Say Hi to Daddy...

Sweetheart, I dreamt of you just the other day.
I've been having very vivid dreams, so lively.

Anyway... I was in Target, the one in Cypress, with my buddy James and another fella who I can no longer remember picking up a gift for someone's birthday. I was walking through and past the men's section to the back of the store, and there you were.
Even now as I recall days later, it's fresh and alive as can be; it's rough.
Dressed in your red and khaki with your little name tag. We stopped and just kind of stared at each other for a moment or two before I reached out to hug you. Good Lord, my heart was racing racing racing. My breath was gone, but I squeezed a small exchange out. You said that you'd be around and that we'd see each other again after the boys walked away. I hugged you so damn tight with my cheek pressed into your neck. We parted just a bit, but I did not want to let you go. My hands slipped to your waist before I kissed you on the cheek. Another I gave, but this time I caught the corner of your mouth as you rested your hands on my arms gently. A quick turn of the head and looking at one another came before a true solid kiss. Oh your lips, your lips, I missed them...
We parted slowly and stepped back with eyes welling. We promised we'd see each other again.
Next thing I know, we're paying for our things. I'm last of the three, and as the cashier begins to ring me up, there you are again. Beautiful little Kait and Kaleb at your side. They've gotten so big I thought. I think this time, seeing the babies, was even heavier for me. My legs were gone and the air was knocked out of me. There you are with the baby in your hands, holding her up to me and saying, "Say hi to your daddy." Ooomph. I couldn't hold her, so we all walked over to a table in the snack area while the fellas walked to the car. Even now this is a difficult recollection to live through...
I kissed Big K, little K... how beautiful beautiful beautiful they were.
I took your beautiful little face in my hands, grazing my fingertips over your cheek and behind your ear... stroking the skin softly with my thumb.
I had to go, but yes yes, we will see each other again. I missed you, sweetheart, and I love you more than life itself. I have to go.
I ran outside fearing I'd been left behind, all the while looking back at you looking back at me through the storefront with these beautiful little children at your side... waving those small precious hands back and forth.
Today I see this in slow motion, and it is a dreadfully heartbreaking thing to see. I caught the car as they were pulling away, and away we went... waking me from my sleep.

Thinking of it now, it is more dificult than when I had first lived it.
I looked at your picture today, and I saw very clearly again your face in my mind.
I saw the long upper lip that hung with supple beauty when you stared at me in the dim light. I cannot shake that scene, my dear; your stare, the way you stared, just burned a hole straight through my soul, and I do not imagine forgetting it. It was dark there, and the blue light from the overcast day peeked through the curtains just enough for me to focus on your sublime face and the stare, oh this stare, that you branded me with. Your hand rested on my cheek, o' how I loved that feeling of your tiny little hand against my face, and you craned your neck just a bit. Your beautiful little face and those gems for eyes looked up at me framed by your splayed out hair, framed by a soft, fluffy white pillow. I laid there on top of you, legs wrapped around me, so absolutely astonished by this gaze in your eye. I had never ever seen such a thing, and to this day I don't imagine seeing much anything else close to it.

I suppose it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but when I recall these images and these touches of you, I still fall apart a good bit. I have never had such a wonderful little gift... never ever, and never did I think it would be taken from me like it was.

God help me.

I order a pizza online from Pizza Hut, and even this reminds me of you.
I hope it tasted good. I hope it filled your little stomach when you needed it.

If

You know, more than anything I'd like to get into your head for just a little while and see if I can make some sort of order out of the mess that was.
I write this blog for myself, before you even came along, but I wonder if you sometimes come and have a peek... and further, I wonder what you think if you do.
You've always been the curious kind; you're a vault of secrets to boot.
I like to think that I was a good bit different than most of your interests or whatever you want to call them... maybe I'm just full of myself.
I do believe I was different, undoubtedly, but I think despite the way you've done away with me like something perishable that's been in the fridge for a year, you saw me a little different too. Who knows... I probably never will.
Exactly one year ago, I asked what you really meant all those times you said you loved me, scared as I was to make an ass out of myself. We were on the same page, and I was elated. It was cold that morning, and I had the day off of work. It was the first time I had had the entire week of the holiday off. I was sitting on the phone talking of God and life and everything in between, lying down on the couch under a big blanket because I just liked it that way.
I felt like a little kid, a giddy little boy with braces and zits and blah blah blah.
I was elated, you know?

Anyway... I wonder, ya know, if you come by and check up. Not that it matters I guess. It's not like I could go back even if I wanted to, even if you wanted to. Now is really not the time... if ever.

This year, I lost my future. I lost the most beautiful thing in the world, I did...
but there is always something to be thankful for, yes? I got to hold that most beautiful gift in my arms in the most beautiful city I have ever seen. I have learned this and that, and when I did have that gift, I had never sought God so fervently. That might be telling of my function I suppose... my shortcoming. I've fallen apart ever since, and it is only in the last month or two that I have been able to direct this emotion or this whatever in such a way that I have never put so much into my work as I have now. It keeps me occupied, and it relaxes me. I am not even a quarter of the man I once was, but hopefully I'll get there again. My integrity is not what it was, but the distaste of sitting and dwelling on all the things you left unsaid have driven me to just want to do something else that completely requires my focus and attention. For this I am somewhat grateful, I am.

I do miss you... the oooo baby!... the Holla back shawty!... the peace signs... the ridiculous faces... your dry skin that I could kiss and touch for hours upon hours... your silly little grin and the way your eyes would look up into the corner when you got a little embarrassed... your funny little fist that you would shake... all of your absolute cheesiness. My God, you're cheesy and it was the cutest thing I say.
Oh, and how so very very very much do I miss you reading me passages from your books or sharing the Scriptures that you had read and what God had really showed you.
I loved helping you by text to get big K to eat when she refused because she had this idea of not wanting to get fat. I loved when the little guy would shout Waaalll or Dat dat dat dat dat dat dat.. boom boom boom... even those great big raaaawwrrrs. I'm sure I have said this before, a million times over, but I fell in love with them as I fell in love with you. That's what you asked of me, and that's what I did. That may have been the most difficult part, losing them... these beautiful little gifts when I had already grown to love them so greatly in preparation for what was said to be coming. That was at least half of the pain, but that's a different issue I suppose.

Holes in the knees of your pants, walking through sopping wet grass in canvas shoes on a cold day... so silly, girl... Let me carry you over the puddles again.

Liar

I know that things are broken,
An' though there's too many words left unsaid.
You say you have spoken,
Like the coward I am, I hang my head.
You lie careless your head on my chest,
An' don't even look at me looking my best.
All these things I can't describe,
You would rather I didn't try.

But please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!

You lean in for your last kiss,
Who in this world could ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck,
Oh this love that I've found, I detest.

I wonder what you were thinking when you closed your eyes at times like these.
I wonder what you were thinking when you fell asleep in my arms at night and woke next to me in the morning.
I would have liked to lounge around the one night, late in Forsyth park, for a little longer there in the dark sitting on the bench.
That was a good night.

Again, you come up at dinner with curiosity.
You still blow my mind, sweetheart. </3

You have changed the way I see this world.
You have changed how I interact with the ones I am closest too.
I am a mess, dear, but I am never unaware of the fact that I let you change me.

I am a little afraid for the first time, and I'm not sure exactly why or what it is that I am afraid of.

I do not understand.

Cheesiest girl ever... and I loved it more than you'll ever know.

People still ask about you.
Yesterday when I was asked, I had to count the months. I guess that's a good thing, the fact that I no longer know off the top of my head. The days have turned to weeks have turned to months. I didn't know how to respond to most of the questions with anything other than an "I don't know. I really have no idea." [what had happened... where it all went... How?]

Just a year ago I was falling crown over sole for you.
You were moving me in nice and easy; it was little effort for you, and it wasn't so hard for me to love you either. My heart was broken for you. I gave you full access to this cold hard chest of mine and this time '09 you started doing surgery, cutting deeply and providing me warmth from the inside. I was hopeful and I looked only forward, right into those eyes as they turned from kelly to cornflower.

You blew my mind, sweetheart.
You had me; you had me.

I really do wonder if someone will ever take me away like you did. I really wonder if I'll ever want to be such a man again.
Really... but I guess it's a silly question seeing as I'm only going to be 24 next week. It's kind of hard to imagine being so focused again. It's hard to imagine being so absolutely honest again without fear.
I risked my dignity only to give love a chance.
I feel sick.

I dreamt of you again.
It's been a while, other than that one a few days ago that I really couldn't remember much anything of. This one was relentless, slow, and dragging. It was not as climactic and dramatic as the others, but it slowly rose to its boiling point at the very end. It devastated me again. It pulled me and it had hope poke its head out of this dark hole and stare me in the eye for a second... just a second. It took me away again to a place where the air is cold and the skin is warm. It picked me up; it made my heart race. Then my heart stopped as it dropped me, thrust me toward the ground.

I feel like perhaps I've put your shoes on as I have begun walking this current mile. I wonder if this is how you felt. If it is, I guess I understand you a little more. This is like a not so fun game of musical chairs. No one has pulled any chairs just yet, but we sure are switching places.

I go from this dream to other worries tonight, and it has to be the worst segway ever. I had to stop talking, stop thinking to keep from tears. It's wild how something so stupid, trivial, inanimate like a damn shaved ice can keep me occupied for just long enough to regain some composure, some posture. I feel a litle pathetic for this one.

I've got a few empty things in my hands right now, and it's ironic how these vessels weigh the most when they are devoid of their respective substances.

I am tired, and I am weak.
I am overwhelmed at the moment, and this is foreign.

Let's stand up straight. Head on, here we go.
I love you.
Lord, give me grace.
Give me grace.

Dear

I wonder what has become of you.
I doubt anyone knows because it seems that no one, including yourself, has really known for quite some time.

You were my best friend.
Even Karina hadn't got that close.
I really did give you all I had, and I'm having a hard time finding it all on my own again.
I never trusted like I did you.
I hope I can do it again; I hope I am not entirely walled off and afraid.

You were my best friend.
... and now I do not even know you.
My heart still breaks when I see picture of your beautiful babies, but that's all.
Your pictures are like windows with views of nothing but flat and endless horizons.

My heart breaks for them more than for anything.
I wonder how much she will follow your pattern.
I pray God graces her with a personal encounter somehow or another before she gets there because you know better than any one of us what a terrible terrible path you've walked along.
That's the worst part of it all: You refuse to be honest about where you've been and what you've done. You rob yourself of a strong-built character because of dishonesty, shame, and pride. Those three bound together are not easily cut down, but surely it is possible. You put on this smile made of veneers and shine bright for everyone around you to see, but they don't see a damn thing, do they?

I hope my judgement has gone completely haywire in this, or simply that you've changed considerably in the past few months. I'm not so optimistic though...
but it's all for the sake of your beautiful little ones, and I couldn't possibly throw away all hope if they are considered.

God curse this cycle.
God bless you.
I love you, sweetheart.
I swear I do.

Tonight I miss having you...
if I ever really did have you.

Anything we gain by deceit isn't really ours at all, so I guess I had you, but perhaps you did not have me.
Silly it sounds because you had it all, I gave it all, only in your mind you knew what was left unsaid and only you really knew what wall you kept between us.

Not only do I miss you.
Not only do I miss your gorgeous little ones.
I miss the man I was, the man I had become.
He seems to be all but entirely absent today..

I miss having you shake your little fist at me...

Tonight I saw you again with your head on your pillow.
Your blue eyes broke me, but I kept a straight face.
Your blanket covered your beautiful skin again.
You bundled yourself up so adorably and everything just came right back.
It was Novemeber.. December.. all over again.
The difference is that the weather isn't as cold, but my heart is much colder.

I am not okay at this point.
I am bummed out. (euphemism)
I do stuff I enjoy; I do things to keep myself occupied.
I am doing my best to take all of this emotion and confusion and whatever else is left behind, and I am trying to burn it up in new efforts and endeavors.
... but I just get bummed out because you aren't there anymore to share it all with.

I've been told I'll be okay.
I'll be okay.
I guess.

I am still at an utter loss.

I'd have done anything to get you that wraparound porch.
Screw Orange County...
Screw this place.
I would have loved to grow old somewhere where there were no street lights and the Spanish moss hung low over our heads...
I gave you all of it, everything...
and I have nothing left.