In the fallout now
It's hard to feel like we can turn around
With the damage done
It's hard to see how far we've come
We could not be proud
Of where our feet have walked along the ground
In the silence now
We play it back and forwards again

There's a sound in our guiltiness
It's a warning bell that rings
It's a call for our lonliness
And we can't see

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

Play the victim here
You know it's nothing but your pride and fear
But the more you hurt
The more you love the one you were

There's a sound in our guiltiness
It's a warning bell that rings
It's a call for our lonliness
And we can't see

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

In the light of the mourning
Can we change what we felt and heard?
Can we turn it into the glory?
Break the paths of our fathers before us
Though we stand on the outside
We will find what we once believed
And will crawl our way to the clear skies
Standing up we are
Standing up we are

We roll the dice we play like fools
We plead with time to change the rules
Its like a hurricane is coming our way
We've all been warned but we still chose to stay

I can't believe it now the time has come

Super speeder!

My Little Buddy

I have never been so actively involved in preparing myself mentally to build a family of my own. Talk and even disagreement on child rearing and the like, it all just runs away in the dark of a very dark night.
It really breaks my heart to no end.
This most beautiful thing breaks me almost like God only ever has.

It's not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with every start.

Ashley, I still smile when I think of you, all things considered.
I laugh at myself, and just everything that comes along with you.
I literally sit here and chuckle or just get this huge grin on my face.
I couldn't hate you or despise you if I tried, and I'm glad for that.
I was just thinking out loud here.
I think the theme here needs to change, or the maybe we'll change the channel altogether.

I still laugh when I see this negative lying around in my desk drawer, the way the bit of film was totally ruined other than you. I don't know what to say about it now.

How selfish...
I am sorry.

She smiles like a Georgia summer...

SCAD has a photogravure class... wow.
I might just pursue.

Semester in Hong Kong?
Finish off in Savannah?
Graduate degree in Atlanta?

I think it's time to give it all a good look.

I smiled this morning.
I took a big deep breath at the sound, and I smiled...

Old Piece...

I Passed Through the Looking Glasses
As I pass through, my breath remains behind. I hope it follows me through soon enough, but if not, this isn’t such a bad place to suffocate. I see the stories of a life lived from the inside of a silky, pressed porcelain parchment. Strangely, it’s dark inside despite the radiance that seems to shine outward. You are fair; you are sublime.
And I do not just pass out such an adjective without great care. I am methodical in my thought, in my labyrinth. I am aware and attentive to what you are not, to what you are. You lead the word effortlessly through the winding corridors and past my lips though. Yes, I say it out loud as well, but you’d never know that. Times New Roman, Arial, Verdana and Franklin could never possibly replicate the deep breath behind my voice or the shortness of breath thereafter. Oh, it seems as though my breath has caught up to me. Good, I like it here.
I’d give up my breath again to look around some more, but surely the circumstance would not allow it. It is what it is, but it is bittersweet. I would say it is more bitter. Regardless, I endure for the over concentrated sugary sweet that I am afforded hither and thither.
I know I have to go back through at some point, but I will put it off as long as I can. Do not wake me. Do not stir me. Let me be. I’ll come out soon enough, surely. If nothing else, you’ll make me, but please allow me to stay for just a little while longer. Allow me another quick look around.
Life has painted your walls this clockwork shade of orange. There is writing, on opposite walls, that reminds you to love thy sister and remember thy mother. Over on the right your prize buck is mounted with, fittingly, a prominent rack. I see one of those model ships in a bottle with a mount that is marked “Papa” sitting on a shelf beneath him. Then there, in the middle of the room, it appears as though a leprechaun and the talking rabbit were playing dice. That spotty memory, you know. It’s a good thing you take notes.
I suppose I’ll leave now. I’ll turn right around and come back through those looking glasses though, the clear framed ones, not the black ones, and I’ll look around some more. Maybe a new place will be open for exploration. I shall again vainly make an attempt at bringing my breath in with me, but if I can’t, I’ll come just the same.
You are exclusively sublime.

I've had two very long days.
I am stretched very thin in many ways.
I cannot take calls, and I cannot take money.
I cannot take extra work because life is just too hectic.
Tonight wasn't so bad - downtown L.A. for the second night in a row.
I shared my lessons learned and my experiences past.
I think it brought a lot back.
I'm not sure if I am tired or simply just mellow yellow.
I've been on autopilot for the past few weeks...
18 hour days are just mighty nuts.

I missed you tonight while I was walking down these crappy streets, dark and empty.
What a sad story mine is, today.
This chapter is not so hot, but I suppose those reading might follow along if they're rooting for me.
Hopefully I'm one of those lovable characters like Ted from There's Something About Mary.
He was a pretty swell guy still thinking about Mary when he thought she was a whale of a tale.
I have some great things to smile about for sure, but I've buried them with current preoccupations that I know will only be temporary.
I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, but I am sure, as of late, that I should probably go and talk to someone about some things.
I'm pretty exhausted, and I have to be up in about 5 hours for another nutso long day, so I guess I'll get back to you...

Goodnight.

If

You know, more than anything I'd like to get into your head for just a little while and see if I can make some sort of order out of the mess that was.
I write this blog for myself, before you even came along, but I wonder if you sometimes come and have a peek... and further, I wonder what you think if you do.
You've always been the curious kind; you're a vault of secrets to boot.
I like to think that I was a good bit different than most of your interests or whatever you want to call them... maybe I'm just full of myself.
I do believe I was different, undoubtedly, but I think despite the way you've done away with me like something perishable that's been in the fridge for a year, you saw me a little different too. Who knows... I probably never will.
Exactly one year ago, I asked what you really meant all those times you said you loved me, scared as I was to make an ass out of myself. We were on the same page, and I was elated. It was cold that morning, and I had the day off of work. It was the first time I had had the entire week of the holiday off. I was sitting on the phone talking of God and life and everything in between, lying down on the couch under a big blanket because I just liked it that way.
I felt like a little kid, a giddy little boy with braces and zits and blah blah blah.
I was elated, you know?

Anyway... I wonder, ya know, if you come by and check up. Not that it matters I guess. It's not like I could go back even if I wanted to, even if you wanted to. Now is really not the time... if ever.

This year, I lost my future. I lost the most beautiful thing in the world, I did...
but there is always something to be thankful for, yes? I got to hold that most beautiful gift in my arms in the most beautiful city I have ever seen. I have learned this and that, and when I did have that gift, I had never sought God so fervently. That might be telling of my function I suppose... my shortcoming. I've fallen apart ever since, and it is only in the last month or two that I have been able to direct this emotion or this whatever in such a way that I have never put so much into my work as I have now. It keeps me occupied, and it relaxes me. I am not even a quarter of the man I once was, but hopefully I'll get there again. My integrity is not what it was, but the distaste of sitting and dwelling on all the things you left unsaid have driven me to just want to do something else that completely requires my focus and attention. For this I am somewhat grateful, I am.

I do miss you... the oooo baby!... the Holla back shawty!... the peace signs... the ridiculous faces... your dry skin that I could kiss and touch for hours upon hours... your silly little grin and the way your eyes would look up into the corner when you got a little embarrassed... your funny little fist that you would shake... all of your absolute cheesiness. My God, you're cheesy and it was the cutest thing I say.
Oh, and how so very very very much do I miss you reading me passages from your books or sharing the Scriptures that you had read and what God had really showed you.
I loved helping you by text to get big K to eat when she refused because she had this idea of not wanting to get fat. I loved when the little guy would shout Waaalll or Dat dat dat dat dat dat dat.. boom boom boom... even those great big raaaawwrrrs. I'm sure I have said this before, a million times over, but I fell in love with them as I fell in love with you. That's what you asked of me, and that's what I did. That may have been the most difficult part, losing them... these beautiful little gifts when I had already grown to love them so greatly in preparation for what was said to be coming. That was at least half of the pain, but that's a different issue I suppose.

Holes in the knees of your pants, walking through sopping wet grass in canvas shoes on a cold day... so silly, girl... Let me carry you over the puddles again.

We're almost through here.

Liar

I know that things are broken,
An' though there's too many words left unsaid.
You say you have spoken,
Like the coward I am, I hang my head.
You lie careless your head on my chest,
An' don't even look at me looking my best.
All these things I can't describe,
You would rather I didn't try.

But please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!
Oh please, don't cry, you liar!

You lean in for your last kiss,
Who in this world could ask me to resist?
Your hands cold as they find my neck,
Oh this love that I've found, I detest.

Wow.
You don't f'ng say.
I'm laughing a little here... Oh boy, that says something.
My hands are a little shaky. My shoulders feel like they're on fire.
I've got all sorts of questions right now.

Good Lord, I'm laughing.
Wow.

I'm speechless I guess.
I wonder wonder wonder...
I'm a little alleviated at the same time I suppose, but oh my goodness.
lol... Wow.

Every line seems to be broken up by a chuckle and a wow... maybe a deep breath.
I can't even articulate what's going through my head right now, but the dust is bound to settle.

Wow... lol

Bullsh** self revelation.
Repeat my freaking words like they're your own.
lol... wow.

This is a terribly vicious cycle.

I have to go back.

I wonder what you were thinking when you closed your eyes at times like these.
I wonder what you were thinking when you fell asleep in my arms at night and woke next to me in the morning.
I would have liked to lounge around the one night, late in Forsyth park, for a little longer there in the dark sitting on the bench.
That was a good night.

"You can't hurt me more than I've already been hurt, and you can't abuse me more than I abused myself every day, so I'm going to take something from you."

Wow.

Again, you come up at dinner with curiosity.
You still blow my mind, sweetheart. </3

You have changed the way I see this world.
You have changed how I interact with the ones I am closest too.
I am a mess, dear, but I am never unaware of the fact that I let you change me.

I am a little afraid for the first time, and I'm not sure exactly why or what it is that I am afraid of.

I do not understand.

Cheesiest girl ever... and I loved it more than you'll ever know.

People still ask about you.
Yesterday when I was asked, I had to count the months. I guess that's a good thing, the fact that I no longer know off the top of my head. The days have turned to weeks have turned to months. I didn't know how to respond to most of the questions with anything other than an "I don't know. I really have no idea." [what had happened... where it all went... How?]

Just a year ago I was falling crown over sole for you.
You were moving me in nice and easy; it was little effort for you, and it wasn't so hard for me to love you either. My heart was broken for you. I gave you full access to this cold hard chest of mine and this time '09 you started doing surgery, cutting deeply and providing me warmth from the inside. I was hopeful and I looked only forward, right into those eyes as they turned from kelly to cornflower.

You blew my mind, sweetheart.
You had me; you had me.

Twenty-four.
Oh boy...

I really do wonder if someone will ever take me away like you did. I really wonder if I'll ever want to be such a man again.
Really... but I guess it's a silly question seeing as I'm only going to be 24 next week. It's kind of hard to imagine being so focused again. It's hard to imagine being so absolutely honest again without fear.
I risked my dignity only to give love a chance.
I feel sick.

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body?
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly?
And can you kneel before this king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean?

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart?
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart?

A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage.
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink.
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections.

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart?
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart?

Aah, aah...
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole life.
Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole life.

I dreamt of you again.
It's been a while, other than that one a few days ago that I really couldn't remember much anything of. This one was relentless, slow, and dragging. It was not as climactic and dramatic as the others, but it slowly rose to its boiling point at the very end. It devastated me again. It pulled me and it had hope poke its head out of this dark hole and stare me in the eye for a second... just a second. It took me away again to a place where the air is cold and the skin is warm. It picked me up; it made my heart race. Then my heart stopped as it dropped me, thrust me toward the ground.

I feel like perhaps I've put your shoes on as I have begun walking this current mile. I wonder if this is how you felt. If it is, I guess I understand you a little more. This is like a not so fun game of musical chairs. No one has pulled any chairs just yet, but we sure are switching places.

I go from this dream to other worries tonight, and it has to be the worst segway ever. I had to stop talking, stop thinking to keep from tears. It's wild how something so stupid, trivial, inanimate like a damn shaved ice can keep me occupied for just long enough to regain some composure, some posture. I feel a litle pathetic for this one.

I've got a few empty things in my hands right now, and it's ironic how these vessels weigh the most when they are devoid of their respective substances.

I am tired, and I am weak.
I am overwhelmed at the moment, and this is foreign.

Let's stand up straight. Head on, here we go.
I love you.
Lord, give me grace.
Give me grace.

The trouble with love is that it comes to an end.
I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna find you again,
Just in a place where love can’t die.

Your Boldness Stands Alone

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart.
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start.
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left.
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your
own head.

But it was not your fault but mine,
and it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time,
didn't I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have seen this all before.
Tremble little lion man,
You'll never settle any of your score.
Your grace is wasted in your face,
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck.
Learn from your mother or else spend your days biting
your own neck.

But it was not your fault but mine,
and it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

For a second, I stood there and thought to myself while the mariachi sang his song.
These aren't your legs.
This isn't your skin.
Those are not your eyes.

Look at me.

Arrival

I'll never forget that day.

That was the longest and highest escalator I have ever seen, and it just seemed like it went on forever. For that day it was my little motorized stairway to heaven. I wasn't even sure if you were around yet. I got to the top and walked forward slowly with my peripheral vision, all the while looking down at my phone. I put it away, looked up, and walked more intently with my head up. I saw restroom signs and just beneath them, behind those stanchions, I saw many people. I didn't figure you to be there just yet, but then I felt someone looking and noticed this baby blue beautiful moving about through the crowd. Your face showed a disbelief, a latent excitement, and, as was there so often, that unsureness of self.
You were so nervoues; I only saw your eyes meet mine for just a very quick second before I hugged and kissed you. I picked you up and squeezed you so tight, just elated while my throat closed up a little and it became harder to breathe. I couldn't believe how small and dainty you were. I loved it. I loved you.
You misdirected me nervously to the wrong area for my luggage so we sat there for about five minutes as we watched the same 3 or 4 oversized bags revolve around on a silver belt. This sweet older lady directed us in the right direction after we stood there long enough. All the while you pushed your hands deep into the large pocket in front of your hoodie; you pulled out your phone and flipped it open and closed. You would not even look me in the eye, but you stood beside me as tall as you possibly could with your fingers tangled in mine. I still sometimes smile at the thought of your little crooked fingers in my hand when I am alone. You were so worried, so unsure, apparently in disbelief that I was actually there. You complained of your dry skin, and your flakey hair, but I paid it all no attention. I thought you looked beautiful, and it lit my face up. My heart beat more deliberately; my breathing was slower, steadier, and I too was close to disbelief. I squeezed your little hand as we waited for my bag, pulled you a little closer and kissed you on the cheek several times before it made its way around.

Tonight is not a good night.
I am sad, and I am so aware of how much I miss you. I wonder if I'll ever speak to you again. I wonder if I could compose myself if I ever had the chance.
I loved you so extravagantly and recklessly, and I do love you, sweetheart.
I do not know how to not love you, so I do. I break at the fact that I will never have the opportunity to live out a life that speaks to you each and every day in a way that brings your life value and a recognition that you don't have to do anything to erase your past in order to be loved truly and genuinely. I loved you after I knew what I was getting myself into with hope and faith that God would build you and change your heart as you would allow Him... I guess it never came, that allowance. I guess I'll never be so fulfilled in the way I hoped for with all of my terrible heart... I guess not.

Good night, french fry.

This time no; this time no.

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."

We'll be washed and buried one day my girl
And the time we were given will be left for the world
The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague
So let the memories be good for those who stay

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."

Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved
Was the same that sent me into your arms
Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone
And no hope, no hope will overcome

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no.
This time no."

I wonder what you wonder.
I wonder of your wonder.
I wonder what was.
I wonder what is.
I wonder what will become.
I wonder of this wonderful mess I have made.
I wonder what a terrible wonder.
I wonder; I wonder.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker

Roll Away Your Stone

Roll away your stone I will roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside

You told me that I wouldn't find a home
Beneath the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
Yet it dominates the things I see

It seems that all my bridges have been burned
But you say 'That's exactly how this grace thing works’
It's not the long walk home that will change this heart
But the welcome I receive with every start

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think
And yet it dominates the things I see

Stars hide your fires
For these here are my desires
And I won't give them up to you this time around
And so I will be found
With my stake stuck in the ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

And you, you've gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine

Dear

I wonder what has become of you.
I doubt anyone knows because it seems that no one, including yourself, has really known for quite some time.

You were my best friend.
Even Karina hadn't got that close.
I really did give you all I had, and I'm having a hard time finding it all on my own again.
I never trusted like I did you.
I hope I can do it again; I hope I am not entirely walled off and afraid.

You were my best friend.
... and now I do not even know you.
My heart still breaks when I see picture of your beautiful babies, but that's all.
Your pictures are like windows with views of nothing but flat and endless horizons.

My heart breaks for them more than for anything.
I wonder how much she will follow your pattern.
I pray God graces her with a personal encounter somehow or another before she gets there because you know better than any one of us what a terrible terrible path you've walked along.
That's the worst part of it all: You refuse to be honest about where you've been and what you've done. You rob yourself of a strong-built character because of dishonesty, shame, and pride. Those three bound together are not easily cut down, but surely it is possible. You put on this smile made of veneers and shine bright for everyone around you to see, but they don't see a damn thing, do they?

I hope my judgement has gone completely haywire in this, or simply that you've changed considerably in the past few months. I'm not so optimistic though...
but it's all for the sake of your beautiful little ones, and I couldn't possibly throw away all hope if they are considered.

God curse this cycle.
God bless you.
I love you, sweetheart.
I swear I do.

Tonight I miss having you...
if I ever really did have you.

Anything we gain by deceit isn't really ours at all, so I guess I had you, but perhaps you did not have me.
Silly it sounds because you had it all, I gave it all, only in your mind you knew what was left unsaid and only you really knew what wall you kept between us.

The Cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again...

I'm too tired for this, but I'm hope I'm right about it.

Not only do I miss you.
Not only do I miss your gorgeous little ones.
I miss the man I was, the man I had become.
He seems to be all but entirely absent today..

Uh oh...
This one's gonna be tough.

What a freaking disgusting dream.
The worst part about it, is it's something that's very possible.
Bleh... another one I'd like to forget.

From green to blue.
From blue to grey.
Brown.

Why doesn't brown ever turn so pretty?

I miss having you shake your little fist at me...

I do not understand...

I had this terrible dream about you. I see these silly actions as I sleep, and it scares me because the last time I had a dream like that, it turned out to be kind of prophetic in a literal and slightly metaphorical way. I'm scared, and I am heartbroken. I've been up for a few hours and the dream is still wearing on me. I'm already drained, and I've been near tears.

I'm sitting here at Chik-fil-a and I'm in Orange freaking county... I overhear some lady who says she's from Atlanta, and apparently the manager working here went to Kennesaw... and this damn Needtobreathe song comes on the f'ng radio.

I talked about you yesterday. Someone asked me if I missed you. I told her sometimes... Honestly, sometimes the thought of you coming back overwhelms me and makes me nervous. I really wouldn't know what to do. Whenever someone asks what happened, I have no answer because I don't even know...

Friday night I sat and talked of you for a good hour. I almost made my friend cry a few times, and I don't really know why. We talked about a lot... She says my face lit up so bright when we talked about little and big K. We talked about my insecurities of being a future father and how once I got over it and began to prepare myself for that position... once I stopped being afraid to love, the opportunity that had been presented me was ripped from my hands. We talked about how insecure that made me further. We talked about how much it hurt to think I was trusted and chosen to such a honorable place in some precious and beautiful children's lives and to have it disappear overnight... the dainty little hands that asked and hoped for me to be this man were the same ones to tear those lovely little dreams away, and that was the most devastating part of it all. I've been afraid lately. I have been cynical and cold... pushing myself away from even some of my best friends who have been there for me in my walk with Christ... my walk of life.
My friend asked me if I would ever take you back if you decided so, and I couldn't answer the question. I almost cried at the thought. Whether it was, hope, happiness, or disappointment I do not know. It was probably some very strong mix of them all.

I've kind of been a mess...
I've asked myself if integrity even matters...
God help me, save me, when I ask such questions...
You've upended me sweetheart.
I'm on my head.

Why are you still here?
I don't really want you to go, but I don't really want you to stay either.
I do not understand.

Tonight I saw you again with your head on your pillow.
Your blue eyes broke me, but I kept a straight face.
Your blanket covered your beautiful skin again.
You bundled yourself up so adorably and everything just came right back.
It was Novemeber.. December.. all over again.
The difference is that the weather isn't as cold, but my heart is much colder.

Lie Down and Stare Up

I remember lying there with you...Beside you, moving your hair aside to kiss your shoulder and neck... whispering closely to your ear, "I love you. I'm so happy that you are all mine..." I breathed in deep with my chest to your back, arm around your waist to keep you ever so close, chin on your shoulder... I exhaled slowly, deeply, and my warm breath danced over your pale skin.
Beneath you, you weighed nothing. You leaned over and kissed me; I kissed you. Hands on your hips, holding you there... You looked down and every time you kissed me, your lips turned upward to smile wide. I moved my hands up your torso. I touched your lovely face. I slipped one hand over your cheek, caressing your skin slowly and moving my hand behind your neck, pulled you forward and kissed you... then the second hand snuck its way behind your ear, your neck. I held you with both hands while I pressed my lips to yours... I stroked your cheek with my thumb. I kissed you again... and again.
Atop you, your legs were strong, and so you kept me close. I rested on my hands, on my elbows and on you. I was afraid I'd break you, smash you, but you loved it. You wrapped yourself around me. Your arms around my neck and your legs around my waist. We laid there quietly with the biggest grins. When we did separate just a bit, you help my face, and I kissed your soft lips lightly... deeply. I will never ever forget the very dim light that trickled through the half shut curtains or the light of the television in the darkness. I remember looking down at you several times here and there in this low ambiance, and the look that looked at me... oh my. I will never forget. At the time, I saw love love love in this stare, in this glare. I've never looked so deep and so far. That look was inside of me. Your eyes saw me inside and out. I was bare before you... but now it's all just barren. I now wonder what went through your head at these visceral times... these formerly wonderful times.
I loved you my dear, and I did my best to have my eyes speak the way yours did. They tore through me like I have never been... that stare.. that look. Those beautiful beautiful eyes turning blue.

I will never forget such a look, such a glimmer.
Of hope.
Hope hoped for.
Love left alone.
You shone so bright my dear.
You shone bright.

Atop.
I'll never forget looking down, looking into, such a vast vast place...

I'm in this zone for once.
I'm focused and I am busy.
Then your name lights up and I'm completely derailed.

Seattle, Utah, Texas, and two So. Cal spots working as an event photographer for Verizon.
This will be a great August, God willing.
I've got a huge couples shoot planned out as well, and I'm starting school back up in the middle of it all. It's going to be chaos... busy, but good.
... and my jeep is running again. ;]

Part of me would rather be in Atlanta, still, sadly.
Fishing in the morning with Bobbye Rae.
So fitting that I've got someone to hang out with while I'm in Seattle when I've got free time...

Oh, Nevada. ;]

Reacquaint

I've seen you every single day since.
I go to Target and see some Cracker Barrel cheese and I think of you.
A friend of mine mentions at dinner that his company's main offices are in Savannah, Georgia.
I see your polaroids lying around in random drawers of my desk.
I take a screen shot on skype and there next to the latest is you nodding off because you are tired.
I clean out my email and there is an itinerary confirmation for a plane to Atlanta.
The negatives from our time together are strewn about here and there.
My friends invited me to see Sublime tonight...
and this is only in the past week.


Some days I look at your picture and I see a blank screen.
I see no one there; I stare past.
Other days, I can't see your picture without breaking.
It's a knee jerk reaction and the tears come fast.
I don't know what this means exactly.
You are obviously still here somewhere, but it seems I've misplaced you for the sake of sanity.
Regardless, I don't think any of it has helped.
I am plainly broken.
I know where to go, but I can't seem to lift my legs and carry myself there.
I can't see it happening any time soon either.
It's very strange and very new.
Resiliency... hope... where are you?
It seems as though all three of you have left me the same.
Let me have just one.

I have met you again recently.
It breaks my heart.
Januaries and Octobers...
Fair skin.
Broken hearts.
Blue eyes.
One year later.

Oh my.
Oh my...
These late summer nights and the conversations running around them.
Goodnight; goodnight.
Sweet.
Precious.
Lovely.
Oh lovely...

Today is not easy.
Today is difficult.
Lord, Lord... comfort me.
Please?

I Miss You...

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you...

I wonder if this will sit here beneath the surface for years to come and ruin me.
Leave me in ruin.
I have my face in another direction, but I have a feeling you're still here.
I know you are.
This is no good...

March '10

I think about you standing out here in the cold...
Tungsten and fluorescent above me, around me.
The sky is dark, the pavement black, and my jacket matches their color or lack thereof.
I'm a little chilly, sure, but I've got you on my mind and that keeps me warm...
that and my jasmine tea with honey and cream.
Really though, the little sips warm my thoat and mouth, but I'd much rather your lips...
your rosy flesh is the finest heat.
It's such a small source, but it is beyond concentrated.
It warms my hands, my lips, the flesh of my chest that you press against, yes.
The warm runs further;
it does not crawl or creep in, but it jumps in, pushes its way in forcefully...
past the epidermis,
past the sternum.
The cold pump deep inside my chest burns up by your touch,
and you touch not only by flesh but tonight you warm by thought.
Warmth hits my chest,
it fills my chest,
and it trickles down my arms and into my fingers.
A corner of my mouth turns upward as the warmth rises to my neck like it's the rim of a cup.
My cup runneth over tonight, today.
My love spills this way and that and I pray pray pray that you get a good splash.
I pray that you receive the warmth and love that I try to project and live out,
even though I am flawed so so so.
I love you, Ashley.
You mean the world to me, and though I find fear knocking at my door now and again,
I never answer.
You're precious and rare.
Beautiful beautiful girl.
I love you more and more as we go along.
... and I hope we go much further.
I love you, Ashley Renee.
I love you.

1/14/10

I want to hold you hold you hold you... warming you with my arms pulling you against me, not letting go and trying to think that you really are mine for the moment... hoping like I have never hoped before that this will be over sooner than even YOU think... knowing very well that I'm putting my hopes so high that a fall from here might very well kill them, destroy them, abolish them... but I find you worth it as of now, from this view of things, so I'll stick to... I want to kiss you all the while, softly, lovingly, and when my flesh touches yours it will be devoid of vacant and depreciating lust... Rather, I will have love to guide my hands and my lips in lines, strokes, circles and in embrace... I will chase after the ethereal love that God has for you and I, in my own actions toward you... He will set my paradigm and I will do my best to follow... I still worry very much that my heart will grow colder than it ever has, but I love you, Ashley Renee. My heart breaks daily when others use and dispense of you in a disgusting way behind the guise of flattering words and friendly conversation... I'm holding my position as best I can. I believe at this point, I love you more than you love yourself because I am at a breaking point... I've reached critical mass, but you have not. You continue with the false notion that this is all you CAN do when it is not. I told you I would push and fight, even with you, for what is best for you, and this is it. I am not playing passive anymore because I see you for your true value in the eyes of the most wonderful God, Jesus Christ, who died for your life... your babies' lives. I pray you will be afforded a view from over here because once you do see things this way, once you realize that you are working to lose, being robbed blind each and every time you step into that little white box, losing more in 15 minutes than you'll ever be able to earn... and then... then I promise you your choice will be easy and this current option will no longer be considered... You are precious and priceless. You are wonderful, and you are loved greatly... tremendously. I love you, and I hope you understand how much and why very very soon... < 3

Uh oh!!

I am not okay at this point.
I am bummed out. (euphemism)
I do stuff I enjoy; I do things to keep myself occupied.
I am doing my best to take all of this emotion and confusion and whatever else is left behind, and I am trying to burn it up in new efforts and endeavors.
... but I just get bummed out because you aren't there anymore to share it all with.

I've been told I'll be okay.
I'll be okay.
I guess.

I am still at an utter loss.

“Photography to the amateur is recreation, to the professional it is work, and hard work too, no matter how pleasurable it my be.”
-Edward Weston

I'm Restless...

Just before you called
I thought we were doing fine
But I was wrong
Your voice came down the line
Forced me to the thought of life
If you were gone

We’re just tired of talking to the busy sounds
The hardest heart still breaks when it goes without
We’re all the ghosts of who we used to be
We might know, if we could see

Don’t look now ‘cause I can’t escape
I get so restless
We won’t know until it’s too late
But I’ll have years to think of
The way I’d do the things I did
Just to chase the pain away
We’re here now and I can change
But I’m still restless

Push, the urge away
To wake up feeling just the same as yesterday
Time, it heals the pain
But painful is the angry heart when time remains

We’re just tired of walking through the faceless crowd
We keep our lonely eyes locked on the ground
And if my legs could run me into you
Then we might know, we might know

I'd have done anything to get you that wraparound porch.
Screw Orange County...
Screw this place.
I would have loved to grow old somewhere where there were no street lights and the Spanish moss hung low over our heads...
I gave you all of it, everything...
and I have nothing left.

I sit here listening to many raising their voices, raising their hands...
God is here in this room, and I can't thank Him enough for simply showing up and gracing us all with His presence...
and still I see you here.
Why?

I remember waking up in the morning and seeing your beautiful face half hidden by your blanket... sometimes your mouth closed and sometimes your mouth half open... all over my huge screen. Your eyes always looked peaceful that way, when you slept. It was a sight to see...

Oops! I burnt one!!

New Growth

I'm starting to put faces on the future and things are getting easier.

Remember when I stalked that fat guy around walmart, trying to get a picture of him for peopleofwalmart.com? haha

Your value can never truly be depreciated.
You are precious.
You are priceless, but God's paid for you life anyway.
He's got you covered.

The pain you bear overwhelms ME.
How on earth might I bear it for many others?
I'm drained and consumed by thoughts of YOUR past...
not in such a way that you are an invaluable someone who has done many wrongs, but all the times rather that you have been robbed and used. I think about the scars you bear and the mindset that has been warped.
I think of these things and the viscious, noxious lies that were fed to you all the while... the lies you're fed today.
It crushes me.

You're still ever precious.
You're still priceless.

Something Beautiful...

In your ocean I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
I can't figure out
No, I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your wave crashes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown
Will you let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side
No I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

How about..

something bright and cute.
It's all just dark and melancholy here lately.

Cynic

I'm glad to have gotten this book out of the way finally. I wish I could have contributed more effort along the way, but I'm grateful and honored that I was able to help in the editing process and the final work. Hopefully people like it; I hope people buy it up next week come conference time... I still need to sit down and read it as a whole. I didn't really have that opportunity while I was sifting through for errors and conjuring up ways to say this or that in a different way. Projects like this should be able to keep my writing sharp...

Let's hope so anyway.

It was nice working with Pastor C on the project... It afforded us a nice little talk at the end of it all, and what looks like more open discourse in the future. He noted that the beginning of the year was great; he saw good things coming from me throughout from the time Pastor Art paid a visit to Ignite early on. He said that after our first night of RELATE, after I wrote that piece about you.. about her.. the one I posted here with the video a little while ago.. he saw a change in me. From that night on, the lights went out. Things got real dark, and apparently I became cynical and changed in a bad way...
I laughed when he told me of his observation. I knew better than he even did. Things really did go dark around that time, pitch black...

I'm sitting here, talking to Matt and about those who complement us... that significant woman who might eventually take up the other side of the bed.
It's funny... you by far, she by far, brought the best out in me. My spirituality skyrocketed, my maturity went up up up, my fear of responsibility went away, and I've never loved so absolutely extravagantly.
I was asked what I've learned so far from this experience and the list went on. Most notably, I was able to see how God works and how He feels each and every day.. from day to day and second to second. He loves us to absolutely no end, without flaw because He Is perfect. Time after time though, we spit on Him... we spit at Him... we put Him beneath our feet or toss Him aside. I didn't even love so perfectly, though I will say I loved like never before, and I feel honest in saying I loved her, I love you, like no one else has yet to do. I gave it all. Everything on my side was on the table, every little bit... Forgiveness ran like it was on tap. I just loved, uplifted, spoke of true genuine value for your sake and for your children's sake most importantly. It made its way into your darkened chest piece and warmed you, brought fresh revelation and insight from God. I saw you shine so magnificently. I loved you in those dark times that you allowed yourself to be given away and used like a rag. I pushed you forward and upward towards God as best I could, so that you might put your trust in Him again and take hold of the value and identity that you had in God. I bore a weight like I never have before... for months. I never gave up, and I never sought to. I would have carried on for months more, but it appeared that God had gotten to you and His love had changed you... your mind and heart.

... and just like that, you were gone to other things. Fitting in and doing what everyone else was doing as if they couldn't love you like I did. They probably wouldn't. They don't know half of you, do they? None of them. I still loved you; I still forgave you willingly even beforehand. How many times did I tell you to just put it all out for us to see and I'd give you nothing but love and forgiveness in exchange for truth and love likewise? How many times did you tell me that the plate was empty?

I say all that to speak of the view I was allowed... realizing that God gives us this and more day after day, and so many of us, including myself, do the same thing in turn... turning away and even making an effort to shout back and push away as far as we possibly can, as if God were the pest or the reason for our calamity. It's wild it is... our inability as human beings to accept forgiveness and love as it TRULY IS.
Taking the real thing over some strangers' approval is sometimes so difficult at times, but I've come to see that it's at these times that we have forgotten who we really ARE. God has given us an identity and that's it... accept it despite circumstance and wrongdoing. God forgives.. I forgive. God loves; I love.

I love you because, like I've said a hundred times, He loved me in the same way.
I love you because He loves you in this way. Neither one of us is deserving, but whatever. It's there, so take it and accept it. Stop sabotaging yourself so you can justify walking away. I know it's uncomfortable and I know there's that little voice in your head telling you that you're ok and that your "friends" are all you really need, but how many will you go through? It's like they pass through a revolving door... and we both know that. When will you allow someone to show you love love love without pushing them so very far away. When will you push past the unfamiliarity and discomfort and just accept it?

I never thought I'd need someone to give me one of those "pep talks"...
and here I am. I need them frequently it seems. The gist of them is that at some point, I'll move forward and leave it all behind. Unfortunately, a good bit of me doesn't quite want to. I just sit here and rifle through your picture for the first time in weeks as I sit and listen to encouraging words... tears welling up... until I'm asked for a response. I close the window, straighten up, make sure my throat is clear and move forward for the night...

Goodnight.

Pinky Promise?

Outside

Shortfalls and little sins
Close calls where no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I'm wearing thin
Oh, why are we keeping score?

Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders

I'm not leaving without a fight
I've got my holsters around my sides
Just cause I'm wrong that don't make you right
It's not right
Oh, what are we fighting for?

Cause if you're not laughing
Who is laughing now?
I've been wondering if this starts sinking
Would we stand our ground?
After everything we've learned
We've finally come to terms
We are the outsiders.

Puppy Taco... remember that?

Three and a half hour lunch... at Olive Garden on top of it, and I'm no big fan of the place.
It was so good to see Sarah.. sight for sore eyes. I miss her to death and it's only been a week. I can't wait 'til she's back. We're gonna have to do something else soon.. ;]

Gifts; Curses; Burdens

God's given me this gift, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to go through an absolutely, extravagantly life-altering... earth-shaking... something to tap into this and push it to its full potential.

Oh boy...

April 3, 2010

God, I hope this helps.
Here's my prayer, God...
I feel like I'm kind of being dangled on this hook right, just being brushed off and not taken seriously over and over.
All of this after everything... it hurts. I've shown anger and frustration, but simply it just hurts. I have loved her in dark dark times... dismal times. I spoke truth to her about her value and about what she means to You, God. I loved her, and I do love her... I've shown her a great capacity to love genuinely. I have shouldered an extraordinary burden for months... watching her suffer day after day and night after night, waiting anxiously to relieve herself, so I could tell her how much she was loved by both You and I. I would sit and talk to her for hours to lift her up and let her know that she was not meant to live life in such a way... God, I told her of all the wonderful things You have for her day after day after day... never putting her down and only doing my very best to lift her up to You in speech and in prayer. She insisted that I was amazing and I humbly refused her compliments over and over, noting that the only thing amazing was You. I told her that I was not perfect and I told her that I had some work to do myself. Did she just ignore that?
I am sitting here with another heavy something on my shoulders tonight... something that has been growing for the past week or so. It's looking like she wants out.
Has she forgotten all of those weeks and months that I loved her in her loneliest and darkest times? Does she not think that I am capable of change? She says I am not the man she fell in love with, but I am. I am the same imperfect man that I was months ago. I am that same man that would tell her of her worth until she fell asleep every wretched night of an awful job. I showed her love and I endured the pain... accepted the baggage that came along with it... knowing all along what I was getting myself into. I saw past the brokenness and I loved her, I do love her, with all of my formerly cold and callous heart. She turned me warm... got the blood pumping again because God knows I couldn't do so with a stone inside my chest.
Those were some of the heaviest days I have lived, but to see her smiling face and to watch her come to realize that she IS loved... tremendously... it was all so so worth it. I'd do it again if I had to.
She is beyond precious to me and on January 16th, I had the world for the first time...
I've been good and good, but then I went down for a bit. I lost focus and I lost some confidence. I pushed a little too hard and I started pointing the finger in an immature way... analyzing and blah blah blah... like I had no issues. Look at this huge plank in my eye, yeah, it's You Who showed me in the first place and here I am again.
I've been acting like a jackass... insecure little boy and I am beyond embarassed.
You've given me this revelation, and it's finally clicked... I have to just be a man and stick to my choices... back my decisions and be sure of them.
I get it, and that's what I'm going to do... I get it. I've learned.
So does she not think I can change? Am I so wretched and filthy a man in her eyes that she thinks God is not capable of changing me? Has she forgotten all the love love love I shared with her in those ridiculously dark and ugly times? Is it something else that she will not say? What is it? Does she just need time to think and consider if we'll be together in the end? What's the deal? This anxiety presses down on me and it is beyond taxing. It is so difficult to sleep these nights and she seems to sleep soundly. She seems to socialize with nothing pressing on her conscience... How would I know though. I can't keep her on the phone for more than 10 to 15 minutes before she says something like she has to go... or she'll call me right back... which she never actually does.
I do not want to think of losing her. When I held her, I held her like I would see her again. I did not hold her like it was the last time I ever would. I held her with the promise and the belief that we would spend many more hours together... many more days and weeks and moths and years... I love her, and I've never been so blessed so as to hold something so absolutely precious. To see these beautiful little lady go from a bleak and awful reality to stepping back into the promises of God... stepping back into the plan that He's got for her. I thought I might be a part of that plan, but it's not looking so good.
I mean... I'm not one to fold to circumstance and I have yet to do so because I know Who You Are, God. This might be the most costly lesson I will ever learn... to lose something so precious for something so trivial... but like I said, maybe it's something more... I don't know... ;'[
I'm just left here dangling on a hook... like some half dead fish being toyed with.
Oh Lord, I've fasted and I have prayed... I don't know what else to do, but this is tiring...
I do not want to imagine this being the end... but what can I do? I cannot make her stay whether I think it is "fair" or not. If she has forgotten the love I have showed her, like no love I have ever been able to produce... if she refuses to believe that I am imperfect just like her... if she simply refuses to show me forgiveness in turn... if it is something unnamed that is her reason for escape... whatever it is... Lord, bring comfort and bring understanding... peace peace peace and strength. I need it like you wouldn't believe tonight, well, I'm sure you'd believe it... You know it.
God have your way... you know I am here and you know what I desire...
My heart may break, but you can always restore it...
I'd really rather it not break this time though... break it with something else, but not this.

Put it out there; get rid of it.

I remember a remark you made once concerning my writing and my expression.
You said something about my writing always being so sad and somber.

I'm sorry for that. Over the years, I've realized that my expression in writing, especially in places like this, these silly online blogs or journals or diaries... whatever you want to call them... that they have become dumping grounds mostly.
When I was young I wrote much of my spiritual exploits and my lessons learned. It's sort of neat to look back at those entries and see where I was and what I was thinking at the time, little bits and pieces of my life earlier to give some sort of insight or marking point in my growth as an individual.
Today, these little blogs don't serve the same purpose, as you can tell. My writing has become dark and cynical, surely. It's all due to life lived and introspection galore.
I kind of likened it to this: I'm patient, and I do believe in facing things head on... difficult things that would otherwise drive me up the wall and back down. This writing has been my method my disconnection or my letting go rather of certain things. I have put things that I wanted to get past here: terrible things that have happened to me, things that weigh so absolutely heavy on my heart, thoughts and doubts in my mind that I know will do a bad thing should they be left to bounce around and dwell inside of my skull... things that make me sad mostly, burdens I cannot bear alone.
We had our time, we did, that was just so pleasant regardless of any conflict or secrets revealed. I never wrote about that until now, you know... all these wonderful little things we had.
Back to my point about what I've likened this to...
These things that weigh heavy on me for whatever reason they do, I've always wanted to be done with them... be away with them, and this is the place where I kind of left them. It's been this vast, endless field where I can just chuck my junk as far as I can throw it... and I did, I do... I will probably keep doing it.
The beautiful, the lovely things... things like you and the love that was there, those things I never wanted to put down because I wanted to hold onto them myself. I never trusted a stupid little blog that could be wiped clean in a moment to hold my most wonderful and precious memories. I could never expect it to contain the happiness that my heart could, so I never wrote about it. I never expressed enough, I suppose, how absolutely happy I was. I was elated... it was all ethereal.
It left me in awe in the most beautiful of ways... I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want it to escape me, and it never did as you'll see now in my detailed writings...
The valve has been opened, and it's all just pouring out now because I don't think I can contain these once beautiful things anymore... not if you're not around anyway.

I'm sorry I was not more vocal about how happy I was.
I really was happier than I may have ever been... other than maybe once or twice, and both of those other occurrences involved God Himself, so I'd say that's not bad company to have there...

I had the world, and I didn't talk about it too much because I wanted to hold onto it myself. I was afraid of being robbed of such memories and experiences... that you all intertwined in them. These most precious precious things were my very very valuable treasure...

I can't even stay awake anymore.. I'm passing out.
I wish I were in Savannah again...