All this knowledge and supposed wisdom, but what's the point if I won't freaking apply it.
I obviously have so much ground to make up in pushing towards God because all the confidence I once had has been shot.

Hope for Remain

My heart is heavy heavy heavy with question upon question.
I hope it's all still there.
I hope your ears are still open.
I hope your heart is still open,
most importantly,
to the wonderful God Who has brought you here today.
I thought my words were coming from the same place they were months ago,
but yesterday you loved them
while today you despise them...
or so it seems.
So, I question myself and my source.
Am I poisoning the well?
I know I don't always talk so gracefully,
but I'm speaking the same thing.
I'm still sharing God's promises with you and the revelation He's shared with me.
I hope you realize that these are my most prized possessions.
They are of far greater value than a few pizzas,
a few coats,
a couple hundred dollars,
or a plane ticket.
God's wisdom is the greatest gift I can share with you,
so please understand when I am puzzled and I have all sorts of inquiries about why it has such a bad taste these days.
I know you are tired.
I know you are busy,
but do not forget your God.
You can never be too busy to make time for Him;
I tell you the truth.
Remember how Jesus would go pray just before His death and the disciples would fall asleep? Jesus never let them sleep when this happened; He woke them up as soon as He saw them and told them to not grow weary. God is our rest and our reserve of strength. It is by Him that we persevere and do not grow tired, mentally, physically and spiritually.
I love you, and I am imperfect in that. I really do try, and I really like to think that God's helped me a whole bunch in the past few beautiful months of my life. I still fudge things up a bunch though, I know. I'm not perfect, but it's no excuse.
I will try harder; I will seek God more fervently, and I will share with you what I find.
I only pray pray pray... like I did this morning up at the altar... that your heart stays open to He Who does love you perfectly.
Remember that I am an imperfect vessel, a work in progress just like you.
I am not always going to reflect my God properly, but just because the reflection in the mirror is awful, that doesn't mean the subject reflected is what's awful.
It's me, the mirror, who needs to be cleaned up.
I'm only trying to help and push you because you said that's what you wanted.
You asked why on earth would you not want someone to push you towards the best expectations. I smiled greatly that day.
I am sorry if I have failed you in showing you proper love; I know I have a bad track record with that one... hard as I try to specifically model that very thing: LOVE.
I study and focus on it daily, meditate and pick apart.
I question the motives that lie behind my actions, behind each and every step I take.
I look for love because without it, everything else is to the wind.
Still, I fail on a daily basis, and I thank God wholeheartedly for His unending grace.
I just hope you don't walk away from me... that you do not walk away from Him... more than anything else, do not forget Him and learn to accept what He's got for you even if you don't like it. Know that He knows... better.
If you think you know His nature and what He's got for you, think once more and then stop and listen to Him. Stop thinking actually, and listen to what He has to say. He told Moses to just be still and know, know that He Is God.
Stop thinking that you'll find true fulfillment and genuine self confidence in being accepted by meager people. You won't. This is the stuff that only God gives out.
Stop running after man's approval because it will get you nowhere you want to be, nowhere God's got you to be. If you think you know what self confidence is, I promise you that until you've gone after God like you go after someone you can physically see... someone you care about so deeply, like your children say, and build a relationship... build integrity and obedience to His will... until then, I say, you do not and have not known. He's got the good stuff, but it's not passed out as much as His grace. This is the stuff we have to go after Him for, and we better run hard.

I'm telling you from experience. I've lived it and I've searched for that confidence and nowhere nowhere nowhere in the world did I find it until I got close to God.
I had to toss a lot of junk out of my life, and even though I grew up in church from the day I was born, I knew nothing. I thought I had it down when I finally decided to give my life to Christ, and as I got closer and closer to my Maker everything I thought was true, everything I thought I knew, was demolished... upended... uprooted... tossed aside. I read my bible, and I listened in the daily chapels. All that, and I didn't begin to really learn until I actually went after God... months and years after my initial surrender. My life changed because I changed my life... with His help and by His direction of course.
So here's what I've got: life experience and wisdom taken from the Source.
I hope you'll see what an asset they have been to me. I remember you used to wonder why I loved you like I do. Well, maybe you still do, but you don't ask anymore. Maybe I suck that bad these days and it really isn't such a wonder how I do what I do. Gosh, I hope not. Anyway, I told you before and I will tell you forever that it is only a God-given capacity that allows me to function in this way. This is beyond me, fueled by a God Who embodies Love itself.
I remember when I would share His Word with you; I remember when you would read to me daily from that collection of letters... excited and elated at what page God turned you to that day... one two three entries at a time. Goodness, you were so happy.
I remember how elated that made me, the fact that you were soaking up God's love and His promises for you life when it came to deliverance and healing. Those were the things that broke the bondage and trumped the lies that the devil had filled your head with for so long. God is He Who pulled you from the mire.
Today I'm sharing with you the same stuff, the same goods, only it's a different page, a different entry... something more fitting for this newfound position you find yourself in today.
I hope you come to love this gift just the same.
I hope you understand that God's grace is so absolutely wonderful and free, but He still asks of us. I hope you don't grow to despise these gifts that I'm trying to share with you.
Remember, these are my most prized possessions, sweetheart and I don't share them with everyone. That's part of the gift, using discretion when deciding who to share it with.
I hold these revelations and these teachings so dear to my heart and so focal in my life because God has given them to me and they have proven to be true and good regardless of what I thought when I began receiving them. I didn't buy them, and I didn't make them.
They came from God and I hope and pray with all of my now warm heart that you accept them with that in mind, Who it is they really come from.
Please, dear, open your heart and know that I only want to share my most prized possessions and learnings with you. Please please please, know this.
I loved you in very dark times, and I still do.
We've seen the sunshine, we have.
We've overcome some nasty things, some bad times.
I only hope that when the sun really breaks through, you don't go and run into the shade. I'm here still.
My hand is stretched out just like it always has been.
You've taken it before, and I really hope you'll take it again.
God will take your other hand if you will let Him, and I hope even more that you take His... He can take you places that I never could, but I want to go to those places too. Maybe the three of us can go together.
Bring the babies, please; they have to see this as well... if for nothing else, let this trip be taken on their behalf.

I'm so sorry for the foolishness.
I really do not like to be so childish, and God's working in my life this very day on these sorts of things, I know.

I love you with all of my imperfect heart... just the same and even more than I did months ago. It was good enough a few months ago... even just a month ago... I hope it still means the same; I hope it still holds the same value in your eyes.
I hope you are mindful of that, and I do hope that I can do a better job at it in the future if you'll let me... Let me?

<\3

<\3

I really do miss you...

You Are No Potter

All I can do is sit back and watch.
Observe.
O' wisdom, let your cry rise up even further.

Hot Pursuit

The greatest doubt I have has always been in myself.
Am I good enough for this or that?
Without a doubt this girl will tire of me, and why wouldn't she?
Surely, God's grace will run dry with such a character like mine.
These are the bits of me that still fly away and back...
flailing in the wind.
I have no issue giving love... giving to the point that some would even say I'm taken advantage of or I'm stupid and gullible... blinded by this reason or that.
Honestly, I still ask myself once in a while if it is a genuine selfless, Agape Love or if it is my former, unhealthy inclination. Can the same action be righted or wronged simply with a new frame of mind? Surely, bad intentions and underlying, selfish motives can poison a pure well, but can this mustard seed-sized drop of faith cleanse the filthiest cesspool?
The issue at hand is accepting love and, to this very day, being confused by what love necessarily is. That is of course to say that God is Love. I get that... and in that, I understand that this is why I have such a hard time getting close to God... and staying there.
The good things that come from me are the things of God in me. I'm a wretched thing when I am an empty vessel or when poison is what fills me.
I am only capable of good things, of loving someone unconditionally by the grace grace grace of God.
I have come to this conclusion that the same must be true for others as well.
In turn, I have a difficult time handing over my trust to people who aren't connected to God. People who put even just one thing, family included, before God have no shot at earning 100% of my trust. Am I simply a coward who raises this unrealistic standard so that I never have to give out my trust and never suffer a wound? Nothing surprises me. Like Solomon said, there's nothing new under the sun. What's happening has happened a million times before, and it's going to happen another million after you've withered away. I've always seen this pursuit of God as the most important thing in the world. It has never been something to be trifled with, not picking and choosing your steps, but allowing God to pick each and every one even if those steps were so absolutely terrifying... in fact, more so at these times is it necessary to simply step and step hard.
Have you ever accidentally walked off a curb? Have you ever miscounted the steps you are climbing or descending and taken a misstep that knocked you off balance?
That's the kind of commitment I mean. That's the necessary devotion.
Right? Isn't that what it takes?
Can we ever say that living a God-filled life is not a priority?
I mean to have understanding of so many things, if not every thing, but there are those instances in which I come to the conclusion that there really is no understanding when you mean to say that understanding something is to find real sense or logic in that said something.
I understand the motives and the mindset behind this or that.
I understand why I do what I do, completely and thoroughly.
... but I don't understand.

I go after God, and my vision gets clear again. My vision changes... it is renewed.
I eagerly open these new eyes of mine, nice and wide, bright, and then all this confusion sets in. This feeling of distress, not for myself but for others.
I sometimes frown at the fact that God has given us a free will. I get it, and it makes all the sense, but boy do I wish we'd have never been foolish in the first place. I hate that my body and my mind are these playgrounds somewhere in the middle, on this earth, that have their own urges and their own ridiculous conclusions that they come to by this collection of information by way of a mail carrier in disarray... packages and letters falling this way and that out of his bag. Crumpled envelopes and battered boxes.

I can't believe people have gone for so long behind the guise of such a wonderful God, teaching nonsense and filling minds with dust. It makes no sense to me, but I understand.
I do not understand.


Poor King Solomon...
Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain. - Ecc 1:18

Maybe I do not want to understand after all, but I wonder where this would leave me...

Two months...
It's only been two months?
It seems like it's been much longer.
Oh thank you, thank you, Lord. <3

Safe

Be safe.
Be safe.

I am not yet allowed to protect you and stand before you; take the grunt of the blows that come your way. I cannot yet keep you from walking near the curb while you stroll down the sidewalk.
The street I walk down is more than several streets down from yours.

So I need you to keep safe, keep safe.
For safe keeping.
I am built burly to serve a purpose of protection and standing guard, but I am left helpless still in this. I simply cannot put this broad frame to use as of yet, and that leaves me far from said purpose.
This is not easy for me.
I've found purpose in you... maybe not found it, but I'd like to think I helped you back to it. It was there all along, given by God some time ago... before I even was.
Here we are now though, stumbling upon it by the oddest path thinkable.
Here is your purpose again; have a good look at it.
You know, I'm looking myself, and dare I say that I see something in there for me too. Could that be possible? I'd love to think so.
You are a third the size with a heart three times the size of mine.
Get behind me, and we'll run hard. We'll run fast. We'll run until the end with this kind of combination. Power and finesse; loving and stern.

Keep safe, O beautiful, O beautiful.
Keep Safe.
For safe keeping.
I'll be back on your street soon; I will.
I love you.
... thank God for you.
I'll soon have something to protect and keep safe.
I won't worry about this new face or that one because if anything goes down, it's my life first to go in callous defense. Iron or ivory clad...

Just stand behind me and you won't see a thing.

... but for now, keep safe.
Keep safe.
For my safe keeping.
O Love. <3 <3 <3