didn't really have that opportunity while I was sifting through for errors and conjuring up ways to say this or that in a different way. Projects like this should be able to keep my writing sharp...

Let's hope so anyway.

It was nice working with Pastor C on the project... It afforded us a nice little talk at the end of it all, and what looks like more open discourse in the future. He noted that the beginning of the year was great; he saw good things coming from me throughout from the time Pastor Art paid a visit to Ignite early on. He said that after our first night of RELATE, after I wrote that piece about you.. about her.. the one I posted here with the video a little while ago.. he saw a change in me. From that night on, the lights went out. Things got real dark, and apparently I became cynical and changed in a bad way...
I laughed when he told me of his observation. I knew better than he even did. Things really did go dark around that time, pitch black...

I'm sitting here, talking to Matt and about those who complement us... that significant woman who might eventually take up the other side of the bed.
It's funny... you by far, she by far, brought the best out in me. My spirituality skyrocketed, my maturity went up up up, my fear of responsibility went away, and I've never loved so absolutely extravagantly.
I was asked what I've learned so far from this experience and the list went on. Most notably, I was able to see how God works and how He feels each and every day.. from day to day and second to second. He loves us to absolutely no end, without flaw because He Is perfect. Time after time though, we spit on Him... we spit at Him... we put Him beneath our feet or toss Him aside. I didn't even love so perfectly, though I will say I loved like never before, and I feel honest in saying I loved her, I love you, like no one else has yet to do. I gave it all. Everything on my side was on the table, every little bit... Forgiveness ran like it was on tap. I just loved, uplifted, spoke of true genuine value for your sake and for your children's sake most importantly. It made its way into your darkened chest piece and warmed you, brought fresh revelation and insight from God. I saw you shine so magnificently. I loved you in those dark times that you allowed yourself to be given away and used like a rag. I pushed you forward and upward towards God as best I could, so that you might put your trust in Him again and take hold of the value and identity that you had in God. I bore a weight like I never have before... for months. I never gave up, and I never sought to. I would have carried on for months more, but it appeared that God had gotten to you and His love had changed you... your mind and heart.

... and just like that, you were gone to other things. Fitting in and doing what everyone else was doing as if they couldn't love you like I did. They probably wouldn't. They don't know half of you, do they? None of them. I still loved you; I still forgave you willingly even beforehand. How many times did I tell you to just put it all out for us to see and I'd give you nothing but love and forgiveness in exchange for truth and love likewise? How many times did you tell me that the plate was empty?

I say all that to speak of the view I was allowed... realizing that God gives us this and more day after day, and so many of us, including myself, do the same thing in turn... turning away and even making an effort to shout back and push away as far as we possibly can, as if God were the pest or the reason for our calamity. It's wild it is... our inability as human beings to accept forgiveness and love as it TRULY IS.
Taking the real thing over some strangers' approval is sometimes so difficult at times, but I've come to see that it's at these times that we have forgotten who we really ARE. God has given us an identity and that's it... accept it despite circumstance and wrongdoing. God forgives.. I forgive. God loves; I love.

I love you because, like I've said a hundred times, He loved me in the same way.
I love you because He loves you in this way. Neither one of us is deserving, but whatever. It's there, so take it and accept it. Stop sabotaging yourself so you can justify walking away. I know it's uncomfortable and I know there's that little voice in your head telling you that you're ok and that your "friends" are all you really need, but how many will you go through? It's like they pass through a revolving door... and we both know that. When will you allow someone to show you love love love without pushing them so very far away. When will you push past the unfamiliarity and discomfort and just accept it?

I never thought I'd need someone to give me one of those "pep talks"...
and here I am. I need them frequently it seems. The gist of them is that at some point, I'll move forward and leave it all behind. Unfortunately, a good bit of me doesn't quite want to. I just sit here and rifle through your picture for the first time in weeks as I sit and listen to encouraging words... tears welling up... until I'm asked for a response. I close the window, straighten up, make sure my throat is clear and move forward for the night...

Goodnight.