Say Hi to Daddy...

Sweetheart, I dreamt of you just the other day.
I've been having very vivid dreams, so lively.

Anyway... I was in Target, the one in Cypress, with my buddy James and another fella who I can no longer remember picking up a gift for someone's birthday. I was walking through and past the men's section to the back of the store, and there you were.
Even now as I recall days later, it's fresh and alive as can be; it's rough.
Dressed in your red and khaki with your little name tag. We stopped and just kind of stared at each other for a moment or two before I reached out to hug you. Good Lord, my heart was racing racing racing. My breath was gone, but I squeezed a small exchange out. You said that you'd be around and that we'd see each other again after the boys walked away. I hugged you so damn tight with my cheek pressed into your neck. We parted just a bit, but I did not want to let you go. My hands slipped to your waist before I kissed you on the cheek. Another I gave, but this time I caught the corner of your mouth as you rested your hands on my arms gently. A quick turn of the head and looking at one another came before a true solid kiss. Oh your lips, your lips, I missed them...
We parted slowly and stepped back with eyes welling. We promised we'd see each other again.
Next thing I know, we're paying for our things. I'm last of the three, and as the cashier begins to ring me up, there you are again. Beautiful little Kait and Kaleb at your side. They've gotten so big I thought. I think this time, seeing the babies, was even heavier for me. My legs were gone and the air was knocked out of me. There you are with the baby in your hands, holding her up to me and saying, "Say hi to your daddy." Ooomph. I couldn't hold her, so we all walked over to a table in the snack area while the fellas walked to the car. Even now this is a difficult recollection to live through...
I kissed Big K, little K... how beautiful beautiful beautiful they were.
I took your beautiful little face in my hands, grazing my fingertips over your cheek and behind your ear... stroking the skin softly with my thumb.
I had to go, but yes yes, we will see each other again. I missed you, sweetheart, and I love you more than life itself. I have to go.
I ran outside fearing I'd been left behind, all the while looking back at you looking back at me through the storefront with these beautiful little children at your side... waving those small precious hands back and forth.
Today I see this in slow motion, and it is a dreadfully heartbreaking thing to see. I caught the car as they were pulling away, and away we went... waking me from my sleep.

Thinking of it now, it is more dificult than when I had first lived it.
I looked at your picture today, and I saw very clearly again your face in my mind.
I saw the long upper lip that hung with supple beauty when you stared at me in the dim light. I cannot shake that scene, my dear; your stare, the way you stared, just burned a hole straight through my soul, and I do not imagine forgetting it. It was dark there, and the blue light from the overcast day peeked through the curtains just enough for me to focus on your sublime face and the stare, oh this stare, that you branded me with. Your hand rested on my cheek, o' how I loved that feeling of your tiny little hand against my face, and you craned your neck just a bit. Your beautiful little face and those gems for eyes looked up at me framed by your splayed out hair, framed by a soft, fluffy white pillow. I laid there on top of you, legs wrapped around me, so absolutely astonished by this gaze in your eye. I had never ever seen such a thing, and to this day I don't imagine seeing much anything else close to it.

I suppose it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but when I recall these images and these touches of you, I still fall apart a good bit. I have never had such a wonderful little gift... never ever, and never did I think it would be taken from me like it was.

God help me.

Goodbye Grey

I despise being quick to anger, but I do not know what else to do and how I should react at times. It's all due to sadness mostly, hurt.
I am this terribly mean person lately, having lost love and patience.
I am unhappy in most all areas of my life, and instead of crying out to my gracious God, I just fire up and it's wearing on me.
I see a breaking in my near future.
I really hope it comes because it seems the sweet grey I have kept occupied with for the past several months has gone gone away.
The blazing hot sun is out, and it's no secret how much I despise such a scene.

Good Lord, O' I AM, please please... break me.

She stole my heart
and made me sing.
She tore me limb from limb.
I did not think that I could love
with love that way again.
Again.

How glad I was to be myself,
and use my heart once more.
How glad I was to be a man,
and love that girl that I adored.
Adored.

My eyes shall see light again;
My heart shall bleed right again.
My eyes shall see light again;
My heart heart shall bleed right again.


Wow.. it's as if they have read my blog and written a song about it. Wow.

Arrival

I'll never forget that day.

That was the longest and highest escalator I have ever seen, and it just seemed like it went on forever. For that day it was my little motorized stairway to heaven. I wasn't even sure if you were around yet. I got to the top and walked forward slowly with my peripheral vision, all the while looking down at my phone. I put it away, looked up, and walked more intently with my head up. I saw restroom signs and just beneath them, behind those stanchions, I saw many people. I didn't figure you to be there just yet, but then I felt someone looking and noticed this baby blue beautiful moving about through the crowd. Your face showed a disbelief, a latent excitement, and, as was there so often, that unsureness of self.
You were so nervoues; I only saw your eyes meet mine for just a very quick second before I hugged and kissed you. I picked you up and squeezed you so tight, just elated while my throat closed up a little and it became harder to breathe. I couldn't believe how small and dainty you were. I loved it. I loved you.
You misdirected me nervously to the wrong area for my luggage so we sat there for about five minutes as we watched the same 3 or 4 oversized bags revolve around on a silver belt. This sweet older lady directed us in the right direction after we stood there long enough. All the while you pushed your hands deep into the large pocket in front of your hoodie; you pulled out your phone and flipped it open and closed. You would not even look me in the eye, but you stood beside me as tall as you possibly could with your fingers tangled in mine. I still sometimes smile at the thought of your little crooked fingers in my hand when I am alone. You were so worried, so unsure, apparently in disbelief that I was actually there. You complained of your dry skin, and your flakey hair, but I paid it all no attention. I thought you looked beautiful, and it lit my face up. My heart beat more deliberately; my breathing was slower, steadier, and I too was close to disbelief. I squeezed your little hand as we waited for my bag, pulled you a little closer and kissed you on the cheek several times before it made its way around.

Tonight is not a good night.
I am sad, and I am so aware of how much I miss you. I wonder if I'll ever speak to you again. I wonder if I could compose myself if I ever had the chance.
I loved you so extravagantly and recklessly, and I do love you, sweetheart.
I do not know how to not love you, so I do. I break at the fact that I will never have the opportunity to live out a life that speaks to you each and every day in a way that brings your life value and a recognition that you don't have to do anything to erase your past in order to be loved truly and genuinely. I loved you after I knew what I was getting myself into with hope and faith that God would build you and change your heart as you would allow Him... I guess it never came, that allowance. I guess I'll never be so fulfilled in the way I hoped for with all of my terrible heart... I guess not.

Good night, french fry.

I do not understand...

I had this terrible dream about you. I see these silly actions as I sleep, and it scares me because the last time I had a dream like that, it turned out to be kind of prophetic in a literal and slightly metaphorical way. I'm scared, and I am heartbroken. I've been up for a few hours and the dream is still wearing on me. I'm already drained, and I've been near tears.

I'm sitting here at Chik-fil-a and I'm in Orange freaking county... I overhear some lady who says she's from Atlanta, and apparently the manager working here went to Kennesaw... and this damn Needtobreathe song comes on the f'ng radio.

I talked about you yesterday. Someone asked me if I missed you. I told her sometimes... Honestly, sometimes the thought of you coming back overwhelms me and makes me nervous. I really wouldn't know what to do. Whenever someone asks what happened, I have no answer because I don't even know...

Friday night I sat and talked of you for a good hour. I almost made my friend cry a few times, and I don't really know why. We talked about a lot... She says my face lit up so bright when we talked about little and big K. We talked about my insecurities of being a future father and how once I got over it and began to prepare myself for that position... once I stopped being afraid to love, the opportunity that had been presented me was ripped from my hands. We talked about how insecure that made me further. We talked about how much it hurt to think I was trusted and chosen to such a honorable place in some precious and beautiful children's lives and to have it disappear overnight... the dainty little hands that asked and hoped for me to be this man were the same ones to tear those lovely little dreams away, and that was the most devastating part of it all. I've been afraid lately. I have been cynical and cold... pushing myself away from even some of my best friends who have been there for me in my walk with Christ... my walk of life.
My friend asked me if I would ever take you back if you decided so, and I couldn't answer the question. I almost cried at the thought. Whether it was, hope, happiness, or disappointment I do not know. It was probably some very strong mix of them all.

I've kind of been a mess...
I've asked myself if integrity even matters...
God help me, save me, when I ask such questions...
You've upended me sweetheart.
I'm on my head.

Why are you still here?
I don't really want you to go, but I don't really want you to stay either.
I do not understand.

Lie Down and Stare Up

I remember lying there with you...Beside you, moving your hair aside to kiss your shoulder and neck... whispering closely to your ear, "I love you. I'm so happy that you are all mine..." I breathed in deep with my chest to your back, arm around your waist to keep you ever so close, chin on your shoulder... I exhaled slowly, deeply, and my warm breath danced over your pale skin.
Beneath you, you weighed nothing. You leaned over and kissed me; I kissed you. Hands on your hips, holding you there... You looked down and every time you kissed me, your lips turned upward to smile wide. I moved my hands up your torso. I touched your lovely face. I slipped one hand over your cheek, caressing your skin slowly and moving my hand behind your neck, pulled you forward and kissed you... then the second hand snuck its way behind your ear, your neck. I held you with both hands while I pressed my lips to yours... I stroked your cheek with my thumb. I kissed you again... and again.
Atop you, your legs were strong, and so you kept me close. I rested on my hands, on my elbows and on you. I was afraid I'd break you, smash you, but you loved it. You wrapped yourself around me. Your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist. We laid there quietly with the biggest grins. When we did separate just a bit, you help my face, and I kissed your soft lips lightly... deeply. I will never ever forget the very dim light that trickled through the half shut curtains or the light of the television in the darkness. I remember looking down at you several times here and there in this low ambiance, and the look that looked at me... oh my. I will never forget. At the time, I saw love love love in this stare, in this glare. I've never looked so deep and so far. That look was inside of me. Your eyes saw me inside and out. I was bare before you... but now it's all just barren. I now wonder what went through your head at these visceral times... these formerly wonderful times.
I loved you my dear, and I did my best to have my eyes speak the way yours did. They tore through me like I have never been... that stare.. that look. Those beautiful beautiful eyes turning blue.

I will never forget such a look, such a glimmer.
Of hope.
Hope hoped for.
Love left alone.
You shone so bright my dear.
You shone bright.

Atop.
I'll never forget looking down, looking into, such a vast vast place...

I am not okay at this point.
I am bummed out. (euphemism)
I do stuff I enjoy; I do things to keep myself occupied.
I am doing my best to take all of this emotion and confusion and whatever else is left behind, and I am trying to burn it up in new efforts and endeavors.
... but I just get bummed out because you aren't there anymore to share it all with.

I've been told I'll be okay.
I'll be okay.
I guess.

I am still at an utter loss.

Your value can never truly be depreciated.
You are precious.
You are priceless, but God's paid for you life anyway.
He's got you covered.

The pain you bear overwhelms ME.
How on earth might I bear it for many others?
I'm drained and consumed by thoughts of YOUR past...
not in such a way that you are an invaluable someone who has done many wrongs, but all the times rather that you have been robbed and used. I think about the scars you bear and the mindset that has been warped.
I think of these things and the viscious, noxious lies that were fed to you all the while... the lies you're fed today.
It crushes me.

You're still ever precious.
You're still priceless.

April 3, 2010

God, I hope this helps.
Here's my prayer, God...
I feel like I'm kind of being dangled on this hook right, just being brushed off and not taken seriously over and over.
All of this after everything... it hurts. I've shown anger and frustration, but simply it just hurts. I have loved her in dark dark times... dismal times. I spoke truth to her about her value and about what she means to You, God. I loved her, and I do love her... I've shown her a great capacity to love genuinely. I have shouldered an extraordinary burden for months... watching her suffer day after day and night after night, waiting anxiously to relieve herself, so I could tell her how much she was loved by both You and I. I would sit and talk to her for hours to lift her up and let her know that she was not meant to live life in such a way... God, I told her of all the wonderful things You have for her day after day after day... never putting her down and only doing my very best to lift her up to You in speech and in prayer. She insisted that I was amazing and I humbly refused her compliments over and over, noting that the only thing amazing was You. I told her that I was not perfect and I told her that I had some work to do myself. Did she just ignore that?
I am sitting here with another heavy something on my shoulders tonight... something that has been growing for the past week or so. It's looking like she wants out.
Has she forgotten all of those weeks and months that I loved her in her loneliest and darkest times? Does she not think that I am capable of change? She says I am not the man she fell in love with, but I am. I am the same imperfect man that I was months ago. I am that same man that would tell her of her worth until she fell asleep every wretched night of an awful job. I showed her love and I endured the pain... accepted the baggage that came along with it... knowing all along what I was getting myself into. I saw past the brokenness and I loved her, I do love her, with all of my formerly cold and callous heart. She turned me warm... got the blood pumping again because God knows I couldn't do so with a stone inside my chest.
Those were some of the heaviest days I have lived, but to see her smiling face and to watch her come to realize that she IS loved... tremendously... it was all so so worth it. I'd do it again if I had to.
She is beyond precious to me and on January 16th, I had the world for the first time...
I've been good and good, but then I went down for a bit. I lost focus and I lost some confidence. I pushed a little too hard and I started pointing the finger in an immature way... analyzing and blah blah blah... like I had no issues. Look at this huge plank in my eye, yeah, it's You Who showed me in the first place and here I am again.
I've been acting like a jackass... insecure little boy and I am beyond embarassed.
You've given me this revelation, and it's finally clicked... I have to just be a man and stick to my choices... back my decisions and be sure of them.
I get it, and that's what I'm going to do... I get it. I've learned.
So does she not think I can change? Am I so wretched and filthy a man in her eyes that she thinks God is not capable of changing me? Has she forgotten all the love love love I shared with her in those ridiculously dark and ugly times? Is it something else that she will not say? What is it? Does she just need time to think and consider if we'll be together in the end? What's the deal? This anxiety presses down on me and it is beyond taxing. It is so difficult to sleep these nights and she seems to sleep soundly. She seems to socialize with nothing pressing on her conscience... How would I know though. I can't keep her on the phone for more than 10 to 15 minutes before she says something like she has to go... or she'll call me right back... which she never actually does.
I do not want to think of losing her. When I held her, I held her like I would see her again. I did not hold her like it was the last time I ever would. I held her with the promise and the belief that we would spend many more hours together... many more days and weeks and moths and years... I love her, and I've never been so blessed so as to hold something so absolutely precious. To see these beautiful little lady go from a bleak and awful reality to stepping back into the promises of God... stepping back into the plan that He's got for her. I thought I might be a part of that plan, but it's not looking so good.
I mean... I'm not one to fold to circumstance and I have yet to do so because I know Who You Are, God. This might be the most costly lesson I will ever learn... to lose something so precious for something so trivial... but like I said, maybe it's something more... I don't know... ;'[
I'm just left here dangling on a hook... like some half dead fish being toyed with.
Oh Lord, I've fasted and I have prayed... I don't know what else to do, but this is tiring...
I do not want to imagine this being the end... but what can I do? I cannot make her stay whether I think it is "fair" or not. If she has forgotten the love I have showed her, like no love I have ever been able to produce... if she refuses to believe that I am imperfect just like her... if she simply refuses to show me forgiveness in turn... if it is something unnamed that is her reason for escape... whatever it is... Lord, bring comfort and bring understanding... peace peace peace and strength. I need it like you wouldn't believe tonight, well, I'm sure you'd believe it... You know it.
God have your way... you know I am here and you know what I desire...
My heart may break, but you can always restore it...
I'd really rather it not break this time though... break it with something else, but not this.

Put it out there; get rid of it.

I remember a remark you made once concerning my writing and my expression.
You said something about my writing always being so sad and somber.

I'm sorry for that. Over the years, I've realized that my expression in writing, especially in places like this, these silly online blogs or journals or diaries... whatever you want to call them... that they have become dumping grounds mostly.
When I was young I wrote much of my spiritual exploits and my lessons learned. It's sort of neat to look back at those entries and see where I was and what I was thinking at the time, little bits and pieces of my life earlier to give some sort of insight or marking point in my growth as an individual.
Today, these little blogs don't serve the same purpose, as you can tell. My writing has become dark and cynical, surely. It's all due to life lived and introspection galore.
I kind of likened it to this: I'm patient, and I do believe in facing things head on... difficult things that would otherwise drive me up the wall and back down. This writing has been my method my disconnection or my letting go rather of certain things. I have put things that I wanted to get past here: terrible things that have happened to me, things that weigh so absolutely heavy on my heart, thoughts and doubts in my mind that I know will do a bad thing should they be left to bounce around and dwell inside of my skull... things that make me sad mostly, burdens I cannot bear alone.
We had our time, we did, that was just so pleasant regardless of any conflict or secrets revealed. I never wrote about that until now, you know... all these wonderful little things we had.
Back to my point about what I've likened this to...
These things that weigh heavy on me for whatever reason they do, I've always wanted to be done with them... be away with them, and this is the place where I kind of left them. It's been this vast, endless field where I can just chuck my junk as far as I can throw it... and I did, I do... I will probably keep doing it.
The beautiful, the lovely things... things like you and the love that was there, those things I never wanted to put down because I wanted to hold onto them myself. I never trusted a stupid little blog that could be wiped clean in a moment to hold my most wonderful and precious memories. I could never expect it to contain the happiness that my heart could, so I never wrote about it. I never expressed enough, I suppose, how absolutely happy I was. I was elated... it was all ethereal.
It left me in awe in the most beautiful of ways... I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want it to escape me, and it never did as you'll see now in my detailed writings...
The valve has been opened, and it's all just pouring out now because I don't think I can contain these once beautiful things anymore... not if you're not around anyway.

I'm sorry I was not more vocal about how happy I was.
I really was happier than I may have ever been... other than maybe once or twice, and both of those other occurrences involved God Himself, so I'd say that's not bad company to have there...

I had the world, and I didn't talk about it too much because I wanted to hold onto it myself. I was afraid of being robbed of such memories and experiences... that you all intertwined in them. These most precious precious things were my very very valuable treasure...

I can't even stay awake anymore.. I'm passing out.
I wish I were in Savannah again...