I do not understand...

I had this terrible dream about you. I see these silly actions as I sleep, and it scares me because the last time I had a dream like that, it turned out to be kind of prophetic in a literal and slightly metaphorical way. I'm scared, and I am heartbroken. I've been up for a few hours and the dream is still wearing on me. I'm already drained, and I've been near tears.

I'm sitting here at Chik-fil-a and I'm in Orange freaking county... I overhear some lady who says she's from Atlanta, and apparently the manager working here went to Kennesaw... and this damn Needtobreathe song comes on the f'ng radio.

I talked about you yesterday. Someone asked me if I missed you. I told her sometimes... Honestly, sometimes the thought of you coming back overwhelms me and makes me nervous. I really wouldn't know what to do. Whenever someone asks what happened, I have no answer because I don't even know...

Friday night I sat and talked of you for a good hour. I almost made my friend cry a few times, and I don't really know why. We talked about a lot... She says my face lit up so bright when we talked about little and big K. We talked about my insecurities of being a future father and how once I got over it and began to prepare myself for that position... once I stopped being afraid to love, the opportunity that had been presented me was ripped from my hands. We talked about how insecure that made me further. We talked about how much it hurt to think I was trusted and chosen to such a honorable place in some precious and beautiful children's lives and to have it disappear overnight... the dainty little hands that asked and hoped for me to be this man were the same ones to tear those lovely little dreams away, and that was the most devastating part of it all. I've been afraid lately. I have been cynical and cold... pushing myself away from even some of my best friends who have been there for me in my walk with Christ... my walk of life.
My friend asked me if I would ever take you back if you decided so, and I couldn't answer the question. I almost cried at the thought. Whether it was, hope, happiness, or disappointment I do not know. It was probably some very strong mix of them all.

I've kind of been a mess...
I've asked myself if integrity even matters...
God help me, save me, when I ask such questions...
You've upended me sweetheart.
I'm on my head.

Why are you still here?
I don't really want you to go, but I don't really want you to stay either.
I do not understand.

110 Pounds

Remember when you said I had soft feet? lol
That was a first for me.
Just as you loved the lines in my forehead, I loved the lines in your cheeks when you smiled...
smile big, smile awkward, smile embarrassed, just smile; I loved every little line and crease.

I remember going through security on my way home, after sitting around for a few hours... hoping you could make it back, but your mom's house was locked. It didn't happen. As I was having my bag rifled through just before getting into the terminal, the ladies asked about what I was doing in Atlanta... We were there for a few minutes, so I got to share a lot about you. They thought it was all pretty sweet... noted about how nice Savannah was in agreement... wished me a whole bunch of luck with some warm smiles, and I remember how proud I was to call you mine. I remember how excited I was to tell others about you and how much I loved you... how much you meant to me - I had the world, remember? So did you...

It's wild, it is, the way things were and the way things are... It still blows my mind. It befuddles me, and that leaves me exhausted like nothing else does...

I was one more thought away from breaking down in a public restaurant in front of my little brother at dinner tonight.
It's gotten to the point, once again, where my shoulders physically ache...

Multiply...

It gets harder and harder every day.
The weight is not added, but multiplied...
not by two, but by ten, twenty and one hundred...
You are too precious.
You are too beautiful.
You must quit so you can persevere.
You have to jump off of this sinking ship to find serenity in this ocean of love.
If you keep giving of yourself like this, what will be left for me?
You have to let go of this so you might grab God's hand...
So do it...