Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Outside
Shortfalls and little sins
Close calls where no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I'm wearing thin
Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders
I'm not leaving without a fight
I've got my holsters around my sides
Just cause I'm wrong that don't make you right
It's not right
Oh, what are we fighting for?
Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders.
Close calls where no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I'm wearing thin
Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders
I'm not leaving without a fight
I've got my holsters around my sides
Just cause I'm wrong that don't make you right
It's not right
Oh, what are we fighting for?
Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Gifts; Curses; Burdens
God's given me this gift, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to go through an absolutely, extravagantly life-altering... earth-shaking... something to tap into this and push it to its full potential.
Oh boy...
Oh boy...
Friday, July 2, 2010
April 3, 2010
God, I hope this helps.
Here's my prayer, God...
I feel like I'm kind of being dangled on this hook right, just being brushed off and not taken seriously over and over.
All of this after everything... it hurts. I've shown anger and frustration, but simply it just hurts. I have loved her in dark dark times... dismal times. I spoke truth to her about her value and about what she means to You, God. I loved her, and I do love her... I've shown her a great capacity to love genuinely. I have shouldered an extraordinary burden for months... watching her suffer day after day and night after night, waiting anxiously to relieve herself, so I could tell her how much she was loved by both You and I. I would sit and talk to her for hours to lift her up and let her know that she was not meant to live life in such a way... God, I told her of all the wonderful things You have for her day after day after day... never putting her down and only doing my very best to lift her up to You in speech and in prayer. She insisted that I was amazing and I humbly refused her compliments over and over, noting that the only thing amazing was You. I told her that I was not perfect and I told her that I had some work to do myself. Did she just ignore that?
I am sitting here with another heavy something on my shoulders tonight... something that has been growing for the past week or so. It's looking like she wants out.
Has she forgotten all of those weeks and months that I loved her in her loneliest and darkest times? Does she not think that I am capable of change? She says I am not the man she fell in love with, but I am. I am the same imperfect man that I was months ago. I am that same man that would tell her of her worth until she fell asleep every wretched night of an awful job. I showed her love and I endured the pain... accepted the baggage that came along with it... knowing all along what I was getting myself into. I saw past the brokenness and I loved her, I do love her, with all of my formerly cold and callous heart. She turned me warm... got the blood pumping again because God knows I couldn't do so with a stone inside my chest.
Those were some of the heaviest days I have lived, but to see her smiling face and to watch her come to realize that she IS loved... tremendously... it was all so so worth it. I'd do it again if I had to.
She is beyond precious to me and on January 16th, I had the world for the first time...
I've been good and good, but then I went down for a bit. I lost focus and I lost some confidence. I pushed a little too hard and I started pointing the finger in an immature way... analyzing and blah blah blah... like I had no issues. Look at this huge plank in my eye, yeah, it's You Who showed me in the first place and here I am again.
I've been acting like a jackass... insecure little boy and I am beyond embarassed.
You've given me this revelation, and it's finally clicked... I have to just be a man and stick to my choices... back my decisions and be sure of them.
I get it, and that's what I'm going to do... I get it. I've learned.
So does she not think I can change? Am I so wretched and filthy a man in her eyes that she thinks God is not capable of changing me? Has she forgotten all the love love love I shared with her in those ridiculously dark and ugly times? Is it something else that she will not say? What is it? Does she just need time to think and consider if we'll be together in the end? What's the deal? This anxiety presses down on me and it is beyond taxing. It is so difficult to sleep these nights and she seems to sleep soundly. She seems to socialize with nothing pressing on her conscience... How would I know though. I can't keep her on the phone for more than 10 to 15 minutes before she says something like she has to go... or she'll call me right back... which she never actually does.
I do not want to think of losing her. When I held her, I held her like I would see her again. I did not hold her like it was the last time I ever would. I held her with the promise and the belief that we would spend many more hours together... many more days and weeks and moths and years... I love her, and I've never been so blessed so as to hold something so absolutely precious. To see these beautiful little lady go from a bleak and awful reality to stepping back into the promises of God... stepping back into the plan that He's got for her. I thought I might be a part of that plan, but it's not looking so good.
I mean... I'm not one to fold to circumstance and I have yet to do so because I know Who You Are, God. This might be the most costly lesson I will ever learn... to lose something so precious for something so trivial... but like I said, maybe it's something more... I don't know... ;'[
I'm just left here dangling on a hook... like some half dead fish being toyed with.
Oh Lord, I've fasted and I have prayed... I don't know what else to do, but this is tiring...
I do not want to imagine this being the end... but what can I do? I cannot make her stay whether I think it is "fair" or not. If she has forgotten the love I have showed her, like no love I have ever been able to produce... if she refuses to believe that I am imperfect just like her... if she simply refuses to show me forgiveness in turn... if it is something unnamed that is her reason for escape... whatever it is... Lord, bring comfort and bring understanding... peace peace peace and strength. I need it like you wouldn't believe tonight, well, I'm sure you'd believe it... You know it.
God have your way... you know I am here and you know what I desire...
My heart may break, but you can always restore it...
I'd really rather it not break this time though... break it with something else, but not this.
Here's my prayer, God...
I feel like I'm kind of being dangled on this hook right, just being brushed off and not taken seriously over and over.
All of this after everything... it hurts. I've shown anger and frustration, but simply it just hurts. I have loved her in dark dark times... dismal times. I spoke truth to her about her value and about what she means to You, God. I loved her, and I do love her... I've shown her a great capacity to love genuinely. I have shouldered an extraordinary burden for months... watching her suffer day after day and night after night, waiting anxiously to relieve herself, so I could tell her how much she was loved by both You and I. I would sit and talk to her for hours to lift her up and let her know that she was not meant to live life in such a way... God, I told her of all the wonderful things You have for her day after day after day... never putting her down and only doing my very best to lift her up to You in speech and in prayer. She insisted that I was amazing and I humbly refused her compliments over and over, noting that the only thing amazing was You. I told her that I was not perfect and I told her that I had some work to do myself. Did she just ignore that?
I am sitting here with another heavy something on my shoulders tonight... something that has been growing for the past week or so. It's looking like she wants out.
Has she forgotten all of those weeks and months that I loved her in her loneliest and darkest times? Does she not think that I am capable of change? She says I am not the man she fell in love with, but I am. I am the same imperfect man that I was months ago. I am that same man that would tell her of her worth until she fell asleep every wretched night of an awful job. I showed her love and I endured the pain... accepted the baggage that came along with it... knowing all along what I was getting myself into. I saw past the brokenness and I loved her, I do love her, with all of my formerly cold and callous heart. She turned me warm... got the blood pumping again because God knows I couldn't do so with a stone inside my chest.
Those were some of the heaviest days I have lived, but to see her smiling face and to watch her come to realize that she IS loved... tremendously... it was all so so worth it. I'd do it again if I had to.
She is beyond precious to me and on January 16th, I had the world for the first time...
I've been good and good, but then I went down for a bit. I lost focus and I lost some confidence. I pushed a little too hard and I started pointing the finger in an immature way... analyzing and blah blah blah... like I had no issues. Look at this huge plank in my eye, yeah, it's You Who showed me in the first place and here I am again.
I've been acting like a jackass... insecure little boy and I am beyond embarassed.
You've given me this revelation, and it's finally clicked... I have to just be a man and stick to my choices... back my decisions and be sure of them.
I get it, and that's what I'm going to do... I get it. I've learned.
So does she not think I can change? Am I so wretched and filthy a man in her eyes that she thinks God is not capable of changing me? Has she forgotten all the love love love I shared with her in those ridiculously dark and ugly times? Is it something else that she will not say? What is it? Does she just need time to think and consider if we'll be together in the end? What's the deal? This anxiety presses down on me and it is beyond taxing. It is so difficult to sleep these nights and she seems to sleep soundly. She seems to socialize with nothing pressing on her conscience... How would I know though. I can't keep her on the phone for more than 10 to 15 minutes before she says something like she has to go... or she'll call me right back... which she never actually does.
I do not want to think of losing her. When I held her, I held her like I would see her again. I did not hold her like it was the last time I ever would. I held her with the promise and the belief that we would spend many more hours together... many more days and weeks and moths and years... I love her, and I've never been so blessed so as to hold something so absolutely precious. To see these beautiful little lady go from a bleak and awful reality to stepping back into the promises of God... stepping back into the plan that He's got for her. I thought I might be a part of that plan, but it's not looking so good.
I mean... I'm not one to fold to circumstance and I have yet to do so because I know Who You Are, God. This might be the most costly lesson I will ever learn... to lose something so precious for something so trivial... but like I said, maybe it's something more... I don't know... ;'[
I'm just left here dangling on a hook... like some half dead fish being toyed with.
Oh Lord, I've fasted and I have prayed... I don't know what else to do, but this is tiring...
I do not want to imagine this being the end... but what can I do? I cannot make her stay whether I think it is "fair" or not. If she has forgotten the love I have showed her, like no love I have ever been able to produce... if she refuses to believe that I am imperfect just like her... if she simply refuses to show me forgiveness in turn... if it is something unnamed that is her reason for escape... whatever it is... Lord, bring comfort and bring understanding... peace peace peace and strength. I need it like you wouldn't believe tonight, well, I'm sure you'd believe it... You know it.
God have your way... you know I am here and you know what I desire...
My heart may break, but you can always restore it...
I'd really rather it not break this time though... break it with something else, but not this.
Put it out there; get rid of it.
I remember a remark you made once concerning my writing and my expression.
You said something about my writing always being so sad and somber.
I'm sorry for that. Over the years, I've realized that my expression in writing, especially in places like this, these silly online blogs or journals or diaries... whatever you want to call them... that they have become dumping grounds mostly.
When I was young I wrote much of my spiritual exploits and my lessons learned. It's sort of neat to look back at those entries and see where I was and what I was thinking at the time, little bits and pieces of my life earlier to give some sort of insight or marking point in my growth as an individual.
Today, these little blogs don't serve the same purpose, as you can tell. My writing has become dark and cynical, surely. It's all due to life lived and introspection galore.
I kind of likened it to this: I'm patient, and I do believe in facing things head on... difficult things that would otherwise drive me up the wall and back down. This writing has been my method my disconnection or my letting go rather of certain things. I have put things that I wanted to get past here: terrible things that have happened to me, things that weigh so absolutely heavy on my heart, thoughts and doubts in my mind that I know will do a bad thing should they be left to bounce around and dwell inside of my skull... things that make me sad mostly, burdens I cannot bear alone.
We had our time, we did, that was just so pleasant regardless of any conflict or secrets revealed. I never wrote about that until now, you know... all these wonderful little things we had.
Back to my point about what I've likened this to...
These things that weigh heavy on me for whatever reason they do, I've always wanted to be done with them... be away with them, and this is the place where I kind of left them. It's been this vast, endless field where I can just chuck my junk as far as I can throw it... and I did, I do... I will probably keep doing it.
The beautiful, the lovely things... things like you and the love that was there, those things I never wanted to put down because I wanted to hold onto them myself. I never trusted a stupid little blog that could be wiped clean in a moment to hold my most wonderful and precious memories. I could never expect it to contain the happiness that my heart could, so I never wrote about it. I never expressed enough, I suppose, how absolutely happy I was. I was elated... it was all ethereal.
It left me in awe in the most beautiful of ways... I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want it to escape me, and it never did as you'll see now in my detailed writings...
The valve has been opened, and it's all just pouring out now because I don't think I can contain these once beautiful things anymore... not if you're not around anyway.
I'm sorry I was not more vocal about how happy I was.
I really was happier than I may have ever been... other than maybe once or twice, and both of those other occurrences involved God Himself, so I'd say that's not bad company to have there...
I had the world, and I didn't talk about it too much because I wanted to hold onto it myself. I was afraid of being robbed of such memories and experiences... that you all intertwined in them. These most precious precious things were my very very valuable treasure...
I can't even stay awake anymore.. I'm passing out.
I wish I were in Savannah again...
You said something about my writing always being so sad and somber.
I'm sorry for that. Over the years, I've realized that my expression in writing, especially in places like this, these silly online blogs or journals or diaries... whatever you want to call them... that they have become dumping grounds mostly.
When I was young I wrote much of my spiritual exploits and my lessons learned. It's sort of neat to look back at those entries and see where I was and what I was thinking at the time, little bits and pieces of my life earlier to give some sort of insight or marking point in my growth as an individual.
Today, these little blogs don't serve the same purpose, as you can tell. My writing has become dark and cynical, surely. It's all due to life lived and introspection galore.
I kind of likened it to this: I'm patient, and I do believe in facing things head on... difficult things that would otherwise drive me up the wall and back down. This writing has been my method my disconnection or my letting go rather of certain things. I have put things that I wanted to get past here: terrible things that have happened to me, things that weigh so absolutely heavy on my heart, thoughts and doubts in my mind that I know will do a bad thing should they be left to bounce around and dwell inside of my skull... things that make me sad mostly, burdens I cannot bear alone.
We had our time, we did, that was just so pleasant regardless of any conflict or secrets revealed. I never wrote about that until now, you know... all these wonderful little things we had.
Back to my point about what I've likened this to...
These things that weigh heavy on me for whatever reason they do, I've always wanted to be done with them... be away with them, and this is the place where I kind of left them. It's been this vast, endless field where I can just chuck my junk as far as I can throw it... and I did, I do... I will probably keep doing it.
The beautiful, the lovely things... things like you and the love that was there, those things I never wanted to put down because I wanted to hold onto them myself. I never trusted a stupid little blog that could be wiped clean in a moment to hold my most wonderful and precious memories. I could never expect it to contain the happiness that my heart could, so I never wrote about it. I never expressed enough, I suppose, how absolutely happy I was. I was elated... it was all ethereal.
It left me in awe in the most beautiful of ways... I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want it to escape me, and it never did as you'll see now in my detailed writings...
The valve has been opened, and it's all just pouring out now because I don't think I can contain these once beautiful things anymore... not if you're not around anyway.
I'm sorry I was not more vocal about how happy I was.
I really was happier than I may have ever been... other than maybe once or twice, and both of those other occurrences involved God Himself, so I'd say that's not bad company to have there...
I had the world, and I didn't talk about it too much because I wanted to hold onto it myself. I was afraid of being robbed of such memories and experiences... that you all intertwined in them. These most precious precious things were my very very valuable treasure...
I can't even stay awake anymore.. I'm passing out.
I wish I were in Savannah again...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
