From green to blue.
From blue to grey.
Brown.

Why doesn't brown ever turn so pretty?

I miss having you shake your little fist at me...

I do not understand...

I had this terrible dream about you. I see these silly actions as I sleep, and it scares me because the last time I had a dream like that, it turned out to be kind of prophetic in a literal and slightly metaphorical way. I'm scared, and I am heartbroken. I've been up for a few hours and the dream is still wearing on me. I'm already drained, and I've been near tears.

I'm sitting here at Chik-fil-a and I'm in Orange freaking county... I overhear some lady who says she's from Atlanta, and apparently the manager working here went to Kennesaw... and this damn Needtobreathe song comes on the f'ng radio.

I talked about you yesterday. Someone asked me if I missed you. I told her sometimes... Honestly, sometimes the thought of you coming back overwhelms me and makes me nervous. I really wouldn't know what to do. Whenever someone asks what happened, I have no answer because I don't even know...

Friday night I sat and talked of you for a good hour. I almost made my friend cry a few times, and I don't really know why. We talked about a lot... She says my face lit up so bright when we talked about little and big K. We talked about my insecurities of being a future father and how once I got over it and began to prepare myself for that position... once I stopped being afraid to love, the opportunity that had been presented me was ripped from my hands. We talked about how insecure that made me further. We talked about how much it hurt to think I was trusted and chosen to such a honorable place in some precious and beautiful children's lives and to have it disappear overnight... the dainty little hands that asked and hoped for me to be this man were the same ones to tear those lovely little dreams away, and that was the most devastating part of it all. I've been afraid lately. I have been cynical and cold... pushing myself away from even some of my best friends who have been there for me in my walk with Christ... my walk of life.
My friend asked me if I would ever take you back if you decided so, and I couldn't answer the question. I almost cried at the thought. Whether it was, hope, happiness, or disappointment I do not know. It was probably some very strong mix of them all.

I've kind of been a mess...
I've asked myself if integrity even matters...
God help me, save me, when I ask such questions...
You've upended me sweetheart.
I'm on my head.

Why are you still here?
I don't really want you to go, but I don't really want you to stay either.
I do not understand.

Tonight I saw you again with your head on your pillow.
Your blue eyes broke me, but I kept a straight face.
Your blanket covered your beautiful skin again.
You bundled yourself up so adorably and everything just came right back.
It was Novemeber.. December.. all over again.
The difference is that the weather isn't as cold, but my heart is much colder.

Lie Down and Stare Up

I remember lying there with you...Beside you, moving your hair aside to kiss your shoulder and neck... whispering closely to your ear, "I love you. I'm so happy that you are all mine..." I breathed in deep with my chest to your back, arm around your waist to keep you ever so close, chin on your shoulder... I exhaled slowly, deeply, and my warm breath danced over your pale skin.
Beneath you, you weighed nothing. You leaned over and kissed me; I kissed you. Hands on your hips, holding you there... You looked down and every time you kissed me, your lips turned upward to smile wide. I moved my hands up your torso. I touched your lovely face. I slipped one hand over your cheek, caressing your skin slowly and moving my hand behind your neck, pulled you forward and kissed you... then the second hand snuck its way behind your ear, your neck. I held you with both hands while I pressed my lips to yours... I stroked your cheek with my thumb. I kissed you again... and again.
Atop you, your legs were strong, and so you kept me close. I rested on my hands, on my elbows and on you. I was afraid I'd break you, smash you, but you loved it. You wrapped yourself around me. Your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist. We laid there quietly with the biggest grins. When we did separate just a bit, you help my face, and I kissed your soft lips lightly... deeply. I will never ever forget the very dim light that trickled through the half shut curtains or the light of the television in the darkness. I remember looking down at you several times here and there in this low ambiance, and the look that looked at me... oh my. I will never forget. At the time, I saw love love love in this stare, in this glare. I've never looked so deep and so far. That look was inside of me. Your eyes saw me inside and out. I was bare before you... but now it's all just barren. I now wonder what went through your head at these visceral times... these formerly wonderful times.
I loved you my dear, and I did my best to have my eyes speak the way yours did. They tore through me like I have never been... that stare.. that look. Those beautiful beautiful eyes turning blue.

I will never forget such a look, such a glimmer.
Of hope.
Hope hoped for.
Love left alone.
You shone so bright my dear.
You shone bright.

Atop.
I'll never forget looking down, looking into, such a vast vast place...

I'm in this zone for once.
I'm focused and I am busy.
Then your name lights up and I'm completely derailed.

Seattle, Utah, Texas, and two So. Cal spots working as an event photographer for Verizon.
This will be a great August, God willing.
I've got a huge couples shoot planned out as well, and I'm starting school back up in the middle of it all. It's going to be chaos... busy, but good.
... and my jeep is running again. ;]

Part of me would rather be in Atlanta, still, sadly.
Fishing in the morning with Bobbye Rae.
So fitting that I've got someone to hang out with while I'm in Seattle when I've got free time...

Oh, Nevada. ;]