I had the worst dream to date this morning/last night...
I'm not even going to put it down and hope I forget the details.
The funny thing... once I get back to sleep, I have one of the most pleasant dreams of you. We were lying down in bed, and I was holding you. You were happy and playful. Smiling like you did before... loving on me and loving when I loved on you.
The weird thing was that your parents were in another bed in the same room. It was as if we were in a hotel room with two queens.
Anyway... there we laid and there we laughed quietly so as not to wake them... smiled and kissed.
I remember how amazing it felt to hold you again. My heart was warm and at rest, but your skin was warmer; it was softer.
Amazing.
God, I miss that smile...
Then, of course, I woke up...
This is quite the ride.
Showing posts with label bad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad. Show all posts
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
O dreams...
A few days ago I had one of those bad mornings... waking up at 4 or 5 only to toss and turn for almost an hour before I got back to sleep for another hour which was riddled another of those painful dreams.
I dreamt of you again... my typical theme as of late.
God, I miss you...
We were in my grandma Louise's old house, the one that has since been sold and torn down for the purpose of an empty lot for some years and then turning into some generic industrial building. Anyway...
There we were, together. I was elated that I had you. We were there together.
I don't know why the setting was what it was or what sort of significance it might have had, but there was a lot of history to that house and my family. That was probably the only "safe" or consistent setting I had in my life throughout my hectic childhood...
Once again, there we are. I came in from the kitchen, through the dining room, and there you were on the living room floor, lying in front of the television with your lap top. Come to find out, you're there. You're on.
You said it was no big deal... You said I needed to relax because you weren't there anywhere near as much anymore. It was ok because it was only seldom that you were on.
I walked over and shut the computer closed, yanked it from your grip and broke it... threw it on the floor with all my strength and my hurt and pummeled it to pieces.
As I finished, I woke up...
I was pretty drained for the whole day.
I dreamt of you again... my typical theme as of late.
God, I miss you...
We were in my grandma Louise's old house, the one that has since been sold and torn down for the purpose of an empty lot for some years and then turning into some generic industrial building. Anyway...
There we were, together. I was elated that I had you. We were there together.
I don't know why the setting was what it was or what sort of significance it might have had, but there was a lot of history to that house and my family. That was probably the only "safe" or consistent setting I had in my life throughout my hectic childhood...
Once again, there we are. I came in from the kitchen, through the dining room, and there you were on the living room floor, lying in front of the television with your lap top. Come to find out, you're there. You're on.
You said it was no big deal... You said I needed to relax because you weren't there anywhere near as much anymore. It was ok because it was only seldom that you were on.
I walked over and shut the computer closed, yanked it from your grip and broke it... threw it on the floor with all my strength and my hurt and pummeled it to pieces.
As I finished, I woke up...
I was pretty drained for the whole day.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Ending Dreams...
I spent a good time praying yesterday. I got home and went right to work... just sitting in the quiet, pouring out my heart to God and giving Him the things on my mind... my worries, my requests, and my obedience... what I recognized as flaw by reflecting on His word and the repentance that came with it. New commitments to His life... in my life.
I passed out last night pretty hard; I can't even remember falling asleep but it was some time before even 10 o'clock.
I dreamt of you, and it was an awful dream.
I remember all the ugly dreams of separation that I would have when I had the weeks of pain and bearing of the love burden... when you were not mine. When I was waiting on you patiently, carrying some massive amount of weight day by day by day.
I woke up around three o'clock this morning, grabbed my phone and had a little look at my facebook. Of course you were on my mind, but I was tired so I went back to lying down. I tossed and turned for an hour or so... unable to come to a place of comfort of body, but most importantly mind.
I got back to sleep finally for just one more cycle and this is what I remember of that dream:
You and I were speeding down the 57 Freeway, skies deathly dark and thunderous. You were terrified and as I looked out of the window over my shoulder I saw a tornado begin to form. It was quite a ways off, but you were terribly fearful. I told you it would be ok; we would be ok. So we sped up and sped on... there's this little s curve somewhere around the Imperial Highway exit and as we came to it, with the pavement being drenched, it seemed as though we were going far too fast to not lose control of the vehicle had we decided to slam on the brakes. There's this big grassy area and in the dream it seemed to have turned into a small lake of sorts. It looked like that's where we were headed. So we braced, we prepared... you removed you seat belt as the car lifted off and just as we hit the water you bailed. I had more trouble with my seatbelt, unable to get it off so quickly but I managed to escape seconds after we had landed in the deepening water. I'd made it safely to the patchy grass, but you were nowhere to be found. There were other people there, but I cannot remember if I knew anyone else.
At some point in the dream I also remember sitting on my lap top, having a video call with you on skype as you were driving somewhere... you were near home, and the weather was similarly stormy. You were driving down to visit a friend named Ashley something... I can't remember the last name. Your car lost control and we were cut off. This is how everything gets sort of wacky because when I make it to dry land, I have all this mind. It's as if you were never in the car with me in the first place. I frantically searched for a phone and managed to borrow one from one of the strangers near the crash. I called your mom repeatedly; it was the middle of the night there. I finally got a hold of her and told her what had happened, that you had been in a bad accident while you were driving down to visit your friend...
She thought about it for a second and used the phone to check facebook since I'd forgotton the girl's last name, but knew her picture when I saw it. I filled you mom in on who it was you were going to see exactly and she started running off the highways you'd have to take to get there... one of them rung a bell and she was off... I couldn't get a hold of you; it was all up to your mom finding you.
At some point after this I ended up in the car with my mother, having a very similar discussion to the one I had with her recently... You were the topic and there were some heavy issues to be talked about. The next thing I know, I'm running into the lobby area of some sort of classy hotel with the intent to find you. I'm searching for you hastily, and as I am making my way in I face this blockade of 30 to 40 models... like high fashion models. These girls were all tall and strong.. stylish and stunning. They were on their way out, but still they were in my way so I spend little time in pushing past them... I even knocked some of them down because I had to get to you... I had to find you and hold you was all I could think. I had to know you were ok and that I would hold you, bring comfort and love...
So as I pushed my way through the crowd, I ended up just through the entrance...
... and I woke up to my alarm.
It wasn't very pleasant.
I'm tired...
I passed out last night pretty hard; I can't even remember falling asleep but it was some time before even 10 o'clock.
I dreamt of you, and it was an awful dream.
I remember all the ugly dreams of separation that I would have when I had the weeks of pain and bearing of the love burden... when you were not mine. When I was waiting on you patiently, carrying some massive amount of weight day by day by day.
I woke up around three o'clock this morning, grabbed my phone and had a little look at my facebook. Of course you were on my mind, but I was tired so I went back to lying down. I tossed and turned for an hour or so... unable to come to a place of comfort of body, but most importantly mind.
I got back to sleep finally for just one more cycle and this is what I remember of that dream:
You and I were speeding down the 57 Freeway, skies deathly dark and thunderous. You were terrified and as I looked out of the window over my shoulder I saw a tornado begin to form. It was quite a ways off, but you were terribly fearful. I told you it would be ok; we would be ok. So we sped up and sped on... there's this little s curve somewhere around the Imperial Highway exit and as we came to it, with the pavement being drenched, it seemed as though we were going far too fast to not lose control of the vehicle had we decided to slam on the brakes. There's this big grassy area and in the dream it seemed to have turned into a small lake of sorts. It looked like that's where we were headed. So we braced, we prepared... you removed you seat belt as the car lifted off and just as we hit the water you bailed. I had more trouble with my seatbelt, unable to get it off so quickly but I managed to escape seconds after we had landed in the deepening water. I'd made it safely to the patchy grass, but you were nowhere to be found. There were other people there, but I cannot remember if I knew anyone else.
At some point in the dream I also remember sitting on my lap top, having a video call with you on skype as you were driving somewhere... you were near home, and the weather was similarly stormy. You were driving down to visit a friend named Ashley something... I can't remember the last name. Your car lost control and we were cut off. This is how everything gets sort of wacky because when I make it to dry land, I have all this mind. It's as if you were never in the car with me in the first place. I frantically searched for a phone and managed to borrow one from one of the strangers near the crash. I called your mom repeatedly; it was the middle of the night there. I finally got a hold of her and told her what had happened, that you had been in a bad accident while you were driving down to visit your friend...
She thought about it for a second and used the phone to check facebook since I'd forgotton the girl's last name, but knew her picture when I saw it. I filled you mom in on who it was you were going to see exactly and she started running off the highways you'd have to take to get there... one of them rung a bell and she was off... I couldn't get a hold of you; it was all up to your mom finding you.
At some point after this I ended up in the car with my mother, having a very similar discussion to the one I had with her recently... You were the topic and there were some heavy issues to be talked about. The next thing I know, I'm running into the lobby area of some sort of classy hotel with the intent to find you. I'm searching for you hastily, and as I am making my way in I face this blockade of 30 to 40 models... like high fashion models. These girls were all tall and strong.. stylish and stunning. They were on their way out, but still they were in my way so I spend little time in pushing past them... I even knocked some of them down because I had to get to you... I had to find you and hold you was all I could think. I had to know you were ok and that I would hold you, bring comfort and love...
So as I pushed my way through the crowd, I ended up just through the entrance...
... and I woke up to my alarm.
It wasn't very pleasant.
I'm tired...
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