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I really do miss you...

You Are No Potter

All I can do is sit back and watch.
Observe.
O' wisdom, let your cry rise up even further.

Hot Pursuit

The greatest doubt I have has always been in myself.
Am I good enough for this or that?
Without a doubt this girl will tire of me, and why wouldn't she?
Surely, God's grace will run dry with such a character like mine.
These are the bits of me that still fly away and back...
flailing in the wind.
I have no issue giving love... giving to the point that some would even say I'm taken advantage of or I'm stupid and gullible... blinded by this reason or that.
Honestly, I still ask myself once in a while if it is a genuine selfless, Agape Love or if it is my former, unhealthy inclination. Can the same action be righted or wronged simply with a new frame of mind? Surely, bad intentions and underlying, selfish motives can poison a pure well, but can this mustard seed-sized drop of faith cleanse the filthiest cesspool?
The issue at hand is accepting love and, to this very day, being confused by what love necessarily is. That is of course to say that God is Love. I get that... and in that, I understand that this is why I have such a hard time getting close to God... and staying there.
The good things that come from me are the things of God in me. I'm a wretched thing when I am an empty vessel or when poison is what fills me.
I am only capable of good things, of loving someone unconditionally by the grace grace grace of God.
I have come to this conclusion that the same must be true for others as well.
In turn, I have a difficult time handing over my trust to people who aren't connected to God. People who put even just one thing, family included, before God have no shot at earning 100% of my trust. Am I simply a coward who raises this unrealistic standard so that I never have to give out my trust and never suffer a wound? Nothing surprises me. Like Solomon said, there's nothing new under the sun. What's happening has happened a million times before, and it's going to happen another million after you've withered away. I've always seen this pursuit of God as the most important thing in the world. It has never been something to be trifled with, not picking and choosing your steps, but allowing God to pick each and every one even if those steps were so absolutely terrifying... in fact, more so at these times is it necessary to simply step and step hard.
Have you ever accidentally walked off a curb? Have you ever miscounted the steps you are climbing or descending and taken a misstep that knocked you off balance?
That's the kind of commitment I mean. That's the necessary devotion.
Right? Isn't that what it takes?
Can we ever say that living a God-filled life is not a priority?
I mean to have understanding of so many things, if not every thing, but there are those instances in which I come to the conclusion that there really is no understanding when you mean to say that understanding something is to find real sense or logic in that said something.
I understand the motives and the mindset behind this or that.
I understand why I do what I do, completely and thoroughly.
... but I don't understand.

I go after God, and my vision gets clear again. My vision changes... it is renewed.
I eagerly open these new eyes of mine, nice and wide, bright, and then all this confusion sets in. This feeling of distress, not for myself but for others.
I sometimes frown at the fact that God has given us a free will. I get it, and it makes all the sense, but boy do I wish we'd have never been foolish in the first place. I hate that my body and my mind are these playgrounds somewhere in the middle, on this earth, that have their own urges and their own ridiculous conclusions that they come to by this collection of information by way of a mail carrier in disarray... packages and letters falling this way and that out of his bag. Crumpled envelopes and battered boxes.

I can't believe people have gone for so long behind the guise of such a wonderful God, teaching nonsense and filling minds with dust. It makes no sense to me, but I understand.
I do not understand.


Poor King Solomon...
Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain. - Ecc 1:18

Maybe I do not want to understand after all, but I wonder where this would leave me...

Two months...
It's only been two months?
It seems like it's been much longer.
Oh thank you, thank you, Lord. <3

Safe

Be safe.
Be safe.

I am not yet allowed to protect you and stand before you; take the grunt of the blows that come your way. I cannot yet keep you from walking near the curb while you stroll down the sidewalk.
The street I walk down is more than several streets down from yours.

So I need you to keep safe, keep safe.
For safe keeping.
I am built burly to serve a purpose of protection and standing guard, but I am left helpless still in this. I simply cannot put this broad frame to use as of yet, and that leaves me far from said purpose.
This is not easy for me.
I've found purpose in you... maybe not found it, but I'd like to think I helped you back to it. It was there all along, given by God some time ago... before I even was.
Here we are now though, stumbling upon it by the oddest path thinkable.
Here is your purpose again; have a good look at it.
You know, I'm looking myself, and dare I say that I see something in there for me too. Could that be possible? I'd love to think so.
You are a third the size with a heart three times the size of mine.
Get behind me, and we'll run hard. We'll run fast. We'll run until the end with this kind of combination. Power and finesse; loving and stern.

Keep safe, O beautiful, O beautiful.
Keep Safe.
For safe keeping.
I'll be back on your street soon; I will.
I love you.
... thank God for you.
I'll soon have something to protect and keep safe.
I won't worry about this new face or that one because if anything goes down, it's my life first to go in callous defense. Iron or ivory clad...

Just stand behind me and you won't see a thing.

... but for now, keep safe.
Keep safe.
For my safe keeping.
O Love. <3 <3 <3

Steadfast...

Today I am blown away.
I feel like throwing up.
I want to vomit.
The weight that I carried for some months has been lifted for over a month now, but today distrust will try to swallow me whole.
I have made up my mind on this matter beforehand, and this inclination remains.
I have not lost my logic and reason though, and so I must fearlessly face the question of whether or not I am the fool.
I do not believe that I am, but still this voice speaks to me.
I cannot say to whom it belongs.
Sound judgement is this you?
Former distrust that is devoid of love, is this you?
What is your name?
I am so disconnected and afraid that I am not capable of hearing He Who I wish to Be my True Master with clarity and decisiveness.
I have drifted far away it seems, though I know He is here.
I just wonder if He speaks to me; if so, what's He saying right now?

I like to think I've grown a bit, getting to know this real world with real problems.
It's not at all pretty, and I'm no longer surprised by men and women.
I'm pretty sure the majority of us have been marred in some way or another, and in turn we have done some of our own demolition. Because of this, we feel shame and guilt. It eats at us, and many times we must find an outlet for the pressure.
Some of us too, are simply built with thicker walls, better insulation and piping.
Some of us take these things to the grave if we can.
There is no doubt about it.

Jesus Christ. Is this God working in one of those ways?
Developing character by just shoving something like this in my face?
Is this how I learn my lesson? If only I had known, I would have given up my ignorance and haughty judgement long ago.
Good Lord, you blow my mind every single time.
Wow, God. What else can I do but freaking laugh?
I kind of like to think that you're laughing and that this was some kind of joke, some kind of fake scare, but you are quite serious about these things when it really comes down to it.
What else can I do but eat this huge piece of humble pie?
Please do not count it against me if I do so with the greatest scowl on my face.
... or does that defeat the purpose? What a lesson plan I got for this one.
Apparently there is no other way.

This is eating at me, but really I am eating away at myself in the end.
It is all in my head, right? True love can't be compared.
It is all in contrast; it is on the other end of the scale.
I suppose once I get that through my thick skull and just really leave all this pride and unjust disgust, then I'll be fine.
You make me laugh, O Jesus. Life sure is something else when you actually want to go places and do something meaningful.
Just leave me here in shambles for a second and come back to pick me up...
Again you win!
You freaking win, God.
God.

We all sit in these caves confined by our secrets and shame.
Here in the dark is where they seem so big.
Here in the dark they feed off of the very environment that is devoid of light.
If light comes in then they are exposed for what they truly are.
They are nothings in the light; they are meager and wispy.
The only weight they maintain is by the equally meaningless words of those others who sit and wallow in the darkness, refusing to open their eyes still after the light has become present.

This thought process is so complex and it possesses many heads, but I believe that elaboration is neither necessary nor possible...

Simply, aside from all of this, something that has nagged and gnawed at me is the fact that I need to reconnect with my God. I need to run after Him again, not fearing but trusting His plans, His Love and His Grace.
Today I hold onto this Word, hoping and praying that I do understand its meaning and that I am, with God's help, going to live it out.

By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil...
- Proverbs 16:6

Lord, fill me again.
Lord, please fill me again.
My mind is made up, and only you, Lord, can stop me.
... but you already knew that, right.

One month and growing. ;]