If

You know, more than anything I'd like to get into your head for just a little while and see if I can make some sort of order out of the mess that was.
I write this blog for myself, before you even came along, but I wonder if you sometimes come and have a peek... and further, I wonder what you think if you do.
You've always been the curious kind; you're a vault of secrets to boot.
I like to think that I was a good bit different than most of your interests or whatever you want to call them... maybe I'm just full of myself.
I do believe I was different, undoubtedly, but I think despite the way you've done away with me like something perishable that's been in the fridge for a year, you saw me a little different too. Who knows... I probably never will.
Exactly one year ago, I asked what you really meant all those times you said you loved me, scared as I was to make an ass out of myself. We were on the same page, and I was elated. It was cold that morning, and I had the day off of work. It was the first time I had had the entire week of the holiday off. I was sitting on the phone talking of God and life and everything in between, lying down on the couch under a big blanket because I just liked it that way.
I felt like a little kid, a giddy little boy with braces and zits and blah blah blah.
I was elated, you know?

Anyway... I wonder, ya know, if you come by and check up. Not that it matters I guess. It's not like I could go back even if I wanted to, even if you wanted to. Now is really not the time... if ever.

This year, I lost my future. I lost the most beautiful thing in the world, I did...
but there is always something to be thankful for, yes? I got to hold that most beautiful gift in my arms in the most beautiful city I have ever seen. I have learned this and that, and when I did have that gift, I had never sought God so fervently. That might be telling of my function I suppose... my shortcoming. I've fallen apart ever since, and it is only in the last month or two that I have been able to direct this emotion or this whatever in such a way that I have never put so much into my work as I have now. It keeps me occupied, and it relaxes me. I am not even a quarter of the man I once was, but hopefully I'll get there again. My integrity is not what it was, but the distaste of sitting and dwelling on all the things you left unsaid have driven me to just want to do something else that completely requires my focus and attention. For this I am somewhat grateful, I am.

I do miss you... the oooo baby!... the Holla back shawty!... the peace signs... the ridiculous faces... your dry skin that I could kiss and touch for hours upon hours... your silly little grin and the way your eyes would look up into the corner when you got a little embarrassed... your funny little fist that you would shake... all of your absolute cheesiness. My God, you're cheesy and it was the cutest thing I say.
Oh, and how so very very very much do I miss you reading me passages from your books or sharing the Scriptures that you had read and what God had really showed you.
I loved helping you by text to get big K to eat when she refused because she had this idea of not wanting to get fat. I loved when the little guy would shout Waaalll or Dat dat dat dat dat dat dat.. boom boom boom... even those great big raaaawwrrrs. I'm sure I have said this before, a million times over, but I fell in love with them as I fell in love with you. That's what you asked of me, and that's what I did. That may have been the most difficult part, losing them... these beautiful little gifts when I had already grown to love them so greatly in preparation for what was said to be coming. That was at least half of the pain, but that's a different issue I suppose.

Holes in the knees of your pants, walking through sopping wet grass in canvas shoes on a cold day... so silly, girl... Let me carry you over the puddles again.

We're almost through here.

Liar

I know that things are broken,
An' though there's too many words left unsaid.
You say you have spoken,
Like the coward I am, I hang my head.
You lie careless your head on my chest,
An' don't even look at me looking my best.
All these things I can't describe,
You would rather I didn't try.

But please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!

You lean in for your last kiss,
Who in this world could ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck,
Oh this love that I've found, I detest.

Wow.
You don't f'ng say.
I'm laughing a little here... Oh boy, that says something.
My hands are a little shaky. My shoulders feel like they're on fire.
I've got all sorts of questions right now.

Good Lord, I'm laughing.
Wow.

I'm speechless I guess.
I wonder wonder wonder...
I'm a little alleviated at the same time I suppose, but oh my goodness.
lol... Wow.

Every line seems to be broken up by a chuckle and a wow... maybe a deep breath.
I can't even articulate what's going through my head right now, but the dust is bound to settle.

Wow... lol

Bullsh** self revelation.
Repeat my freaking words like they're your own.
lol... wow.

This is a terribly vicious cycle.

I have to go back.