Hot Pursuit

The greatest doubt I have has always been in myself.
Am I good enough for this or that?
Without a doubt this girl will tire of me, and why wouldn't she?
Surely, God's grace will run dry with such a character like mine.
These are the bits of me that still fly away and back...
flailing in the wind.
I have no issue giving love... giving to the point that some would even say I'm taken advantage of or I'm stupid and gullible... blinded by this reason or that.
Honestly, I still ask myself once in a while if it is a genuine selfless, Agape Love or if it is my former, unhealthy inclination. Can the same action be righted or wronged simply with a new frame of mind? Surely, bad intentions and underlying, selfish motives can poison a pure well, but can this mustard seed-sized drop of faith cleanse the filthiest cesspool?
The issue at hand is accepting love and, to this very day, being confused by what love necessarily is. That is of course to say that God is Love. I get that... and in that, I understand that this is why I have such a hard time getting close to God... and staying there.
The good things that come from me are the things of God in me. I'm a wretched thing when I am an empty vessel or when poison is what fills me.
I am only capable of good things, of loving someone unconditionally by the grace grace grace of God.
I have come to this conclusion that the same must be true for others as well.
In turn, I have a difficult time handing over my trust to people who aren't connected to God. People who put even just one thing, family included, before God have no shot at earning 100% of my trust. Am I simply a coward who raises this unrealistic standard so that I never have to give out my trust and never suffer a wound? Nothing surprises me. Like Solomon said, there's nothing new under the sun. What's happening has happened a million times before, and it's going to happen another million after you've withered away. I've always seen this pursuit of God as the most important thing in the world. It has never been something to be trifled with, not picking and choosing your steps, but allowing God to pick each and every one even if those steps were so absolutely terrifying... in fact, more so at these times is it necessary to simply step and step hard.
Have you ever accidentally walked off a curb? Have you ever miscounted the steps you are climbing or descending and taken a misstep that knocked you off balance?
That's the kind of commitment I mean. That's the necessary devotion.
Right? Isn't that what it takes?
Can we ever say that living a God-filled life is not a priority?
I mean to have understanding of so many things, if not every thing, but there are those instances in which I come to the conclusion that there really is no understanding when you mean to say that understanding something is to find real sense or logic in that said something.
I understand the motives and the mindset behind this or that.
I understand why I do what I do, completely and thoroughly.
... but I don't understand.

I go after God, and my vision gets clear again. My vision changes... it is renewed.
I eagerly open these new eyes of mine, nice and wide, bright, and then all this confusion sets in. This feeling of distress, not for myself but for others.
I sometimes frown at the fact that God has given us a free will. I get it, and it makes all the sense, but boy do I wish we'd have never been foolish in the first place. I hate that my body and my mind are these playgrounds somewhere in the middle, on this earth, that have their own urges and their own ridiculous conclusions that they come to by this collection of information by way of a mail carrier in disarray... packages and letters falling this way and that out of his bag. Crumpled envelopes and battered boxes.

I can't believe people have gone for so long behind the guise of such a wonderful God, teaching nonsense and filling minds with dust. It makes no sense to me, but I understand.
I do not understand.


Poor King Solomon...
Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain. - Ecc 1:18

Maybe I do not want to understand after all, but I wonder where this would leave me...