Reacquaint

I've seen you every single day since.
I go to Target and see some Cracker Barrel cheese and I think of you.
A friend of mine mentions at dinner that his company's main offices are in Savannah, Georgia.
I see your polaroids lying around in random drawers of my desk.
I take a screen shot on skype and there next to the latest is you nodding off because you are tired.
I clean out my email and there is an itinerary confirmation for a plane to Atlanta.
The negatives from our time together are strewn about here and there.
My friends invited me to see Sublime tonight...
and this is only in the past week.


Some days I look at your picture and I see a blank screen.
I see no one there; I stare past.
Other days, I can't see your picture without breaking.
It's a knee jerk reaction and the tears come fast.
I don't know what this means exactly.
You are obviously still here somewhere, but it seems I've misplaced you for the sake of sanity.
Regardless, I don't think any of it has helped.
I am plainly broken.
I know where to go, but I can't seem to lift my legs and carry myself there.
I can't see it happening any time soon either.
It's very strange and very new.
Resiliency... hope... where are you?
It seems as though all three of you have left me the same.
Let me have just one.

I have met you again recently.
It breaks my heart.
Januaries and Octobers...
Fair skin.
Broken hearts.
Blue eyes.
One year later.

Oh my.
Oh my...
These late summer nights and the conversations running around them.
Goodnight; goodnight.
Sweet.
Precious.
Lovely.
Oh lovely...

Today is not easy.
Today is difficult.
Lord, Lord... comfort me.
Please?

I Miss You...

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you...

I wonder if this will sit here beneath the surface for years to come and ruin me.
Leave me in ruin.
I have my face in another direction, but I have a feeling you're still here.
I know you are.
This is no good...

March '10

I think about you standing out here in the cold...
Tungsten and fluorescent above me, around me.
The sky is dark, the pavement black, and my jacket matches their color or lack thereof.
I'm a little chilly, sure, but I've got you on my mind and that keeps me warm...
that and my jasmine tea with honey and cream.
Really though, the little sips warm my thoat and mouth, but I'd much rather your lips...
your rosy flesh is the finest heat.
It's such a small source, but it is beyond concentrated.
It warms my hands, my lips, the flesh of my chest that you press against, yes.
The warm runs further;
it does not crawl or creep in, but it jumps in, pushes its way in forcefully...
past the epidermis,
past the sternum.
The cold pump deep inside my chest burns up by your touch,
and you touch not only by flesh but tonight you warm by thought.
Warmth hits my chest,
it fills my chest,
and it trickles down my arms and into my fingers.
A corner of my mouth turns upward as the warmth rises to my neck like it's the rim of a cup.
My cup runneth over tonight, today.
My love spills this way and that and I pray pray pray that you get a good splash.
I pray that you receive the warmth and love that I try to project and live out,
even though I am flawed so so so.
I love you, Ashley.
You mean the world to me, and though I find fear knocking at my door now and again,
I never answer.
You're precious and rare.
Beautiful beautiful girl.
I love you more and more as we go along.
... and I hope we go much further.
I love you, Ashley Renee.
I love you.

1/14/10

I want to hold you hold you hold you... warming you with my arms pulling you against me, not letting go and trying to think that you really are mine for the moment... hoping like I have never hoped before that this will be over sooner than even YOU think... knowing very well that I'm putting my hopes so high that a fall from here might very well kill them, destroy them, abolish them... but I find you worth it as of now, from this view of things, so I'll stick to... I want to kiss you all the while, softly, lovingly, and when my flesh touches yours it will be devoid of vacant and depreciating lust... Rather, I will have love to guide my hands and my lips in lines, strokes, circles and in embrace... I will chase after the ethereal love that God has for you and I, in my own actions toward you... He will set my paradigm and I will do my best to follow... I still worry very much that my heart will grow colder than it ever has, but I love you, Ashley Renee. My heart breaks daily when others use and dispense of you in a disgusting way behind the guise of flattering words and friendly conversation... I'm holding my position as best I can. I believe at this point, I love you more than you love yourself because I am at a breaking point... I've reached critical mass, but you have not. You continue with the false notion that this is all you CAN do when it is not. I told you I would push and fight, even with you, for what is best for you, and this is it. I am not playing passive anymore because I see you for your true value in the eyes of the most wonderful God, Jesus Christ, who died for your life... your babies' lives. I pray you will be afforded a view from over here because once you do see things this way, once you realize that you are working to lose, being robbed blind each and every time you step into that little white box, losing more in 15 minutes than you'll ever be able to earn... and then... then I promise you your choice will be easy and this current option will no longer be considered... You are precious and priceless. You are wonderful, and you are loved greatly... tremendously. I love you, and I hope you understand how much and why very very soon... < 3

Uh oh!!

I am not okay at this point.
I am bummed out. (euphemism)
I do stuff I enjoy; I do things to keep myself occupied.
I am doing my best to take all of this emotion and confusion and whatever else is left behind, and I am trying to burn it up in new efforts and endeavors.
... but I just get bummed out because you aren't there anymore to share it all with.

I've been told I'll be okay.
I'll be okay.
I guess.

I am still at an utter loss.

“Photography to the amateur is recreation, to the professional it is work, and hard work too, no matter how pleasurable it my be.”
-Edward Weston

I'm Restless...

Just before you called
I thought we were doing fine
But I was wrong
Your voice came down the line
Forced me to the thought of life
If you were gone

We’re just tired of talking to the busy sounds
The hardest heart still breaks when it goes without
We’re all the ghosts of who we used to be
We might know, if we could see

Don’t look now ‘cause I can’t escape
I get so restless
We won’t know until it’s too late
But I’ll have years to think of
The way I’d do the things I did
Just to chase the pain away
We’re here now and I can change
But I’m still restless

Push, the urge away
To wake up feeling just the same as yesterday
Time, it heals the pain
But painful is the angry heart when time remains

We’re just tired of walking through the faceless crowd
We keep our lonely eyes locked on the ground
And if my legs could run me into you
Then we might know, we might know

I'd have done anything to get you that wraparound porch.
Screw Orange County...
Screw this place.
I would have loved to grow old somewhere where there were no street lights and the Spanish moss hung low over our heads...
I gave you all of it, everything...
and I have nothing left.

I sit here listening to many raising their voices, raising their hands...
God is here in this room, and I can't thank Him enough for simply showing up and gracing us all with His presence...
and still I see you here.
Why?

I remember waking up in the morning and seeing your beautiful face half hidden by your blanket... sometimes your mouth closed and sometimes your mouth half open... all over my huge screen. Your eyes always looked peaceful that way, when you slept. It was a sight to see...

Oops! I burnt one!!

New Growth

I'm starting to put faces on the future and things are getting easier.

Remember when I stalked that fat guy around walmart, trying to get a picture of him for peopleofwalmart.com? haha

Your value can never truly be depreciated.
You are precious.
You are priceless, but God's paid for you life anyway.
He's got you covered.

The pain you bear overwhelms ME.
How on earth might I bear it for many others?
I'm drained and consumed by thoughts of YOUR past...
not in such a way that you are an invaluable someone who has done many wrongs, but all the times rather that you have been robbed and used. I think about the scars you bear and the mindset that has been warped.
I think of these things and the viscious, noxious lies that were fed to you all the while... the lies you're fed today.
It crushes me.

You're still ever precious.
You're still priceless.

Something Beautiful...

In your ocean I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
I can't figure out
No, I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your wave crashes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown
Will you let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side
No I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

How about..

something bright and cute.
It's all just dark and melancholy here lately.

Cynic

I'm glad to have gotten this book out of the way finally. I wish I could have contributed more effort along the way, but I'm grateful and honored that I was able to help in the editing process and the final work. Hopefully people like it; I hope people buy it up next week come conference time... I still need to sit down and read it as a whole. I didn't really have that opportunity while I was sifting through for errors and conjuring up ways to say this or that in a different way. Projects like this should be able to keep my writing sharp...

Let's hope so anyway.

It was nice working with Pastor C on the project... It afforded us a nice little talk at the end of it all, and what looks like more open discourse in the future. He noted that the beginning of the year was great; he saw good things coming from me throughout from the time Pastor Art paid a visit to Ignite early on. He said that after our first night of RELATE, after I wrote that piece about you.. about her.. the one I posted here with the video a little while ago.. he saw a change in me. From that night on, the lights went out. Things got real dark, and apparently I became cynical and changed in a bad way...
I laughed when he told me of his observation. I knew better than he even did. Things really did go dark around that time, pitch black...

I'm sitting here, talking to Matt and about those who complement us... that significant woman who might eventually take up the other side of the bed.
It's funny... you by far, she by far, brought the best out in me. My spirituality skyrocketed, my maturity went up up up, my fear of responsibility went away, and I've never loved so absolutely extravagantly.
I was asked what I've learned so far from this experience and the list went on. Most notably, I was able to see how God works and how He feels each and every day.. from day to day and second to second. He loves us to absolutely no end, without flaw because He Is perfect. Time after time though, we spit on Him... we spit at Him... we put Him beneath our feet or toss Him aside. I didn't even love so perfectly, though I will say I loved like never before, and I feel honest in saying I loved her, I love you, like no one else has yet to do. I gave it all. Everything on my side was on the table, every little bit... Forgiveness ran like it was on tap. I just loved, uplifted, spoke of true genuine value for your sake and for your children's sake most importantly. It made its way into your darkened chest piece and warmed you, brought fresh revelation and insight from God. I saw you shine so magnificently. I loved you in those dark times that you allowed yourself to be given away and used like a rag. I pushed you forward and upward towards God as best I could, so that you might put your trust in Him again and take hold of the value and identity that you had in God. I bore a weight like I never have before... for months. I never gave up, and I never sought to. I would have carried on for months more, but it appeared that God had gotten to you and His love had changed you... your mind and heart.

... and just like that, you were gone to other things. Fitting in and doing what everyone else was doing as if they couldn't love you like I did. They probably wouldn't. They don't know half of you, do they? None of them. I still loved you; I still forgave you willingly even beforehand. How many times did I tell you to just put it all out for us to see and I'd give you nothing but love and forgiveness in exchange for truth and love likewise? How many times did you tell me that the plate was empty?

I say all that to speak of the view I was allowed... realizing that God gives us this and more day after day, and so many of us, including myself, do the same thing in turn... turning away and even making an effort to shout back and push away as far as we possibly can, as if God were the pest or the reason for our calamity. It's wild it is... our inability as human beings to accept forgiveness and love as it TRULY IS.
Taking the real thing over some strangers' approval is sometimes so difficult at times, but I've come to see that it's at these times that we have forgotten who we really ARE. God has given us an identity and that's it... accept it despite circumstance and wrongdoing. God forgives.. I forgive. God loves; I love.

I love you because, like I've said a hundred times, He loved me in the same way.
I love you because He loves you in this way. Neither one of us is deserving, but whatever. It's there, so take it and accept it. Stop sabotaging yourself so you can justify walking away. I know it's uncomfortable and I know there's that little voice in your head telling you that you're ok and that your "friends" are all you really need, but how many will you go through? It's like they pass through a revolving door... and we both know that. When will you allow someone to show you love love love without pushing them so very far away. When will you push past the unfamiliarity and discomfort and just accept it?

I never thought I'd need someone to give me one of those "pep talks"...
and here I am. I need them frequently it seems. The gist of them is that at some point, I'll move forward and leave it all behind. Unfortunately, a good bit of me doesn't quite want to. I just sit here and rifle through your picture for the first time in weeks as I sit and listen to encouraging words... tears welling up... until I'm asked for a response. I close the window, straighten up, make sure my throat is clear and move forward for the night...

Goodnight.

Pinky Promise?

Outside

Shortfalls and little sins
Close calls where no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I'm wearing thin
Oh, why are we keeping score?

Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders

I'm not leaving without a fight
I've got my holsters around my sides
Just cause I'm wrong that don't make you right
It's not right
Oh, what are we fighting for?

Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders.

Puppy Taco... remember that?

Three and a half hour lunch... at Olive Garden on top of it, and I'm no big fan of the place.
It was so good to see Sarah.. sight for sore eyes. I miss her to death and it's only been a week. I can't wait 'til she's back. We're gonna have to do something else soon.. ;]

Gifts; Curses; Burdens

God's given me this gift, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to go through an absolutely, extravagantly life-altering... earth-shaking... something to tap into this and push it to its full potential.

Oh boy...

April 3, 2010

God, I hope this helps.
Here's my prayer, God...
I feel like I'm kind of being dangled on this hook right, just being brushed off and not taken seriously over and over.
All of this after everything... it hurts. I've shown anger and frustration, but simply it just hurts. I have loved her in dark dark times... dismal times. I spoke truth to her about her value and about what she means to You, God. I loved her, and I do love her... I've shown her a great capacity to love genuinely. I have shouldered an extraordinary burden for months... watching her suffer day after day and night after night, waiting anxiously to relieve herself, so I could tell her how much she was loved by both You and I. I would sit and talk to her for hours to lift her up and let her know that she was not meant to live life in such a way... God, I told her of all the wonderful things You have for her day after day after day... never putting her down and only doing my very best to lift her up to You in speech and in prayer. She insisted that I was amazing and I humbly refused her compliments over and over, noting that the only thing amazing was You. I told her that I was not perfect and I told her that I had some work to do myself. Did she just ignore that?
I am sitting here with another heavy something on my shoulders tonight... something that has been growing for the past week or so. It's looking like she wants out.
Has she forgotten all of those weeks and months that I loved her in her loneliest and darkest times? Does she not think that I am capable of change? She says I am not the man she fell in love with, but I am. I am the same imperfect man that I was months ago. I am that same man that would tell her of her worth until she fell asleep every wretched night of an awful job. I showed her love and I endured the pain... accepted the baggage that came along with it... knowing all along what I was getting myself into. I saw past the brokenness and I loved her, I do love her, with all of my formerly cold and callous heart. She turned me warm... got the blood pumping again because God knows I couldn't do so with a stone inside my chest.
Those were some of the heaviest days I have lived, but to see her smiling face and to watch her come to realize that she IS loved... tremendously... it was all so so worth it. I'd do it again if I had to.
She is beyond precious to me and on January 16th, I had the world for the first time...
I've been good and good, but then I went down for a bit. I lost focus and I lost some confidence. I pushed a little too hard and I started pointing the finger in an immature way... analyzing and blah blah blah... like I had no issues. Look at this huge plank in my eye, yeah, it's You Who showed me in the first place and here I am again.
I've been acting like a jackass... insecure little boy and I am beyond embarassed.
You've given me this revelation, and it's finally clicked... I have to just be a man and stick to my choices... back my decisions and be sure of them.
I get it, and that's what I'm going to do... I get it. I've learned.
So does she not think I can change? Am I so wretched and filthy a man in her eyes that she thinks God is not capable of changing me? Has she forgotten all the love love love I shared with her in those ridiculously dark and ugly times? Is it something else that she will not say? What is it? Does she just need time to think and consider if we'll be together in the end? What's the deal? This anxiety presses down on me and it is beyond taxing. It is so difficult to sleep these nights and she seems to sleep soundly. She seems to socialize with nothing pressing on her conscience... How would I know though. I can't keep her on the phone for more than 10 to 15 minutes before she says something like she has to go... or she'll call me right back... which she never actually does.
I do not want to think of losing her. When I held her, I held her like I would see her again. I did not hold her like it was the last time I ever would. I held her with the promise and the belief that we would spend many more hours together... many more days and weeks and moths and years... I love her, and I've never been so blessed so as to hold something so absolutely precious. To see these beautiful little lady go from a bleak and awful reality to stepping back into the promises of God... stepping back into the plan that He's got for her. I thought I might be a part of that plan, but it's not looking so good.
I mean... I'm not one to fold to circumstance and I have yet to do so because I know Who You Are, God. This might be the most costly lesson I will ever learn... to lose something so precious for something so trivial... but like I said, maybe it's something more... I don't know... ;'[
I'm just left here dangling on a hook... like some half dead fish being toyed with.
Oh Lord, I've fasted and I have prayed... I don't know what else to do, but this is tiring...
I do not want to imagine this being the end... but what can I do? I cannot make her stay whether I think it is "fair" or not. If she has forgotten the love I have showed her, like no love I have ever been able to produce... if she refuses to believe that I am imperfect just like her... if she simply refuses to show me forgiveness in turn... if it is something unnamed that is her reason for escape... whatever it is... Lord, bring comfort and bring understanding... peace peace peace and strength. I need it like you wouldn't believe tonight, well, I'm sure you'd believe it... You know it.
God have your way... you know I am here and you know what I desire...
My heart may break, but you can always restore it...
I'd really rather it not break this time though... break it with something else, but not this.

Put it out there; get rid of it.

I remember a remark you made once concerning my writing and my expression.
You said something about my writing always being so sad and somber.

I'm sorry for that. Over the years, I've realized that my expression in writing, especially in places like this, these silly online blogs or journals or diaries... whatever you want to call them... that they have become dumping grounds mostly.
When I was young I wrote much of my spiritual exploits and my lessons learned. It's sort of neat to look back at those entries and see where I was and what I was thinking at the time, little bits and pieces of my life earlier to give some sort of insight or marking point in my growth as an individual.
Today, these little blogs don't serve the same purpose, as you can tell. My writing has become dark and cynical, surely. It's all due to life lived and introspection galore.
I kind of likened it to this: I'm patient, and I do believe in facing things head on... difficult things that would otherwise drive me up the wall and back down. This writing has been my method my disconnection or my letting go rather of certain things. I have put things that I wanted to get past here: terrible things that have happened to me, things that weigh so absolutely heavy on my heart, thoughts and doubts in my mind that I know will do a bad thing should they be left to bounce around and dwell inside of my skull... things that make me sad mostly, burdens I cannot bear alone.
We had our time, we did, that was just so pleasant regardless of any conflict or secrets revealed. I never wrote about that until now, you know... all these wonderful little things we had.
Back to my point about what I've likened this to...
These things that weigh heavy on me for whatever reason they do, I've always wanted to be done with them... be away with them, and this is the place where I kind of left them. It's been this vast, endless field where I can just chuck my junk as far as I can throw it... and I did, I do... I will probably keep doing it.
The beautiful, the lovely things... things like you and the love that was there, those things I never wanted to put down because I wanted to hold onto them myself. I never trusted a stupid little blog that could be wiped clean in a moment to hold my most wonderful and precious memories. I could never expect it to contain the happiness that my heart could, so I never wrote about it. I never expressed enough, I suppose, how absolutely happy I was. I was elated... it was all ethereal.
It left me in awe in the most beautiful of ways... I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want it to escape me, and it never did as you'll see now in my detailed writings...
The valve has been opened, and it's all just pouring out now because I don't think I can contain these once beautiful things anymore... not if you're not around anyway.

I'm sorry I was not more vocal about how happy I was.
I really was happier than I may have ever been... other than maybe once or twice, and both of those other occurrences involved God Himself, so I'd say that's not bad company to have there...

I had the world, and I didn't talk about it too much because I wanted to hold onto it myself. I was afraid of being robbed of such memories and experiences... that you all intertwined in them. These most precious precious things were my very very valuable treasure...

I can't even stay awake anymore.. I'm passing out.
I wish I were in Savannah again...

hefoundmee:
I miss waking up and seeing you in the middle of the night and kissing your lips and telling you that I love you.