Arrival

I'll never forget that day.

That was the longest and highest escalator I have ever seen, and it just seemed like it went on forever. For that day it was my little motorized stairway to heaven. I wasn't even sure if you were around yet. I got to the top and walked forward slowly with my peripheral vision, all the while looking down at my phone. I put it away, looked up, and walked more intently with my head up. I saw restroom signs and just beneath them, behind those stanchions, I saw many people. I didn't figure you to be there just yet, but then I felt someone looking and noticed this baby blue beautiful moving about through the crowd. Your face showed a disbelief, a latent excitement, and, as was there so often, that unsureness of self.
You were so nervoues; I only saw your eyes meet mine for just a very quick second before I hugged and kissed you. I picked you up and squeezed you so tight, just elated while my throat closed up a little and it became harder to breathe. I couldn't believe how small and dainty you were. I loved it. I loved you.
You misdirected me nervously to the wrong area for my luggage so we sat there for about five minutes as we watched the same 3 or 4 oversized bags revolve around on a silver belt. This sweet older lady directed us in the right direction after we stood there long enough. All the while you pushed your hands deep into the large pocket in front of your hoodie; you pulled out your phone and flipped it open and closed. You would not even look me in the eye, but you stood beside me as tall as you possibly could with your fingers tangled in mine. I still sometimes smile at the thought of your little crooked fingers in my hand when I am alone. You were so worried, so unsure, apparently in disbelief that I was actually there. You complained of your dry skin, and your flakey hair, but I paid it all no attention. I thought you looked beautiful, and it lit my face up. My heart beat more deliberately; my breathing was slower, steadier, and I too was close to disbelief. I squeezed your little hand as we waited for my bag, pulled you a little closer and kissed you on the cheek several times before it made its way around.

Tonight is not a good night.
I am sad, and I am so aware of how much I miss you. I wonder if I'll ever speak to you again. I wonder if I could compose myself if I ever had the chance.
I loved you so extravagantly and recklessly, and I do love you, sweetheart.
I do not know how to not love you, so I do. I break at the fact that I will never have the opportunity to live out a life that speaks to you each and every day in a way that brings your life value and a recognition that you don't have to do anything to erase your past in order to be loved truly and genuinely. I loved you after I knew what I was getting myself into with hope and faith that God would build you and change your heart as you would allow Him... I guess it never came, that allowance. I guess I'll never be so fulfilled in the way I hoped for with all of my terrible heart... I guess not.

Good night, french fry.