110 Pounds

Remember when you said I had soft feet? lol
That was a first for me.
Just as you loved the lines in my forehead, I loved the lines in your cheeks when you smiled...
smile big, smile awkward, smile embarrassed, just smile; I loved every little line and crease.

I remember going through security on my way home, after sitting around for a few hours... hoping you could make it back, but your mom's house was locked. It didn't happen. As I was having my bag rifled through just before getting into the terminal, the ladies asked about what I was doing in Atlanta... We were there for a few minutes, so I got to share a lot about you. They thought it was all pretty sweet... noted about how nice Savannah was in agreement... wished me a whole bunch of luck with some warm smiles, and I remember how proud I was to call you mine. I remember how excited I was to tell others about you and how much I loved you... how much you meant to me - I had the world, remember? So did you...

It's wild, it is, the way things were and the way things are... It still blows my mind. It befuddles me, and that leaves me exhausted like nothing else does...

I was one more thought away from breaking down in a public restaurant in front of my little brother at dinner tonight.
It's gotten to the point, once again, where my shoulders physically ache...

Multiply...

It gets harder and harder every day.
The weight is not added, but multiplied...
not by two, but by ten, twenty and one hundred...
You are too precious.
You are too beautiful.
You must quit so you can persevere.
You have to jump off of this sinking ship to find serenity in this ocean of love.
If you keep giving of yourself like this, what will be left for me?
You have to let go of this so you might grab God's hand...
So do it...

If...

The anxiety is piling on and it's only day one.
I've got no outlet tonight... of all nights.
I am tired and my shoulders are killing me.
My blood pressure is on the fritz lately, and I'm praying it's just because of salty foods. I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow and follow up on that and on the bronchitis I had. This is no good.
I could really go for a talk with you tonight... I really could.
This might be the most difficult night for me yet.
I never need support because I am strong and sturdy, but tonight I do. Unfortunately, tonight I cannot have you. Tonight, like other nights, you are not mine.
I am sad. Yes, me, Raul... I am sad.
Maybe I'll go and cry it out or something, this whole anxiety thing and the mine/not mine thing; toss off the tough guy for a little while and just break.
I'm not used to this. These feelings of weakness are foreign.
There you are, but not for me.
My stomach turns.
Yes, this is the most difficult night yet. This is not an easy fight.

Dun Dun Dun

First post; first thoughts:

Yet another site to keep up with because, you know, the internet doesn't ruin my efforts to get better at managing my time as it is.
Hey, at least I have another place to post my pictures.
I need to get some rest; this semester is going to be rough.