Say Hi to Daddy...

Sweetheart, I dreamt of you just the other day.
I've been having very vivid dreams, so lively.

Anyway... I was in Target, the one in Cypress, with my buddy James and another fella who I can no longer remember picking up a gift for someone's birthday. I was walking through and past the men's section to the back of the store, and there you were.
Even now as I recall days later, it's fresh and alive as can be; it's rough.
Dressed in your red and khaki with your little name tag. We stopped and just kind of stared at each other for a moment or two before I reached out to hug you. Good Lord, my heart was racing racing racing. My breath was gone, but I squeezed a small exchange out. You said that you'd be around and that we'd see each other again after the boys walked away. I hugged you so damn tight with my cheek pressed into your neck. We parted just a bit, but I did not want to let you go. My hands slipped to your waist before I kissed you on the cheek. Another I gave, but this time I caught the corner of your mouth as you rested your hands on my arms gently. A quick turn of the head and looking at one another came before a true solid kiss. Oh your lips, your lips, I missed them...
We parted slowly and stepped back with eyes welling. We promised we'd see each other again.
Next thing I know, we're paying for our things. I'm last of the three, and as the cashier begins to ring me up, there you are again. Beautiful little Kait and Kaleb at your side. They've gotten so big I thought. I think this time, seeing the babies, was even heavier for me. My legs were gone and the air was knocked out of me. There you are with the baby in your hands, holding her up to me and saying, "Say hi to your daddy." Ooomph. I couldn't hold her, so we all walked over to a table in the snack area while the fellas walked to the car. Even now this is a difficult recollection to live through...
I kissed Big K, little K... how beautiful beautiful beautiful they were.
I took your beautiful little face in my hands, grazing my fingertips over your cheek and behind your ear... stroking the skin softly with my thumb.
I had to go, but yes yes, we will see each other again. I missed you, sweetheart, and I love you more than life itself. I have to go.
I ran outside fearing I'd been left behind, all the while looking back at you looking back at me through the storefront with these beautiful little children at your side... waving those small precious hands back and forth.
Today I see this in slow motion, and it is a dreadfully heartbreaking thing to see. I caught the car as they were pulling away, and away we went... waking me from my sleep.

Thinking of it now, it is more dificult than when I had first lived it.
I looked at your picture today, and I saw very clearly again your face in my mind.
I saw the long upper lip that hung with supple beauty when you stared at me in the dim light. I cannot shake that scene, my dear; your stare, the way you stared, just burned a hole straight through my soul, and I do not imagine forgetting it. It was dark there, and the blue light from the overcast day peeked through the curtains just enough for me to focus on your sublime face and the stare, oh this stare, that you branded me with. Your hand rested on my cheek, o' how I loved that feeling of your tiny little hand against my face, and you craned your neck just a bit. Your beautiful little face and those gems for eyes looked up at me framed by your splayed out hair, framed by a soft, fluffy white pillow. I laid there on top of you, legs wrapped around me, so absolutely astonished by this gaze in your eye. I had never ever seen such a thing, and to this day I don't imagine seeing much anything else close to it.

I suppose it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but when I recall these images and these touches of you, I still fall apart a good bit. I have never had such a wonderful little gift... never ever, and never did I think it would be taken from me like it was.

God help me.

Baby steps turn to leaps turn to bounds...

It seems as though my legs are under me again, strong and bearing little pain, but I am still just a little wary to really run right away.
Forgiveness and healing have overcome me, and I am forever grateful to God for this. Ken Blount was a great messenger, and I was quickly convinced and shared in his own personal revelation. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I'm no Jacob. I'm not a God-wrestler.
I'm not sure of where to go now, but I understand it's time to build my altar, my memorial and head somewhere new.
I am ever grateful and of an undoubting faith in that my God has doted upon me once again, regardless of being ever undeserving, and given me freedom from self.
I do however, wake up lately with this uneasy feeling and with this unsettling discomfort. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I suppose I do at the same time as I type this out. It takes little sense to know that you've got to fill the hole left after drilling out a cavity, yes?

You took from me this desire to be a "good" man, whatever that means to people. You stole my hope and my faith. My love left me despite the fact I had just learned to love with a never before seen selflessness of magnificent capacities. I loved you because He loved me first, just the same, but now He just loves me. The things on my mind have been devoid of love as of late, but I must take heart because it looks like the refilling has begun. Hopefully again, my cup runs over with that love that I fostered for you. God graces me time and time again with wisdom and understanding that have taken deep root in my mind and spirit, so despite any feeling I might have, the sometimes buried wisdom still shouts out from beneath the surface and puts my heart to rest.
I think I'll take some of that.

I order a pizza online from Pizza Hut, and even this reminds me of you.
I hope it tasted good. I hope it filled your little stomach when you needed it.

In the fallout now
It's hard to feel like we can turn around
With the damage done
It's hard to see how far we've come
We could not be proud
Of where our feet have walked along the ground
In the silence now
We play it back and forwards again

There's a sound in our guiltiness
It's a warning bell that rings
It's a call for our lonliness
And we can't see

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

Play the victim here
You know it's nothing but your pride and fear
But the more you hurt
The more you love the one you were

There's a sound in our guiltiness
It's a warning bell that rings
It's a call for our lonliness
And we can't see

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

In the light of the mourning
Can we change what we felt and heard?
Can we turn it into the glory?
Break the paths of our fathers before us
Though we stand on the outside
We will find what we once believed
And will crawl our way to the clear skies
Standing up we are
Standing up we are

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

If

You know, more than anything I'd like to get into your head for just a little while and see if I can make some sort of order out of the mess that was.
I write this blog for myself, before you even came along, but I wonder if you sometimes come and have a peek... and further, I wonder what you think if you do.
You've always been the curious kind; you're a vault of secrets to boot.
I like to think that I was a good bit different than most of your interests or whatever you want to call them... maybe I'm just full of myself.
I do believe I was different, undoubtedly, but I think despite the way you've done away with me like something perishable that's been in the fridge for a year, you saw me a little different too. Who knows... I probably never will.
Exactly one year ago, I asked what you really meant all those times you said you loved me, scared as I was to make an ass out of myself. We were on the same page, and I was elated. It was cold that morning, and I had the day off of work. It was the first time I had had the entire week of the holiday off. I was sitting on the phone talking of God and life and everything in between, lying down on the couch under a big blanket because I just liked it that way.
I felt like a little kid, a giddy little boy with braces and zits and blah blah blah.
I was elated, you know?

Anyway... I wonder, ya know, if you come by and check up. Not that it matters I guess. It's not like I could go back even if I wanted to, even if you wanted to. Now is really not the time... if ever.

This year, I lost my future. I lost the most beautiful thing in the world, I did...
but there is always something to be thankful for, yes? I got to hold that most beautiful gift in my arms in the most beautiful city I have ever seen. I have learned this and that, and when I did have that gift, I had never sought God so fervently. That might be telling of my function I suppose... my shortcoming. I've fallen apart ever since, and it is only in the last month or two that I have been able to direct this emotion or this whatever in such a way that I have never put so much into my work as I have now. It keeps me occupied, and it relaxes me. I am not even a quarter of the man I once was, but hopefully I'll get there again. My integrity is not what it was, but the distaste of sitting and dwelling on all the things you left unsaid have driven me to just want to do something else that completely requires my focus and attention. For this I am somewhat grateful, I am.

I do miss you... the oooo baby!... the Holla back shawty!... the peace signs... the ridiculous faces... your dry skin that I could kiss and touch for hours upon hours... your silly little grin and the way your eyes would look up into the corner when you got a little embarrassed... your funny little fist that you would shake... all of your absolute cheesiness. My God, you're cheesy and it was the cutest thing I say.
Oh, and how so very very very much do I miss you reading me passages from your books or sharing the Scriptures that you had read and what God had really showed you.
I loved helping you by text to get big K to eat when she refused because she had this idea of not wanting to get fat. I loved when the little guy would shout Waaalll or Dat dat dat dat dat dat dat.. boom boom boom... even those great big raaaawwrrrs. I'm sure I have said this before, a million times over, but I fell in love with them as I fell in love with you. That's what you asked of me, and that's what I did. That may have been the most difficult part, losing them... these beautiful little gifts when I had already grown to love them so greatly in preparation for what was said to be coming. That was at least half of the pain, but that's a different issue I suppose.

Holes in the knees of your pants, walking through sopping wet grass in canvas shoes on a cold day... so silly, girl... Let me carry you over the puddles again.

Liar

I know that things are broken,
An' though there's too many words left unsaid.
You say you have spoken,
Like the coward I am, I hang my head.
You lie careless your head on my chest,
An' don't even look at me looking my best.
All these things I can't describe,
You would rather I didn't try.

But please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!

You lean in for your last kiss,
Who in this world could ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck,
Oh this love that I've found, I detest.

I wonder what you were thinking when you closed your eyes at times like these.
I wonder what you were thinking when you fell asleep in my arms at night and woke next to me in the morning.
I would have liked to lounge around the one night, late in Forsyth park, for a little longer there in the dark sitting on the bench.
That was a good night.

Again, you come up at dinner with curiosity.
You still blow my mind, sweetheart. </3

You have changed the way I see this world.
You have changed how I interact with the ones I am closest too.
I am a mess, dear, but I am never unaware of the fact that I let you change me.

I am a little afraid for the first time, and I'm not sure exactly why or what it is that I am afraid of.

I do not understand.

Cheesiest girl ever... and I loved it more than you'll ever know.

People still ask about you.
Yesterday when I was asked, I had to count the months. I guess that's a good thing, the fact that I no longer know off the top of my head. The days have turned to weeks have turned to months. I didn't know how to respond to most of the questions with anything other than an "I don't know. I really have no idea." [what had happened... where it all went... How?]

Just a year ago I was falling crown over sole for you.
You were moving me in nice and easy; it was little effort for you, and it wasn't so hard for me to love you either. My heart was broken for you. I gave you full access to this cold hard chest of mine and this time '09 you started doing surgery, cutting deeply and providing me warmth from the inside. I was hopeful and I looked only forward, right into those eyes as they turned from kelly to cornflower.

You blew my mind, sweetheart.
You had me; you had me.

I really do wonder if someone will ever take me away like you did. I really wonder if I'll ever want to be such a man again.
Really... but I guess it's a silly question seeing as I'm only going to be 24 next week. It's kind of hard to imagine being so focused again. It's hard to imagine being so absolutely honest again without fear.
I risked my dignity only to give love a chance.
I feel sick.

I dreamt of you again.
It's been a while, other than that one a few days ago that I really couldn't remember much anything of. This one was relentless, slow, and dragging. It was not as climactic and dramatic as the others, but it slowly rose to its boiling point at the very end. It devastated me again. It pulled me and it had hope poke its head out of this dark hole and stare me in the eye for a second... just a second. It took me away again to a place where the air is cold and the skin is warm. It picked me up; it made my heart race. Then my heart stopped as it dropped me, thrust me toward the ground.

I feel like perhaps I've put your shoes on as I have begun walking this current mile. I wonder if this is how you felt. If it is, I guess I understand you a little more. This is like a not so fun game of musical chairs. No one has pulled any chairs just yet, but we sure are switching places.

I go from this dream to other worries tonight, and it has to be the worst segway ever. I had to stop talking, stop thinking to keep from tears. It's wild how something so stupid, trivial, inanimate like a damn shaved ice can keep me occupied for just long enough to regain some composure, some posture. I feel a litle pathetic for this one.

I've got a few empty things in my hands right now, and it's ironic how these vessels weigh the most when they are devoid of their respective substances.

I am tired, and I am weak.
I am overwhelmed at the moment, and this is foreign.

Let's stand up straight. Head on, here we go.
I love you.
Lord, give me grace.
Give me grace.

Arrival

I'll never forget that day.

That was the longest and highest escalator I have ever seen, and it just seemed like it went on forever. For that day it was my little motorized stairway to heaven. I wasn't even sure if you were around yet. I got to the top and walked forward slowly with my peripheral vision, all the while looking down at my phone. I put it away, looked up, and walked more intently with my head up. I saw restroom signs and just beneath them, behind those stanchions, I saw many people. I didn't figure you to be there just yet, but then I felt someone looking and noticed this baby blue beautiful moving about through the crowd. Your face showed a disbelief, a latent excitement, and, as was there so often, that unsureness of self.
You were so nervoues; I only saw your eyes meet mine for just a very quick second before I hugged and kissed you. I picked you up and squeezed you so tight, just elated while my throat closed up a little and it became harder to breathe. I couldn't believe how small and dainty you were. I loved it. I loved you.
You misdirected me nervously to the wrong area for my luggage so we sat there for about five minutes as we watched the same 3 or 4 oversized bags revolve around on a silver belt. This sweet older lady directed us in the right direction after we stood there long enough. All the while you pushed your hands deep into the large pocket in front of your hoodie; you pulled out your phone and flipped it open and closed. You would not even look me in the eye, but you stood beside me as tall as you possibly could with your fingers tangled in mine. I still sometimes smile at the thought of your little crooked fingers in my hand when I am alone. You were so worried, so unsure, apparently in disbelief that I was actually there. You complained of your dry skin, and your flakey hair, but I paid it all no attention. I thought you looked beautiful, and it lit my face up. My heart beat more deliberately; my breathing was slower, steadier, and I too was close to disbelief. I squeezed your little hand as we waited for my bag, pulled you a little closer and kissed you on the cheek several times before it made its way around.

Tonight is not a good night.
I am sad, and I am so aware of how much I miss you. I wonder if I'll ever speak to you again. I wonder if I could compose myself if I ever had the chance.
I loved you so extravagantly and recklessly, and I do love you, sweetheart.
I do not know how to not love you, so I do. I break at the fact that I will never have the opportunity to live out a life that speaks to you each and every day in a way that brings your life value and a recognition that you don't have to do anything to erase your past in order to be loved truly and genuinely. I loved you after I knew what I was getting myself into with hope and faith that God would build you and change your heart as you would allow Him... I guess it never came, that allowance. I guess I'll never be so fulfilled in the way I hoped for with all of my terrible heart... I guess not.

Good night, french fry.

I wonder what you wonder.
I wonder of your wonder.
I wonder what was.
I wonder what is.
I wonder what will become.
I wonder of this wonderful mess I have made.
I wonder what a terrible wonder.
I wonder; I wonder.

Dear

I wonder what has become of you.
I doubt anyone knows because it seems that no one, including yourself, has really known for quite some time.

You were my best friend.
Even Karina hadn't got that close.
I really did give you all I had, and I'm having a hard time finding it all on my own again.
I never trusted like I did you.
I hope I can do it again; I hope I am not entirely walled off and afraid.

You were my best friend.
... and now I do not even know you.
My heart still breaks when I see picture of your beautiful babies, but that's all.
Your pictures are like windows with views of nothing but flat and endless horizons.

My heart breaks for them more than for anything.
I wonder how much she will follow your pattern.
I pray God graces her with a personal encounter somehow or another before she gets there because you know better than any one of us what a terrible terrible path you've walked along.
That's the worst part of it all: You refuse to be honest about where you've been and what you've done. You rob yourself of a strong-built character because of dishonesty, shame, and pride. Those three bound together are not easily cut down, but surely it is possible. You put on this smile made of veneers and shine bright for everyone around you to see, but they don't see a damn thing, do they?

I hope my judgement has gone completely haywire in this, or simply that you've changed considerably in the past few months. I'm not so optimistic though...
but it's all for the sake of your beautiful little ones, and I couldn't possibly throw away all hope if they are considered.

God curse this cycle.
God bless you.
I love you, sweetheart.
I swear I do.

Tonight I miss having you...
if I ever really did have you.

Anything we gain by deceit isn't really ours at all, so I guess I had you, but perhaps you did not have me.
Silly it sounds because you had it all, I gave it all, only in your mind you knew what was left unsaid and only you really knew what wall you kept between us.

Not only do I miss you.
Not only do I miss your gorgeous little ones.
I miss the man I was, the man I had become.
He seems to be all but entirely absent today..