O dreams...

A few days ago I had one of those bad mornings... waking up at 4 or 5 only to toss and turn for almost an hour before I got back to sleep for another hour which was riddled another of those painful dreams.
I dreamt of you again... my typical theme as of late.

God, I miss you...

We were in my grandma Louise's old house, the one that has since been sold and torn down for the purpose of an empty lot for some years and then turning into some generic industrial building. Anyway...
There we were, together. I was elated that I had you. We were there together.
I don't know why the setting was what it was or what sort of significance it might have had, but there was a lot of history to that house and my family. That was probably the only "safe" or consistent setting I had in my life throughout my hectic childhood...

Once again, there we are. I came in from the kitchen, through the dining room, and there you were on the living room floor, lying in front of the television with your lap top. Come to find out, you're there. You're on.
You said it was no big deal... You said I needed to relax because you weren't there anywhere near as much anymore. It was ok because it was only seldom that you were on.
I walked over and shut the computer closed, yanked it from your grip and broke it... threw it on the floor with all my strength and my hurt and pummeled it to pieces.

As I finished, I woke up...
I was pretty drained for the whole day.

Hey Soul Sister...

Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my left side brains.
I knew I wouldn't forget you,
And so I went and let you blow my mind.
Your sweet moonbeam,
The smell of you in every single dream I dream,
I knew when we collided,
You're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind.

Hey soul sister,
Ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey soul sister,
I don't want to miss a single thing you do...
Tonight.

Just in time,
I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me.
You gave my life direction,
A game show love connection, we can't deny.
I'm so obsessed,
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.
I believe in you, "Like a Virgin," you're Madonna,
And I'm always gonna want to blow your mind.

Hey soul sister,
Ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey soul sister,
I don't want to miss a single thing you do...
Tonight.

The way you can cut a rug,
Watching you's the only drug I need.
You're so gangsta, I'm so thug,
You're the only one I'm dreaming of.
You see, I can be myself now finally,
In fact there's nothing I can't be.
I want the world to see you'll be with me.

Hey soul sister,
Ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey soul sister
I don't want to miss a single thing you do tonight,
Hey soul sister,
I don't want to miss a single thing you do...
Tonight.

Every single time I stop to do something that doesn't require my focus, I kind of feel like throwing up...

Freedom

I've had this freedom for some time now; it's been about 5 years of freedom.
I've had late nights, good talks, and blah blah blah...
I lost all my pictures about a year ago of all these good times... all this fun.
It's nice to think and reminisce for sure, but recently I've grown up a little.
I've reconnected with a friend who is just that by name.
Really, he's always been my brother.
I've sat and thought about my given brother as well, and he means the world to me.
I thank God for him over and over because if it weren't for him, I'd have definitely gone off on my own to spend those late nights doing things I probably would have regretted. God uses this kid to keep me, and I'm realizing more and more these days what an honor it is to have this kid in my life. He's getting older now, and I haven't always done my part in being a good role model. In fact, most of the stupid stuff the kid does is just he picks up from me. It pisses me off, but then I realize where it all came from and then it breaks my heart.
We didn't have a father for a role model, either for us, but I was 7 years ahead of the kid and I've known better for quite some time. Still, I've left things out and I haven't taught this kid like I should have. He's a year and a half shy of being his own young man, and I often wonder if he'll make the silly decisions I have. I like to tell myself that he's a smart kid and he'll do better than I did, but I was a smart kid too and look where I've been. Compare me to everyone else around the world and I might not seem so bad, but what a terrible standard to have. I know better. Our standard is Christ crucified and risen: Jesus.
That's the standard no matter who strokes the ego and pride saying, now now it's alright... It's not, and if things go awry, I'll have to live with that...
Anyway, I was going somewhere with this...
Freedom, priorities, brothers... and love.
In the past few months I have found a capacity by God to love unconditionally. It obviously did not last permanently as my current circumstance would show. The record skipped somewhere and there I went and scratched it... damaged it... maybe ruined it.
I found this beautiful beautiful girl along the way, and I'm bundling her up with my family and that extra brother of mine and I'm starting to realize what really matters and what means most in the end. I'm not old, but I'm not getting younger. Life isn't slowing down for me; the gas pedal is pretty much stuck and it's starting to seem that we never really get over the hill... we're going downhill from the start.
I'm not a kid anymore, and I don't want to be. That stuff is to the wind and hard as I might try to hold onto it all the way through, I know I never will. Why waste my time and energy then? Why not just grow up already, prioritize and move in the direction I want to go? That's what's on my mind. God's opened my eyes to a lot of things in the past several months thanks to some lost puppy I found somewhere last year, and it's been so refreshing. Loving like I have loved and without regret. I've learned not to care about man's opinion of things. I've learned that we're all equally undeserving, so we must be equally deserving as well then. No one is better than the next guy or girl. I've learned that self righteousness is a killer that refuses to stay down along with insecurity... in fact, they do a lot of work together.
I've learned a lot, and I think I've been a little overwhelmed... I've rejoiced for a little too long about the fact and for some reason I've stalled out on applying it.
Silly me.
All that freedom for all that time, touting with arrogance how much I adored it and how much it meant to me, but really I was just collecting men's approval. Building my phone book and my friends list, but in all that time and among all those people, what's left? I mean, people are still around and I love them. The thing is though, I've built crazy magnificent relationships with those who really mean the most to me in a much shorter time and day by day by day they grow. I've reconnected with a brother and it is like we didn't even miss the first 5 years of each other's adult lives.
I think I'm ready to grow up. This freedom thing has gotten old, and it's not looking so free anymore. The cost was always pleasing others, whether said or unsaid... it was all about fitting into the group, getting into the circle, knowing the gossip, making fun of the outsiders, gettin' tight with the clique, building the list of inside jokes... havin' a blast and losin' sleep... losing time more like.
I had fun for sure. Yeah, I had fun, and I'd say I wished I grew up earlier if it weren't for the fact that I've come across this particular someone who actually helped me realize it was time to grow up and be a man.
I can't say I regret much other than the fact that I hadn't prioritized my little brother a lot higher a lot sooner, but it seems like I've found what I want.
Whether or not that is still attainable, God only knows right now, but hey... I'm wiser for it, right?
I've always got God, and although it was through this beautiful beautiful creation of His that I learned to love unconditionally for a while, it all came from Him in the end, right? I said nothing would stop me but divine intervention, but I must have forgotten that it wasn't just God and myself involved... I had her word, for sure, but I guess we all change our mind some time... Who knows though, right? God alone.
He knows what I want, but He also knows what I need. He'll let my heart break and fall to pieces because He knows how to put it all back together. As much as I might kick and scream, He's the boss... and I get it.

I get it.

So to hell with freedom... there's nothing free about it whether we're talking politics or life in general. I'll put on the chains... whatever that might mean or whatever they might be attached to. I've got my mind set, and I'm going to do something new... something new new new. I cannot wait, but I'll try not to get too anxious.
God give me patience and give me peace. I need you now more than ever because I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Thank you for my family, and my friends... thank you for those very very few who mean more than everything else to me. I know if everything else fell away and they handful of them were still there, I'd be overjoyed and beyond blessed. I love You.

... and I love you too.
Yeah, you.

Happy Easter. <3

Ending Dreams...

I spent a good time praying yesterday. I got home and went right to work... just sitting in the quiet, pouring out my heart to God and giving Him the things on my mind... my worries, my requests, and my obedience... what I recognized as flaw by reflecting on His word and the repentance that came with it. New commitments to His life... in my life.

I passed out last night pretty hard; I can't even remember falling asleep but it was some time before even 10 o'clock.

I dreamt of you, and it was an awful dream.
I remember all the ugly dreams of separation that I would have when I had the weeks of pain and bearing of the love burden... when you were not mine. When I was waiting on you patiently, carrying some massive amount of weight day by day by day.

I woke up around three o'clock this morning, grabbed my phone and had a little look at my facebook. Of course you were on my mind, but I was tired so I went back to lying down. I tossed and turned for an hour or so... unable to come to a place of comfort of body, but most importantly mind.
I got back to sleep finally for just one more cycle and this is what I remember of that dream:

You and I were speeding down the 57 Freeway, skies deathly dark and thunderous. You were terrified and as I looked out of the window over my shoulder I saw a tornado begin to form. It was quite a ways off, but you were terribly fearful. I told you it would be ok; we would be ok. So we sped up and sped on... there's this little s curve somewhere around the Imperial Highway exit and as we came to it, with the pavement being drenched, it seemed as though we were going far too fast to not lose control of the vehicle had we decided to slam on the brakes. There's this big grassy area and in the dream it seemed to have turned into a small lake of sorts. It looked like that's where we were headed. So we braced, we prepared... you removed you seat belt as the car lifted off and just as we hit the water you bailed. I had more trouble with my seatbelt, unable to get it off so quickly but I managed to escape seconds after we had landed in the deepening water. I'd made it safely to the patchy grass, but you were nowhere to be found. There were other people there, but I cannot remember if I knew anyone else.
At some point in the dream I also remember sitting on my lap top, having a video call with you on skype as you were driving somewhere... you were near home, and the weather was similarly stormy. You were driving down to visit a friend named Ashley something... I can't remember the last name. Your car lost control and we were cut off. This is how everything gets sort of wacky because when I make it to dry land, I have all this mind. It's as if you were never in the car with me in the first place. I frantically searched for a phone and managed to borrow one from one of the strangers near the crash. I called your mom repeatedly; it was the middle of the night there. I finally got a hold of her and told her what had happened, that you had been in a bad accident while you were driving down to visit your friend...
She thought about it for a second and used the phone to check facebook since I'd forgotton the girl's last name, but knew her picture when I saw it. I filled you mom in on who it was you were going to see exactly and she started running off the highways you'd have to take to get there... one of them rung a bell and she was off... I couldn't get a hold of you; it was all up to your mom finding you.
At some point after this I ended up in the car with my mother, having a very similar discussion to the one I had with her recently... You were the topic and there were some heavy issues to be talked about. The next thing I know, I'm running into the lobby area of some sort of classy hotel with the intent to find you. I'm searching for you hastily, and as I am making my way in I face this blockade of 30 to 40 models... like high fashion models. These girls were all tall and strong.. stylish and stunning. They were on their way out, but still they were in my way so I spend little time in pushing past them... I even knocked some of them down because I had to get to you... I had to find you and hold you was all I could think. I had to know you were ok and that I would hold you, bring comfort and love...
So as I pushed my way through the crowd, I ended up just through the entrance...

... and I woke up to my alarm.
It wasn't very pleasant.
I'm tired...

All this knowledge and supposed wisdom, but what's the point if I won't freaking apply it.
I obviously have so much ground to make up in pushing towards God because all the confidence I once had has been shot.

Hope for Remain

My heart is heavy heavy heavy with question upon question.
I hope it's all still there.
I hope your ears are still open.
I hope your heart is still open,
most importantly,
to the wonderful God Who has brought you here today.
I thought my words were coming from the same place they were months ago,
but yesterday you loved them
while today you despise them...
or so it seems.
So, I question myself and my source.
Am I poisoning the well?
I know I don't always talk so gracefully,
but I'm speaking the same thing.
I'm still sharing God's promises with you and the revelation He's shared with me.
I hope you realize that these are my most prized possessions.
They are of far greater value than a few pizzas,
a few coats,
a couple hundred dollars,
or a plane ticket.
God's wisdom is the greatest gift I can share with you,
so please understand when I am puzzled and I have all sorts of inquiries about why it has such a bad taste these days.
I know you are tired.
I know you are busy,
but do not forget your God.
You can never be too busy to make time for Him;
I tell you the truth.
Remember how Jesus would go pray just before His death and the disciples would fall asleep? Jesus never let them sleep when this happened; He woke them up as soon as He saw them and told them to not grow weary. God is our rest and our reserve of strength. It is by Him that we persevere and do not grow tired, mentally, physically and spiritually.
I love you, and I am imperfect in that. I really do try, and I really like to think that God's helped me a whole bunch in the past few beautiful months of my life. I still fudge things up a bunch though, I know. I'm not perfect, but it's no excuse.
I will try harder; I will seek God more fervently, and I will share with you what I find.
I only pray pray pray... like I did this morning up at the altar... that your heart stays open to He Who does love you perfectly.
Remember that I am an imperfect vessel, a work in progress just like you.
I am not always going to reflect my God properly, but just because the reflection in the mirror is awful, that doesn't mean the subject reflected is what's awful.
It's me, the mirror, who needs to be cleaned up.
I'm only trying to help and push you because you said that's what you wanted.
You asked why on earth would you not want someone to push you towards the best expectations. I smiled greatly that day.
I am sorry if I have failed you in showing you proper love; I know I have a bad track record with that one... hard as I try to specifically model that very thing: LOVE.
I study and focus on it daily, meditate and pick apart.
I question the motives that lie behind my actions, behind each and every step I take.
I look for love because without it, everything else is to the wind.
Still, I fail on a daily basis, and I thank God wholeheartedly for His unending grace.
I just hope you don't walk away from me... that you do not walk away from Him... more than anything else, do not forget Him and learn to accept what He's got for you even if you don't like it. Know that He knows... better.
If you think you know His nature and what He's got for you, think once more and then stop and listen to Him. Stop thinking actually, and listen to what He has to say. He told Moses to just be still and know, know that He Is God.
Stop thinking that you'll find true fulfillment and genuine self confidence in being accepted by meager people. You won't. This is the stuff that only God gives out.
Stop running after man's approval because it will get you nowhere you want to be, nowhere God's got you to be. If you think you know what self confidence is, I promise you that until you've gone after God like you go after someone you can physically see... someone you care about so deeply, like your children say, and build a relationship... build integrity and obedience to His will... until then, I say, you do not and have not known. He's got the good stuff, but it's not passed out as much as His grace. This is the stuff we have to go after Him for, and we better run hard.

I'm telling you from experience. I've lived it and I've searched for that confidence and nowhere nowhere nowhere in the world did I find it until I got close to God.
I had to toss a lot of junk out of my life, and even though I grew up in church from the day I was born, I knew nothing. I thought I had it down when I finally decided to give my life to Christ, and as I got closer and closer to my Maker everything I thought was true, everything I thought I knew, was demolished... upended... uprooted... tossed aside. I read my bible, and I listened in the daily chapels. All that, and I didn't begin to really learn until I actually went after God... months and years after my initial surrender. My life changed because I changed my life... with His help and by His direction of course.
So here's what I've got: life experience and wisdom taken from the Source.
I hope you'll see what an asset they have been to me. I remember you used to wonder why I loved you like I do. Well, maybe you still do, but you don't ask anymore. Maybe I suck that bad these days and it really isn't such a wonder how I do what I do. Gosh, I hope not. Anyway, I told you before and I will tell you forever that it is only a God-given capacity that allows me to function in this way. This is beyond me, fueled by a God Who embodies Love itself.
I remember when I would share His Word with you; I remember when you would read to me daily from that collection of letters... excited and elated at what page God turned you to that day... one two three entries at a time. Goodness, you were so happy.
I remember how elated that made me, the fact that you were soaking up God's love and His promises for you life when it came to deliverance and healing. Those were the things that broke the bondage and trumped the lies that the devil had filled your head with for so long. God is He Who pulled you from the mire.
Today I'm sharing with you the same stuff, the same goods, only it's a different page, a different entry... something more fitting for this newfound position you find yourself in today.
I hope you come to love this gift just the same.
I hope you understand that God's grace is so absolutely wonderful and free, but He still asks of us. I hope you don't grow to despise these gifts that I'm trying to share with you.
Remember, these are my most prized possessions, sweetheart and I don't share them with everyone. That's part of the gift, using discretion when deciding who to share it with.
I hold these revelations and these teachings so dear to my heart and so focal in my life because God has given them to me and they have proven to be true and good regardless of what I thought when I began receiving them. I didn't buy them, and I didn't make them.
They came from God and I hope and pray with all of my now warm heart that you accept them with that in mind, Who it is they really come from.
Please, dear, open your heart and know that I only want to share my most prized possessions and learnings with you. Please please please, know this.
I loved you in very dark times, and I still do.
We've seen the sunshine, we have.
We've overcome some nasty things, some bad times.
I only hope that when the sun really breaks through, you don't go and run into the shade. I'm here still.
My hand is stretched out just like it always has been.
You've taken it before, and I really hope you'll take it again.
God will take your other hand if you will let Him, and I hope even more that you take His... He can take you places that I never could, but I want to go to those places too. Maybe the three of us can go together.
Bring the babies, please; they have to see this as well... if for nothing else, let this trip be taken on their behalf.

I'm so sorry for the foolishness.
I really do not like to be so childish, and God's working in my life this very day on these sorts of things, I know.

I love you with all of my imperfect heart... just the same and even more than I did months ago. It was good enough a few months ago... even just a month ago... I hope it still means the same; I hope it still holds the same value in your eyes.
I hope you are mindful of that, and I do hope that I can do a better job at it in the future if you'll let me... Let me?

<\3