Safe

Be safe.
Be safe.

I am not yet allowed to protect you and stand before you; take the grunt of the blows that come your way. I cannot yet keep you from walking near the curb while you stroll down the sidewalk.
The street I walk down is more than several streets down from yours.

So I need you to keep safe, keep safe.
For safe keeping.
I am built burly to serve a purpose of protection and standing guard, but I am left helpless still in this. I simply cannot put this broad frame to use as of yet, and that leaves me far from said purpose.
This is not easy for me.
I've found purpose in you... maybe not found it, but I'd like to think I helped you back to it. It was there all along, given by God some time ago... before I even was.
Here we are now though, stumbling upon it by the oddest path thinkable.
Here is your purpose again; have a good look at it.
You know, I'm looking myself, and dare I say that I see something in there for me too. Could that be possible? I'd love to think so.
You are a third the size with a heart three times the size of mine.
Get behind me, and we'll run hard. We'll run fast. We'll run until the end with this kind of combination. Power and finesse; loving and stern.

Keep safe, O beautiful, O beautiful.
Keep Safe.
For safe keeping.
I'll be back on your street soon; I will.
I love you.
... thank God for you.
I'll soon have something to protect and keep safe.
I won't worry about this new face or that one because if anything goes down, it's my life first to go in callous defense. Iron or ivory clad...

Just stand behind me and you won't see a thing.

... but for now, keep safe.
Keep safe.
For my safe keeping.
O Love. <3 <3 <3

Steadfast...

Today I am blown away.
I feel like throwing up.
I want to vomit.
The weight that I carried for some months has been lifted for over a month now, but today distrust will try to swallow me whole.
I have made up my mind on this matter beforehand, and this inclination remains.
I have not lost my logic and reason though, and so I must fearlessly face the question of whether or not I am the fool.
I do not believe that I am, but still this voice speaks to me.
I cannot say to whom it belongs.
Sound judgement is this you?
Former distrust that is devoid of love, is this you?
What is your name?
I am so disconnected and afraid that I am not capable of hearing He Who I wish to Be my True Master with clarity and decisiveness.
I have drifted far away it seems, though I know He is here.
I just wonder if He speaks to me; if so, what's He saying right now?

I like to think I've grown a bit, getting to know this real world with real problems.
It's not at all pretty, and I'm no longer surprised by men and women.
I'm pretty sure the majority of us have been marred in some way or another, and in turn we have done some of our own demolition. Because of this, we feel shame and guilt. It eats at us, and many times we must find an outlet for the pressure.
Some of us too, are simply built with thicker walls, better insulation and piping.
Some of us take these things to the grave if we can.
There is no doubt about it.

Jesus Christ. Is this God working in one of those ways?
Developing character by just shoving something like this in my face?
Is this how I learn my lesson? If only I had known, I would have given up my ignorance and haughty judgement long ago.
Good Lord, you blow my mind every single time.
Wow, God. What else can I do but freaking laugh?
I kind of like to think that you're laughing and that this was some kind of joke, some kind of fake scare, but you are quite serious about these things when it really comes down to it.
What else can I do but eat this huge piece of humble pie?
Please do not count it against me if I do so with the greatest scowl on my face.
... or does that defeat the purpose? What a lesson plan I got for this one.
Apparently there is no other way.

This is eating at me, but really I am eating away at myself in the end.
It is all in my head, right? True love can't be compared.
It is all in contrast; it is on the other end of the scale.
I suppose once I get that through my thick skull and just really leave all this pride and unjust disgust, then I'll be fine.
You make me laugh, O Jesus. Life sure is something else when you actually want to go places and do something meaningful.
Just leave me here in shambles for a second and come back to pick me up...
Again you win!
You freaking win, God.
God.

We all sit in these caves confined by our secrets and shame.
Here in the dark is where they seem so big.
Here in the dark they feed off of the very environment that is devoid of light.
If light comes in then they are exposed for what they truly are.
They are nothings in the light; they are meager and wispy.
The only weight they maintain is by the equally meaningless words of those others who sit and wallow in the darkness, refusing to open their eyes still after the light has become present.

This thought process is so complex and it possesses many heads, but I believe that elaboration is neither necessary nor possible...

Simply, aside from all of this, something that has nagged and gnawed at me is the fact that I need to reconnect with my God. I need to run after Him again, not fearing but trusting His plans, His Love and His Grace.
Today I hold onto this Word, hoping and praying that I do understand its meaning and that I am, with God's help, going to live it out.

By mercy and truth iniquity is purged: and by the fear of the LORD men depart from evil...
- Proverbs 16:6

Lord, fill me again.
Lord, please fill me again.
My mind is made up, and only you, Lord, can stop me.
... but you already knew that, right.

One month and growing. ;]

Oh Creator...

I look up in the morning, and I am, for that moment, in awe of two very different ideas, opposing ideas in fact. I am most in awe by the idea of my Creator and the One who created this visual universe. I don't see what other evidence of a Creator is necessary, which moves me towards this other awe: the people who are unsure and the people who are convinced that no such Creator, God, exists. Look up and look around, not to people or man made circumstance around you, but sit and contemplate this world as it is and was sans man. Is this not the greatest masterpiece? If the origin of this world were so disorderly and devoid of purpose, then how have we found orderly units of measure and purpose in our own lives? Can something come from nothing, or are the minds of those we call the most brilliant and enlightened simply the most delusional?
It's strangely such a simple idea for me.

Multiply...

It gets harder and harder every day.
The weight is not added, but multiplied...
not by two, but by ten, twenty and one hundred...
You are too precious.
You are too beautiful.
You must quit so you can persevere.
You have to jump off of this sinking ship to find serenity in this ocean of love.
If you keep giving of yourself like this, what will be left for me?
You have to let go of this so you might grab God's hand...
So do it...

If...

The anxiety is piling on and it's only day one.
I've got no outlet tonight... of all nights.
I am tired and my shoulders are killing me.
My blood pressure is on the fritz lately, and I'm praying it's just because of salty foods. I'm supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow and follow up on that and on the bronchitis I had. This is no good.
I could really go for a talk with you tonight... I really could.
This might be the most difficult night for me yet.
I never need support because I am strong and sturdy, but tonight I do. Unfortunately, tonight I cannot have you. Tonight, like other nights, you are not mine.
I am sad. Yes, me, Raul... I am sad.
Maybe I'll go and cry it out or something, this whole anxiety thing and the mine/not mine thing; toss off the tough guy for a little while and just break.
I'm not used to this. These feelings of weakness are foreign.
There you are, but not for me.
My stomach turns.
Yes, this is the most difficult night yet. This is not an easy fight.

Oh Scarlett...

I cannot even call you mine because in one split second you are theirs... all theirs.
They receive this little white box and there you are inside. It is their box to open wherever and whenever they please, and when that box opens it is their own little drama to play out... they are Steven Spielbergs and Woody Allens... more fittingly they are the latter, and you are their Scarlett Johansson or better yet, their Soon-Yi.
So I could call you mine, but really you are not.
I'd rather say you weren't, but to truly have you be...
Actually, I would much rather truth. I would rather that I say you are mine, and to have it be true.

It's starting to get cold in here...
I'll keep fighting.