110 Pounds

Remember when you said I had soft feet? lol
That was a first for me.
Just as you loved the lines in my forehead, I loved the lines in your cheeks when you smiled...
smile big, smile awkward, smile embarrassed, just smile; I loved every little line and crease.

I remember going through security on my way home, after sitting around for a few hours... hoping you could make it back, but your mom's house was locked. It didn't happen. As I was having my bag rifled through just before getting into the terminal, the ladies asked about what I was doing in Atlanta... We were there for a few minutes, so I got to share a lot about you. They thought it was all pretty sweet... noted about how nice Savannah was in agreement... wished me a whole bunch of luck with some warm smiles, and I remember how proud I was to call you mine. I remember how excited I was to tell others about you and how much I loved you... how much you meant to me - I had the world, remember? So did you...

It's wild, it is, the way things were and the way things are... It still blows my mind. It befuddles me, and that leaves me exhausted like nothing else does...

I was one more thought away from breaking down in a public restaurant in front of my little brother at dinner tonight.
It's gotten to the point, once again, where my shoulders physically ache...

Break Time

I just feel sick today.

First day of summer school went well. I do miss having Sarah in the classroom. I'll be terribly bummed out if she doesn't make it back next year. ;/ Joysette's already planned a lunch date so we can all see her and hear about her NY trip.

I'm sitting here trying to finish editing this book for this friend of mine, and oh my... my head's going to explode. He wrote this last chapter at 3 or 4 in the morning, and it really shows. I guess this is my idea of a break, sitting here adding an entry to my ridiculous blog that no one reads. That's always been the point anyway. It's more for me than anyone or anything else, and it has been a great little something to help my relief in the very recent past and present.

I miss you - just throwing that in there for my own sake.

I've planned my next break already. Mom's out of town, so I'm taking Ben out to Outback Steakhouse and having a large, kosher piece of meat for dinner. It should be great.

It's too bad I feel like crying right now. heh

Makenna's quick photoshoot the other day was nice; I can't wait to finish this book edit, so I can do something relaxing, editing photos.

Maybe I just need a nap...
I could sure use some prayer.
Love is the best fix for these times, but you've got no more of that for me, do you?
Have you ever had it for anyone? I mean, in the proper way?
Cheap shot, I know, but...
I don't want to practice self control for these few minutes, even though I still am to some great extent... each and every day.

I pray for your children often.
God bless you with His grace, and God change your broken and abused heart.
God change that deceived mind...

Love, grace, and truth... we need them All.

2 Corinthians 5:11-21

I wish you could have been here tonight...
God's word was lovely; it is lovely.
You've been robbed blind, I see, but please please, if you would... just wrap your mind around this:
You have an identity...
You have great great value...
Reconciliation is ours...

all of these wonderful things come by Christ alone, but you must embrace Him...
Stop believing the lies.
Sure, your eyes are open, but what's the use if you've got a blindfold on?

He misses you...
He loves you, all of you, yeah, you...

April '10

Yeah, You from Raul Moreno on Vimeo.

I love you.
Yeah, you.
You know Who I Am.
I Am.
You know you’ve done some things that you aren’t proud of; you’ve done some things you are quite ashamed of. These are things you’ll take to the grave, you’ll never share with anyone but Me…
… because really, an imperfect human could never have the capacity to not pass judgement, to not flinch, to not cringe, to not (even if it is very deep down) be a little disgusted by you and what you’ve got hidden in these bags that you carry around. Right? It’s not possible.
But it is…
It is.
My perfect love does not change when it passes through an individual, imperfections considered.
I love you, and I am not disgusted by you. I love you.
You’ve had this notion that you had to clean yourself up before you came into my presence. You had to straighten up before you could be honest about your life’s condition with a friend or a loved one.
Maybe even with yourself... but that’s all backwards. That’s not the way it works.
Clean YOURSELF up all you can, and it’s all filthy rags at my feet. Leave the cleaning job to me. I will stain you crimson with love and you will come out of the wash a bright white so pure like you or Billy Mays never could imagine… and I guess that’s the issue. You can’t comprehend this love, this grace, and so you refuse refuse refuse to accept it. Sure, it’s easy to “accept” it… but really, you’ve been marred in such a way that it is, in your mind and your experience, impossible for someone or the The One to love you in such a way. I’ve forgiven you, they’ve forgiven you… seven times over, but like I said, that’s not the end of things. It’s more like seventy times seven before you’re overdrawn… but that was just a meager figure of speech to wrap your little mind around since the vastness of my love and forgiveness is without measure. So forgive YOURSELF.
My love…
It is patient, kind, without jealousy. It doesn’t brag; it’s not cocky. It doesn’t keep tally on wrongdoing. It’s not into the bad things, but shouts hallelujah at TRUTH. It bears all, believes all, hopes all… and endured EVERY thing.
IT DOES NOT FAIL.
This sin. This sin that you place before yourself when you are before me. - you toss this bag down like it’s a border, like I can’t pass. My love and my grace whether directly from me or through a loved one, cannot pass across this bag named dishonesty and shame. At least that’s what you think. If you’d stop, focus on my grace, focus on Me… for just a second, you’ll notice that the bags have gotten very light. They’re empty. There’s nothing there, nothing to stand before me while I am before you. It’s all a bunch of nothingness. Futile effort. What’s the point?
No, you’re not deserving, but that’s just it. That’s what makes my love different. You might ask why and how, but those are rhetorical questions… only there’s no assumed answer. If for nothing else, I simply love you because you need it. That’s it. Its mind boggling simplicity does just that – it leaves your understanding in shambles and distress. There is all this anxiety. As long as you are human, you will not understand.
My love… It brings this serene chaos.
It gently obliterates.
It lovingly asphyxiates… THIS SIN.
So stop. Know.
I Am.
You are beautiful.
You are precious.
I will fight for you.
I love you, yeah you.

Can't Say I like the Song, but...

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love and words
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And now when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did... not.

I remember walking around in the middle of the night... 30 something, 40 something degrees... wearing a pair of gym shorts just for a bottle of apple juice. I think I was more satisfied with just getting it for you than you were to quench your thirst. You slept so peacefully, and you looked so beautiful when I got back...

I remember sitting in the comfy chair while you slept, eating leftover wings from Sticky Fingers quietly so I wouldn't wake you. You looked beautiful then as well...

I'm sorry I didn't wake up the one night and move over... I'm sorry.

The shame is not mine.

I remember when I booked this job for tonight some months ago. I was stoked; you were stoked. I even got a big ol' "Yay! Baby!!"

I had already determined that the money I made was going to fund one of my summer trips to Douglasville... still thinking about spending a few weeks with you during the month of August when I had time off. I'd have already seen you again by now, staying with your parents like we had talked about...

I'm all over the place...

I'll see you around though...

Love people.
Love people...

I had a very rough fight with wisdom today... I'm pinned; I'm disabled, and I want to get back up and fight some more. I do hope though, that he keeps his weight upon me for my own sake... for another's as well.
Keep me down.

His and Hers

Word for the Day

LEVEL:

adj.

4. steady: steady, consistent, or unchanging
maintaining a level pressure

5. calm: showing calmness and self-control
keep a level head

6. unwavering: not blinking or looking away, and showing penetrating or determined calm
a level gaze

-

verb

1. transitive verb flatten something evenly: to make something even, flat, and horizontal
We spent days leveling the ground before we could start building.

3. transitive verb demolish and flatten something: to completely destroy a building, place, or area and leave it flattened
The village had been leveled by the hurricane.

8. intransitive verb be honest with somebody: to speak frankly and honestly to somebody ( informal )
I'd better level with you right now - I'm leaving the company and going it alone.

I love the plurality of this one, today especially.

"If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful after all."
- Michelangelo

Save me...

I try to remember the positive things each and every day - the beautiful things.
Unfortunately it just makes me sad, and it really is a shame to denote a sad day as a good day.
My appetite as of late is absolutely voracious and there are only two or three things that might appease and/or satisfy me. What seems most appetizing at the moment is unfortunately the worst of choices; it is near-sighted.

Lord, keep me.

I turn the TV on this morning, and espn is showing a damn cheerleading competition.
Stingray All Stars are winning something.
I just have to laugh uncomfortably... the laugh that replaces a frown or tears. You know that one.
... and there goes the day!!

Maybe the Lakers can cheer me up later.

You're weighing my head down.
You're weighing my heart down.
You're all over the place tonight.
Goodness...

I feel like you did...
Looking at damn kids and babies and my mind spins. I'll never forget the day you showed me that video... you know the one.
It kind of freaked me out at first and once I really got my feet on the ground and got over it, I thought it was one of the raddest things I'd ever seen, and the idea of it all lit me up... my camera, my head, my heart, and it showed all over my face. Now it just breaks my damn heart. You asked me to open up, grow up, and plan for life.
Life.
I did it, and it wasn't so scary anymore. I was glad to prioritize and think about being a man seriously for the first time. It felt good, and I knew it would be fine if you were going in the same direction I was... the same direction you were going in. I saw a wonderful show of honesty (or so I thought), and newness. God shone through you and you'd never been so beautiful... so absolutely gorgeous inside and out.
Then, within two weeks time, you managed to rip yourself out of this bond... taking huge pieces of me with you and leaving yourself with me. Unfortunately for me, I don't know what part of you I was actually left with, but I do know that you violently took my heart with you... or the better, fresher part of it that had grown and learned to love with selflessness... the one little bit that staved off all the cold and the callous. You took that from me, and I find things racing through my head each and every day that I thought would never come close to consuming me like these have. It exhausts me.

I am growing ever cold again.

If you f'ng want it, get it.

February '10

It's another cold morning without contrast.
Nothing pale and hot to the touch here in my bed.
Only a wildly vivid sunrise providing no heat.
There's only cold here today,
and I don't provide much beauty.

All I can do is look to the horizon at this beautiful painting of wispy clouds...
50/50 bar orange and white...
pastel blues...
the glowing red of cooling magma...
and the clouds?
These are lined with GOLD.

Honestly I prefer a much different scene.
I'd rather the cold tones of overcast light trickling into a dark room,
white against white.
Brown over blue.
Everything is painted so lightly by the cold blue brush of this sky.
The eyes are greeted with cold everywhere,
but the touch of my cold fingertips is nearly scalded.
She is past warm.

Although I am afforded this grandeur scene of creation...
Although I am kissed on one side by a sublime God given, life giving light of six thousand degrees strong...
Although I am kissed on the other cheek by a crisp breeze travelling 440 feet a minute,
a breeze that I have loved loved loved for as long as I can recall...
I would rather squint in that dark room again,
strain my eyes.
This white canvas of linen tinted the color of cold dead skin presents something in direct contrast.
Look hard enough, not like I have to, and there is beauty here.
Here she is.
Swaddled with limbs tangled between the cool cotton.
Everything in this room looks cold, including her skin,
but I am close enough to reach out and touch her.
So I will.
So I did.

This is perhaps the most warming ninety-eighty point seven degrees I have ever felt.
... I have ever experienced.
Though she has not awaken,
though she does not even realize that SHE is being touched,
she has touched me.

Sure, getting close might make me uncomfortable,
but I have willed past discomfort and complacency.
Though fear and distrust grab and swipe at my back and heels, I push closer.
Closer.
Close must I get to touch your warm creamy skin.
Closer and closer still do I wish.
I do not simply want to touch.
I want to press.
Flesh against flesh.
I seek to press against and and press in,
underneath your skin.
touching the epidermis from top to bottom.
From beneath and on top of.
I long to BECOME your skin,
and you become mine.
Fingers tied into one another.
Chests pressed.
Breath mixed.
Eyes and their gaze lost together in this tunnel that only you and I may enter.
Together.
One skin made from two.

Let God be praised with patience.
As you are restored by our Maker.
As I put away childish things...
I look forward to this beautiful intersection.
I patiently wait for this future expression,
not shallow and meaningless recreation,
but this ultimate fruition,
the pinnacle of an expedition,
of our love...
Storge.
Philia.
Eros.
intertwined and bound together by an ethereal love, THE Love:
Agape.
... by The Dove, The Lion, and The Lamb.

I pray that I am still here in the poorly lit room,
lying on the white sheets washed clean by a blood without blemish.
I pray I am here for the unveiling of this new creation in you.
This GRAND GRAND opening.
The curtains that keep light refrained will be torn, and the sun will shine through to kiss you, to kiss me.
To kiss the one we have become.
We will stand before God;
we will lie before our God in Spirit and Body.
Naked body.
... and there will be no shame.
We will explicate this flawless design of pairing with worship of
mind, heart, spirit, body.
We shall melt, meld, mesh and our lines of separation will be obscured before they become of no existence.
This love will resound, resonate and reverberate...
because it is pure and it is by God and God alone.

I love you because He loves me.
Because He loves you.
So run, my love.
Run towards Him, and we will come together as we come to Him.
He is the only adhesive that is permanent.
He is the only thing that might create a true bond and mix.
This covenant will be true and will not be broken.
The blood shed to signify and bind this came two millenia hence, but it is as fresh as ever.
Its power always unstoppable, unmoveable.
The perfect lays waste to the imperfect.
God's glory shines through.

... and there we are:
you, God, I.
Never once have I wanted as much to lie down in this cold and dark room.
I cannot wait.
I shall wait.
You are worthy of patient and gentle love.
Your value is beyond measure.
Waiting simply makes the most sense.
... waiting for such a marvelous miraculous display of love really is no problem.
It is a pleasure and delight,
for better pleasure and delight.
Atop a pure and Holy bedding,
after some wedding...
marked by a time of crisp breezes and trees shedding...

I really do hope to see this day.
I really do hope to live this day.
I really do hope for us this day.

I love you. I love you.
O precious and beautiful gift from God.
I love you...
<3

Sad days aren't bad days.

I'll never dance like this again;
I wanna dance like this again.

Lord, save me.